A new girl recently started at work. As part of my job I've spent a fair bit of time with her so she's seen me up close. Today, faced with being unable to shave for the next few days due to electrolysis, I pre-empted any awkwardness and came out to her. I said 'I am transgender' quickly and matter of factly, and carried on with explaining about electrolysis. She said she couldn't believe that I was trans, that she had no idea. She's the second person to say that to me.

To me, there's a whole bunch of stuff that reveals me as trans. I felt like I'd got to the point where I passed 'in passing', but I assumed that anyone who spent time with me would figure me out. But it doesn't seem to be happening that way. People don't seem to pick up on it anymore.

So some questions:
1. Would she just have said that to make me feel better?
2. Is this just people in general being nice, and polite?
3. How do you know when you've reached a point where stealth is an option?

A lot of people have no idea what a transperson actually looks like.  It's kinda vague unless they catch you in the awkward pubescent stage of transition.  If you don't look like what the media presents as Trans, then a lot of people won't clock you unless you look out of place or uncomfortable.

I think the moment you are truly stealth is when you stop caring.  Or maybe that's being well-adjusted.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Squircle on March 02, 2015, 03:06:38 PM
A new girl recently started at work. As part of my job I've spent a fair bit of time with her so she's seen me up close. Today, faced with being unable to shave for the next few days due to electrolysis, I pre-empted any awkwardness and came out to her. I said 'I am transgender' quickly and matter of factly, and carried on with explaining about electrolysis. She said she couldn't believe that I was trans, that she had no idea. She's the second person to say that to me.

To me, there's a whole bunch of stuff that reveals me as trans. I felt like I'd got to the point where I passed 'in passing', but I assumed that anyone who spent time with me would figure me out. But it doesn't seem to be happening that way. People don't seem to pick up on it anymore.

So some questions:
1. Would she just have said that to make me feel better?
2. Is this just people in general being nice, and polite?
3. How do you know when you've reached a point where stealth is an option?

1. No
2. No
3. You are at that point

I think we have to give more credit to people we talk to, that they are more aware and understanding of our individuality. There is no doubt in my mind she was more surprised that you were free and open and comfortable enough to discuss it with her. I think this bodes well going forward because in her mind, she sees you as a woman.

Congrats!

How do you know when you've reached a point where stealth is an option?
It's a Catch 22 but you've reached a point where stealth is an option when you are gendered correctly 100% of the time by people who do not know you are transgendered. Getting there is tricky; being outed one time and it's all over. Like the new girl you work with, we can never be sure if someone is being respectful or truly sees us as our target gender. It's even more complicated when it is possible they may know a person is transgender.

Living in stealth was never a choice for me; it was my only option. My female alter and I live separate "normal" cisgender lives. She created a new life for herself when she became self aware six years ago. None of the 5 alters in my System identifies as transgender. It is vital that she and I are perceived by the people in our respective worlds as the woman/man each of us is. Any crossover in our worlds would destroy the doublethink we use to maintain the delusion of being separate people. A handful of people in my female alter's life know she has Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD). They understand her to be the System host, do not know she has a male body or that opposite gender alters take turns fronting for the System. My wife, stepson, Mother and the medical professionals who treat me know the complete truth. But it would be catastrophic to the Self for the boundaries that contain the feelings and memories held by each personality to break down. 

Is my female alter stealth or are the people she knows being polite? I think you have to look at it statistically over the course of day to day life for the answer. In the last 6 years I have put my female alter in every situation I could think of to fail; asking other women in the dressing room how she looks while trying on clothes, conversations with naked women who just got out of the shower in the locker room, chitchatting with women standing in the bathroom line at the beach in her bikini, close friendships with men and other women, accidentally walking into a bar full of drunk navy guys in a wet tee shirt and ruined makeup to get out of the rain, monthly trips for pedis and body massages, having her pants fitted by a seamstress, spreadeagle with one of her girlfriends' hands by her crotch assisting her with a pose in yoga. My female alter has come through every one of these without question or raising an eyebrow. In six years of fronting for my System, 5000+ hours out and about living her life, her femininity has only been ever questioned twice; both preHRT in the first 6 months she began fronting for the System. It is not statistically possible to have encountered so many people in so many different situations over such a long period of time who treated her as a woman to be polite.

I don't know... Its is rather subjective and as Muffinheart said comfortability influences a lot... I mean I've 'dated' a couple of guys who didnt find out up until well... Yup lol.... I also was in an ambulance recently and it was rather awkward explaining to the couple of guys what meds i was taking and why as they didnt quite seem to realise I was trans... Matter of fact looking at the papers later they filled when I was unconcious clearly stated me as young female.

However women do still at times give me odd looks.... Not always however... And when I got my belly pierced she didnt quite get why I was doing laser on my tummy... So I guess in a way I may have passed stealth maybe....


Anyway yeah as I was trying to say.... Its subjetive.... Men tend to never clock me and most women do but not all..... I never ever ever pass when nervous about something... Or at least thats when I get most bad looks... I noticed its due to facial expressions......


I'm rambling.... Yeah in my experience stealth is subjective and a lot easier when viewed by men.....

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I fully agree with Muffinheart.

You're definitely at a point where you could consider being stealth if you wanted!

Quote from: Squircle on March 02, 2015, 03:06:38 PM
To me, there's a whole bunch of stuff that reveals me as trans. I felt like I'd got to the point where I passed 'in passing', but I assumed that anyone who spent time with me would figure me out. But it doesn't seem to be happening that way. People don't seem to pick up on it anymore.

If you're feeling confident in yourself then most people won't even notice any features that reveal you as trans .  It's common to spend a lot of time comparing yourself to your cis-female friends, so it's not surprising that you know exactly what to look for when identifying a trans person.  It took me a while to realize that cis-people don't make the same comparisons, so they don't notice any of the features that make us look trans.

Look it has been years since I went through transition. I am not sure I can ever figure out what stealth is. On the other hand I NEVER EVER EVER EVER discuss or divulge my past to anyone. I Rarely get any feedback from anyone that suggests anything from my past. I on the other hand have no idea if people just keep their mouths shut.

On top of that you start to second guess yourself at times. Its a crazy ride and anyone that uses the word stealth I don't get.

Katie

Quote from: Squircle on March 02, 2015, 03:06:38 PM
A new girl recently started at work. As part of my job I've spent a fair bit of time with her so she's seen me up close. Today, faced with being unable to shave for the next few days due to electrolysis, I pre-empted any awkwardness and came out to her. I said 'I am transgender' quickly and matter of factly, and carried on with explaining about electrolysis. She said she couldn't believe that I was trans, that she had no idea. She's the second person to say that to me.

Interesting you had FFS (and you are gorgeous) before finishing electrolysis. I am almost in the same boat, ready to get my surgery done but still have maybe a good 10%-5% left for face hair removal. I think you're beyond stealth and passible, and looked at as female without people having the need to question it. There's plenty of cis women with noticible facial hair, lemme tell ya.

Quote from: Christine Eryn on March 03, 2015, 03:14:55 PM
Interesting you had FFS (and you are gorgeous) before finishing electrolysis. I am almost in the same boat, ready to get my surgery done but still have maybe a good 10%-5% left for face hair removal. I think you're beyond stealth and passible, and looked at as female without people having the need to question it. There's plenty of cis women with noticible facial hair, lemme tell ya.

I'm jealous.... Been doing IPL as I can't afford electro and I'm never going to be able to afford FFS...

Is it that neccrsary to pass 'stealth'?

I keep hearing and seeing of people who've gotten it done here,  but I'm unsure I've found anyone in my situation... What do you think?


Not my most flattering pic... Just took it now...



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Quote from: bluebirdx88 on March 04, 2015, 07:45:44 AM
I'm jealous.... Been doing IPL as I can't afford electro and I'm never going to be able to afford FFS...

Is it that neccrsary to pass 'stealth'?

I keep hearing and seeing of people who've gotten it done here,  but I'm unsure I've found anyone in my situation... What do you think?


Not my most flattering pic... Just took it now...



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A) You look great!  I wouldn't worry about FFS were I in your shoes.
B) There is no medical procedure, prescription or surgery necessary to pass
C) I personally hate cap-sleeves on me, because they make my shoulders look HUGE.  But they look great on you from your picture. =P

While there is a large focus on passing and not passing in this community, don't worry or feel like you have to do something to fit in.  Everyone is different, and sometimes people can't afford the more pricey options available to us transpeople.

That being said, FFS has a number of very helpful benefits to passing.  The biggest one for me, was that people who knew me before could divorce their views of me as a guy from my new appearance.  Plus, I'm still not very good at makeup.  FFS just makes it easier for people to look at you and not perceive masculine qualities.  I honestly believe that FFS can be as effective for alleviating GID in transpeople as SRS.  But in the end, there's a point in all of our transition where what really matters is how we feel about ourselves while we are lying in bed in the dark.  The goal is to feel good about ourselves, and find confidence in who we are.  What tools we use to get there vary.

Quote from: Christine Eryn on March 03, 2015, 03:14:55 PM
Interesting you had FFS (and you are gorgeous) before finishing electrolysis. I am almost in the same boat, ready to get my surgery done but still have maybe a good 10%-5% left for face hair removal. I think you're beyond stealth and passible, and looked at as female without people having the need to question it. There's plenty of cis women with noticible facial hair, lemme tell ya.

Take care of your surgery whenever you can.  It requires you to be in good physical health and takes a huge toll on your body.  You do have to stop electrolysis 2 months before and after your surgery date, and estrogen 2 weeks before and after, and Spironolactone at least 2 days before and you can resume taking it after.  I'll be going to get my first electrolysis session done in a week, since I still have renegade facial hairs that annoy me, and my FFS was Dec. 10th last year.  Hair removal is a long a slow process...

Not sure about everyone else, but I spaced out the surgeries I have had at least a year apart, because I wanted the time to recover.

Quote from: Obfuskatie on March 04, 2015, 11:28:58 AM
A) You look great!  I wouldn't worry about FFS were I in your shoes.
B) There is no medical procedure, prescription or surgery necessary to pass
C) I personally hate cap-sleeves on me, because they make my shoulders look HUGE.  But they look great on you from your picture. =P

While there is a large focus on passing and not passing in this community, don't worry or feel like you have to do something to fit in.  Everyone is different, and sometimes people can't afford the more pricey options available to us transpeople.

That being said, FFS has a number of very helpful benefits to passing.  The biggest one for me, was that people who knew me before could divorce their views of me as a guy from my new appearance.  Plus, I'm still not very good at makeup.  FFS just makes it easier for people to look at you and not perceive masculine qualities.  I honestly believe that FFS can be as effective for alleviating GID in transpeople as SRS.  But in the end, there's a point in all of our transition where what really matters is how we feel about ourselves while we are lying in bed in the dark.  The goal is to feel good about ourselves, and find confidence in who we are.  What tools we use to get there vary.

Thank you so much Honestly, having been living as me fulltime for five years prior to starting HRT.... Passing isn't the top priority in my mind... And as I mentioned previously I don't tend to have an issue with people who don't know me (Unless I talk too much... Then my voice becomes obvious..)  However, I would very much like to be what people call 'stealth' someday, including those who know me, which is why I asked...  The truth is how my close friends view me has a high influence on my self esteem, and double standards among my girl-friends whilst I try to not make a big deal or mention it, do make me fee quite low... So if you say that FFS helps in the regard to how people who already know you view you.... I really do need it :/

Quote from: Anna++ on March 02, 2015, 07:47:32 PM
If you're feeling confident in yourself then most people won't even notice any features that reveal you as trans .  It's common to spend a lot of time comparing yourself to your cis-female friends, so it's not surprising that you know exactly what to look for when identifying a trans person.  It took me a while to realize that cis-people don't make the same comparisons, so they don't notice any of the features that make us look trans.

Yes I do this a lot! If I'm sat next to a cis woman I'll compare the shape of her hands to mine etc and I convince myself I stand out like a sore thumb.

I'm not saying that stealth is something I was aiming for, as I never thought it possible for me. But as it I have started to experience what it's like to be taken at face value, for people to talk to you without that questioning look (which I got regularly before FFS) I feel like I'm suddenly in a situation that I hadn't planned for and don't entirely know how to handle. It's not a problem that's altogether unwelcome, quite the opposite really, but I will need to figure it all out a bit I suppose. I just always assumed everyone could tell straight away, and if they can't, then I have to make decisions about disclosure, and figure out how it will affect my self identification. The flip side is that I start to believe something that isn't real, and when the truth is revealed it hits that much harder. And yes, I'm aware Im probably overthinking this!