Hi everyone !!!
 I will begin with what I know the majority of us have experienced in our journey to where we are now. Begin the story of my life.
 I grew up always having feelings for women so in order for me to acheive my desires I would pack. And though I was only able to get so far,Obviously!
I was able to feel natural and confident with myself. With the exception of my mother trying to dress me like a girl and telling me I wasn't a guy.
I met at girl Lori at 14 and we dated for about a year Until my step Mother found out and told her and her family that I was a girl. Oh my God I was mortified!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parents put me in a group home and I did not get out until I was 18.
I then began the search for myself again. I dated several women but somehow could not feel satisfied without the feeling of pentrating them as a man. Hmm........
I was able to meet back up with Lori and we talked I felt very ashammed of what I did to her, She understood and ironically said she was Gay and always knew I wasn't a guy. But didn't want to embarrass me. And probably herself for that matter. We continued to talk and went our own ways for several years then met back up. We have now been together for 15 years, have a wonderful house and all of our families get along.
Now about 10 months ago she told me that she didn't have any sexual desires for me, We worked through the crisis and things seemed good.
Lori had met a woman online through some lesbian book thing and began talking on the phone with her.Then she told me that she wanted to go and visit her. Hmmm..Again. But before all this the last time we made love she told me that she knew that I felt a need to make love to her like a man and that she was open to that. Oh my God I was free at last to be myself with the one I love so deeply. Only for her to go and come back and tell me she has feelings for this woman. Now what? I was floored!!
This has been 2 weeks now and we have talked in depth of our situation including my desires to be of male gender. I told her I was going to find someone to talk to and here I am, But I have also started the trek of meeting someone else. I have an interest in someone now but I don't know how long it will take for me to get comfortable in telling her & being rejected.
Or not telling her & being back where I started. I believe truly in honesty but I am at a loss. I want Lori & I to work things out but if we can't I really need some direction!!! I hope someone can help me & maybe I have some advise that someone could use. Thanks!!!

Good morning, Icabob,

Welcome to Susan's.  I hope that you find a piece of the help you're seeking.

You certainly have a fine mess of emotions and desires there, don't you?  Now I'm not a therapist but for me, once I get a picture of a problem on paper it often helps me to begin its solution.

Your posting touched on many issues, not the least among which are your true gender versus your outside gender, your sexual needs and what you expect from a partner, your past and how it affects your present.

May I suggest that you start a listing of issues by using a time line as your guide?  What happened to you, how old you were, who did it, your response and feelings, and whatever else you feel is useful.  Don't worry about its neatness of completeness on the first pass, just get something down.

Look at what you have written and see what's most important, the things that hurt too much not to address right now.  Everything else can be considered afterward.

You might want to consider looking for a gender therapist to be your guide.

I hope that this helps.

Wing Walker

Hello Icabob and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks very much for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Thanks!!
I can do all of this but need someone to decipher it for me. I am looking for the therapy thing already and have been to them plenty in my youth.(although it was for the consquences of my thoughts & actions. if that makes sense)
So that is in the works !!! I don't believe that my desires are wrong. It's the
the fact that I need to share them with the one I love. I am going to get that down like you suggested for myself ,but would also like to share it with others here. Where to post ?
And yes there is a lot of childhood baggage that I carry at times. It comes in waves. Thank you so much for the quick reply and the helping hand !!
Icabob

Hi icabob
Would you happen to have any whatsisits? Wing-Walker is a gadget girl but she is plumb out of whatsisits. I need some whatsisits, bleep, bleep, the girl from Mars. "Tee, hee." just mesin with you hun.

Cindy

Huh? That's okay, You made me laugh!!!
  Thanks for that!!! Icabob

Quote from: icabob on November 04, 2007, 05:26:20 AM
Thanks!!
I can do all of this but need someone to decipher it for me. I am looking for the therapy thing already and have been to them plenty in my youth.(although it was for the consquences of my thoughts & actions. if that makes sense)
So that is in the works !!! I don't believe that my desires are wrong. It's the
the fact that I need to share them with the one I love. I am going to get that down like you suggested for myself ,but would also like to share it with others here. Where to post ?
And yes there is a lot of childhood baggage that I carry at times. It comes in waves. Thank you so much for the quick reply and the helping hand !!
Icabob

These are the steps that I went through in my early transition.  Please be aware that only you and your therapist can conclusively determine if you are gender dysphoric and are a qualified candidate for HRT.

A gender *good* (a relative term) gender therapist will help you to see your dysphoria or whatever else might be on your mind.

If it's a finding of dysphoria, you can be recommended for HRT in 90 to 120 days from the start of the gender therapy, the "sorting out" process.

If the therapist recommends HRT you can go to any doctor who will do it for you.  Sometimes the therapist has someone they trust and sometimes the patient provides their own HRT doctor.

I was on HRT for two years and it helped me in more ways than I had ever hoped.  I am still on a wondrous journey, courtesy of Mother Estrogen.

A few weeks after starting HRT I began dress in my gender on evenings and weekends.  I wore a wig made of human hair (if you buy a wig you get what you pay for), a top, shorts/jeans/slacks, and matching shoes and purse.  I was flat-chested but I didn't care.

When I shopped for clothing I always tried it on, in the women's dressing room, before I took it home.

Around this time I prepared a "carry letter" to show any police officers if I had a gender-related problem, like in my case, using the women's restrooms.  It was signed by my gender therapist, my HRT doctor, and my psychiatrist.  I had them sign in blue ink and I made color copies of it and had them laminated.  I always had a copy in my purse.  If you want to know the text, please PM me.

Two years after I started HRT I changed my name and the gender marker on my driver's license by court order.  A week after that I reported to work. 

I hope that this is of some use to you to know this.

Wing Walker
Flying Above the Clouds

Understood I will look into this. Thank you!!!

Posted on: November 06, 2007, 05:01:41 AM

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Hey,
  Update, I have met a friend who finds my standings( as I will refer to them as.) Very interesting and I think that she will walk through high water with me. Just friends.
I have looked into what Wing Walker has suggested. Makes sense.
This new friend finds my life very interesting and thinks I should write
a book. Too funny we could all be famous. Always wondered how I could not consider myself to be a lesbian, That would mean having to be a woman. Now I get it. Thank you I have a starting point.
Now time to heal and grow with my new quest!!!
  Will get back to you.   Icabob (Happy person  )

Posted on: November 11, 2007, 06:06:35 AM

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Oh and by the way Wing Walker, I don't know the meaning of whatsisits but I'm a bit of a software hacker. Willing to help in return for your warm welcome and advise. 

Hi icabob
Well there isn't much I can add that would be of better suggestions then what Wing Walker has already pointed out to you. Except that everyone has their own unique way of transitioning. For me I had no difficulties except for being somewhat nervous on my first few days going out full time. My transition went well with little problems. But having a choice I would have to say definitely, not. It was either do or die and the inner me didn't did not like the idea of dying so I gave into her.

As for whatsisits, that was my invention. Wing Walker likes to tinker with gadgets, you know? Like tinkering with electronics. I just collect things on the ground when I'm walking about. I have no idea what they are, nor what they were used for. I bring them home and put them on the entertainment center along with my collection of fairies. Maybe the fairies can use them for something "hee, hee." I also got lots of imaginary pet critters, like my dragon and my Pterodactyl, good thing they don't take up to much space except in my mind. OK that's enough, Oh almost forgot I also have a pretty good collection of Dolls that I accumulated through the years.

Maybe I'm just a trans pack rat inventing imaginary critters and such to play with and writing children's fantasy stories and acting out different female characters in the privacy of my apartment before I transitioned is what helped me through transition. I had a couple of lady friends that I use to love performing for. I know, I know, probably think I'm nuts, but hey, I think I've been called every labeled in the book during my day and I believe crazy was only one of them. What can I say, I love performing and making people laugh while I'm at it.

Having an Imagination  is wonderful

Cindy

Quote from: icabob on November 11, 2007, 05:45:05 AM

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Oh and by the way Wing Walker, I don't know the meaning of whatsits but I'm a bit of a software hacker. Willing to help in return for your warm welcome and advise. 

LOL!  My partner, Cindy, collects whatsits.  A whatsit is anything that either has no accepted name or something that has no other name at all, accepted or not.  It just is.

I am a gadget girl but my knowledge is ancient.  I was in the military and I served as a "hands-on, troubleshoot it to the component level" electronics technician.  I'm still fond of gadgets of almost every kind.

May I recommend a book to you?  It's called "Back Off!" by Martha Langelan.  It is my handbook to recognizing and handling sexual and gender harassment, on the job, on the street, on the subway, wherever someone feels like trying it.  You can get it at Amazon.com.

Have a good week!

Wing Walker

 Thank you ladies for the definition of the whatsits. Very interesting & unique.
I will look into the book. Going to talk to my doc this week.
Wing walker I build computers from the ground up just for the fun of it.
The magic time is when it actually works when your done !!!
I have shared my feelings with a new friend that I have met. I hope I haven't scared her. She said that she will listen just can't give advice. Understood.
I had to share because I don't like secrets and I'm am very open with my feelings.
  All the people that know me including family know me as being a lesbian so I don't have that hurdle to jump over. No one except my Mother has ever judged or challenged me. This is over the identity within myself that they do not know and it is a new challenge to learn to understand it. Starting first with myself.  Hope you find many whatsits today. 
Thank you !!