Yesterday I had an old friend who I haven't seen since I started my transition. She brought another friend of hers along and I was told that if they didn't know that I was transgender they never would have known. so I want to know why is it so hard for me(us) to believe that we are passable? Why is it we don't see what others see? ARGH! Can anyone explain this to me?

Much Love'

Melissa Ann

We tend to hate ourselves to the point that we twist our own visual perception of ourselves. Whenever I come out to a new internet friend, the average response is something along the lines of, "There's no effing way you're not a ciswoman"...every now and again I catch a, "You're so much prettier than me! WTF!?"

It's all psychological.

We're probably so used to beating ourselves up, that we've become experts at it.

Also, we see the changes so gradually (if at all) that we still "see" ourselves as when we were the previous gender...people who see us once in their life, or even every so often, are generally much more impressed than we are (because they have no "before" and "after" minds-eye-view to deal with.)

Nobody can spot trans folks as well as other trans folk. We can damn near always spot each other, so we're used to seeing the world from that point of view.

Some time before I was on hormones, I went out with some friends, "dressed as a girl." I was still shaving with an electric razor at this point and was in no way working on feminizing my voice. The next day I found out that a friend of a friend had no idea I was trans.

Things don't always work in our favor this way, but sometimes they do.

Hi MilissaAnn,

I doubt that the issue is as bad as you might be imagining it is.  The closer that you are right now to the very dramatic experience of transition, the more prevalent is the experience of being overly critical of one's self image.  I think that in time you will find that this feeling you're having is actually the natural process of transition itself.  What I mean is that during the process of transitioning, and for years afterward, we are constantly on alert for any gender markers that might give us away as trans women.  It's actually a perfectly natural part of transitioning to seek out those markers that we wish to shed so that we can take the necessary steps of changing/modifying them.  In time (and the process will take years in most cases) as the event of transition itself becomes a distant memory, I think that most people begin to relax into the certainty of the gender they have grown into. 

I believe that if we as trans women can simply accept the self critical perspective as being a natural part of the process and not get too caught up in the uncomfortable elements of it, we can relax into the process of fine tuning our newly acquired gender presentation and maybe even enjoy the process as we grow and evolve.

Never fear.  Self acceptance is almost certain to bloom within as you grow into womanhood.  Relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor as much as you can.  The best is yet to come.

I'm not yet qualified to comment on trans-specific anxieties, but I know that in other areas we often project our own fears and anxieties onto other people. It's hard to truly grasp that they don't know what's going on in our heads, so when someone makes eye contact, it really feels like they must KNOW whatever it is we're concerned about. Of course they don't, and we all know that, but it can be hard to internalize that.

When I came out to my boss I eventually asked if he had known. He said why? I said because every time you saw me you asked if everything was all right. I would say yes and then he would say are you sure. I though each time, he must know. Well, he had no idea and that is just what he says.

I think many of the problems in my head I made up and projected on others.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on March 03, 2015, 06:32:59 PM
I think many of the problems in my head I made up and projected on others.

Probably true for the majority of people.

Learn to take a compliment. Make it work for you. Let it make you feel giddy and happy. Seize each moment of bliss for what it is.

Chin up!
Cindi

i had a trans friend for awhile that knew I was trans before I did. I didn't wanna believe her... she was going on and on about how someday I was gunna come out and grow boobs. lol.. idk. looking back I wish I'd known. Woulda had more fun together