I cannot say with absolute certainty that I NEVER had doubts I am TG. By my definition if you think you are TG, you are. NOW, where along the spectrum are you? Simply because you are TG does not mean the path enlightenment lies in a full social transition. Gender is one aspect of all our lives. Not the only aspect of it.
Trans-Gender is a broad spectrum residing between the loosely defined extremes of Cis-Female to Cis-Male. Between those two are a universe of stars representing all the aspects of gender and gender expression. Circling those stars are countless planets representing the random developments that occurred to help manage the gender dysphoria that star has.
Where is your Star-System?
"If I transition, I'll be happy?" Well, I got a bridge in Brooklyn for sale, cheap. Happy is relative. What about lose of friends, family, ostracized by your community, unable to secure a good career, perhaps never having an SO to spend the rest of your life with? Odds are pretty good you aren't a winner of the DNA lottery and are blessed with those 100% stealth genes. The very real and very sad statistics for transitioned women are all too sad. Yet they made the choice to in large part since there was no other viable option for living.
In other words, "Which Pain is Worse?". Bear in mind TODAY's answer in never THE answer for the rest of your life. Life is all about change, learning, growing. In other words, transitioning.
In my early 20's I twice "Experimented" with transitioning, both times stopping and opting to be Normal(ish). The pain I was experiencing every time I stepped out into the real world was too much. No way could have anything remotely resembling a "Normal" life as a woman, having the sort of life I envisioned, if I continued. I was able to live that sort of life if I opt for male.
I tried many things to help "Manage" my GD over the years. The ocassional cross-dressing was one. I never purged, I knew better. No way could I ever deny my female side that one great joy.
"Why can't you keep the feelings and Stay Male?" No reason why not. I've been doing that for a good 5 years now.
Now... the previous 50 some years a bit of a different story. "Keep" and "Bury" are not synonymous. The results of each method vary from very good to very bad. YMMV
"It's just Cosmetic" Well, see above's Star-Map. It can be. It can just be a fetish. It can be some deep innate need. After fives of hard work and personal growth I still no clear answer for myself beyond I know where my true joy lies. The reality of trying to have it all may come at the lose of other very important aspects of my life. (See above's Which Pain is Worse?)
"Why can't I be happy as who I am?" Great question! I've been spending the better part of the last 5-6 years sorting out the "Who I am" part, vs the who I thought I was expected to be part that I lived. My number one goal 6 years ago when I made my first for-real step along this journey was to make one whole, healthy, and happy person out of these seemingly two disparate souls residing in this God awful body. A lot has changed as that goal is about to get checked off as Done after a lot of hard work
"Financing your transition" Goodwill has clothing at great prices. Makeup is plentiful and reasonably priced. Since it seems you already cross-dress, you are good to go. You, like many before you, can be living as a woman in just 2 hours after reading this. Oh, re-read "If I transition, I'll be happy" There is life after putting on a skirt, and "Which pain is worse?".
"Any Advice" - Find Thee some one on one support! Be it the LGBT center at uni, or in town. If you're near a major city there may be a gender clinic. Look for TG support groups (NOT hookup groups). My best therapy came from and still does come from my TG support group. I was totally floored, my first support anything ever, being in a room filled with all sorts of people with feelings almost identical to my own. It's far different being there, then "Knowing" or struggling on your own from a purely intellectual level.
Shame and Guilt are powerful emotions. Being TG you are likely have some to a lot. Those two emotions tend to rule to roost. It takes hard work to figure out WHO you are thanks to them. It takes hard work to accept who/what you are. It takes a lot of hard work to shed a lifetime's accumulation of shame and guilt
"Full Disclosure" time.... I get paid very well to "What-if" things to death. A personal trait that carried over nicely into a fun career as an engineer. I design things that if something goes wrong people can get hurt, to even dead. Testing these things can make you dead in an instant. So I tend to think a LOT about what can go wrong and have a Plan B and a Plan C.
Continue to play with the problem in your head. But talk to others, especially in a TG support group or a Gender Therapist. In the end, only you can decide what MAY work Today. But you cannot make a reasoned choice without knowledge. Insider info from people who have been there before is great. But remember your life, your circumstances, your needs, are different.
