life is hell being transgender it never gets better I wish people would stop saying that bull->-bleeped-<-, I feel trapped and the only way out is to kill myself. What kind of options are these, transition and be seen as a freak the worst thing you can be in societys eyes, lose family, have no one ever want to be with you, be a man with a vagina, or stay in this disgusting female body miserable everyday. Why couldn't I have just been born right? The only hope I have is if they improve bottom surgery Im not destroying my whole life to be a half man with a vagina what's the point. I am waiting 5 years years in misery to see if the surgery improves otherwise im killing myself, from all the reading ive done the surgery is not going to improve within our lifetimes so that only means one thing, i hope next time ill be born right,  Idont think that is much to ask. I just wish to be a normal guy and I never will be

Hey - welcome to the forum. Thing is you never know where the next five years might take you - and there are amazing advances being made in medical science, including growing penises in a lab from stem cells.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/09/lab-grown-penis-human-testing_n_5953806.html

(even though that article says it wouldn't be possible to use that technique for trans men there's always the chance that could change or that other advances might be made)

I hope you can find some help and support.

Hey there.

I'm sure many of us, myself included, have felt this way at times.

I'm assuming from your post that you have not started a formal transition. Are there options available for you to do so? Have you spoken to friends and family, or are you speculating the worst. They may surprise you.

Also, things can change. My mother wanted nothing to do with me for 3 years, and we did not see each other or speak. But that has changed and we have a relationship now.

I can relate to your feeling that there is no point, and you will just end up a freak - which I felt early on. But 3 years later my only regret is not doing it sooner. Life is so much better. Sure it's not perfect and sacrifices have had to be made - medical expenses instead of travelling and so forth. But for whatever reason, it's the hand we were dealt and learning to deal with this will only make you a stronger man.

I'm not going to lie about the reality - I lost the girl of my dreams, who left me after finally deciding she wanted to get out there and meet a guy who would give her children. That hurt more than anything, ever. BUT - I would not change being who I am. I guess even though I still think she was, she must have not been the one for me.

I think, instead of fast forwarding and thinking about future relationships you need to get happy with yourself first. There are different options for lower surgery yes, but in the earlier days the happiness from hormones and then top surgery is just the best, maybe you can't picture that yet?

In terms of ending your life, again I'm sure many of us have been there. I have. And with my life now, I'm glad I didn't. If you are serious then please, see the front page thread on numbers you can call.

I would encourage you to trawl through the threads on this site, and read about lots of different lives and experiences. There are many happy guys with good lives. You can get there too.

Please don't even think about killing yourself, I was at that point 3 years ago when I decided that I may as well try to transition, my view was that if it didn't work out I could still kill myself.
I'm so very glad I tried flapping my arms as I jumped from the burning building that was my life because now i've learnt to fly & the view from up here is fantastic.


Please, please, please speak to your doctor about being refered to a gender therapist (not a bog standard one). Within a few days of starting HRT I knew i'd done the right thing, just over one year later & i've never felt happier, I can't believe I considered suicide instead of transition

Why does it matter how society sees you? Surely it's more important to be accepted by those you choose to have in your life.

As a man with a vagina, I can say it has gotten better in my experience. Everyday I feel more and more like myself, where before I felt like I was barely existing. This is all thanks to hormones, top surgery looming on the horizon, and the support of the important people in my life.

Bottom surgery is likely not in my immediate future, because like you, I'm not too keen on the results as they are. But I think you are incorrect about medicine's stagnation. The link Ms. Grace posted is just one of many improvements in the field. It seems like every year, surgeons are coming up with new procedures or means of improving upon the existing ones.

Don't lose hope.

I look in my husbands eyes and now see deep rooted happiness that he has been longing for his whole life.

He is seeing a man in the mirror.

Battle scars are a trade off but so worth the alternative.

I see a man I love. 

I see a man in society, he is a man of society. He has a phallo. 

Things are progressing in health faster then you think.

Will what you search for be possible,  I will say yes. Tomorrow could just be that day.

Hang in,  life is what you make of it. 



 

Hey hang in there dude:) if things get really bad, don't be afraid to seek help. Happiness is out there you just have to find means of creating it for yourself.

we are the misfortunate. its just the way life is, and that really f**king sucks, but dude theres no way around it. You need to come to terms with the fact that you will never be  a cis-male, and realize that while that is true, you can still live a wonderful life. I know thats not what your wanting to here right now but it is the truth, okay? That stem cell research is actually very promising for us, the more its developed. Suicide isn't just a way to end your pain, it is so much more than that, because you see, suicide creates more pain than it eases.  Yeah for you thats a way to be free from the body you are in and end your dysphoria and emotional distress, but all the people around you will mourn your life for much longer than you have been in this intense pain. We will never meet the perfect standards and requirements to be a cisgendered man. But that does not mean that we cannot make the most of the life we are given! Depression is a mental illness and it can be treated, right along with bi-polar disorder. I only add that because i honestly do not know what it is that you are struggling with, but me myself? Im 16 years old living with bi-polar, so i understand what your feeling, and as far as intense dysphoria, im sure we all here now that as well. I have been hospitalized 5 times in almost two years, around the time that my bi-polar cycles to depression. I know what it feels like to feel helpless and trapped in a body that makes your cringe and cry when you look in the mirror. I know what its like to avoid them all together, afraid of what you know you will see, not being able to bear the fact that you can never truly be who you were meant to be. But the truth is, this is who you were meant to be. The universe makes no mistakes, you were born into this body for a reason. Do not give up on trying to see what your life could be, this life. Being trapped in this body does not have to stop you from enjoying life! You can be so much more than a soul breaking free from a body strung out on a cord, You can be beautiful, amazing, talented, intelligent, a positive influence, some ones role model, a brotherly figure, a civil rights leader, an awareness raiser, a son, an uncle, a father, a friend. Do not give up on all the possibilities of who you can become just because you are different, just because you are depressed, because even though you cannot see it, there is hope, and your life is much more valuable than you have come to believe.   


here is some music for you:) i wrote them a little while back but i hope they make you feel better....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc5DyRQJo2E&index=43&list=PLNnWDaFpuc2UMqE22D9bOIR3tTj25HMBh


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-HnmoGSUa0&list=PLNnWDaFpuc2UMqE22D9bOIR3tTj25HMBh&index=36



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ohhq9X0M9k&index=44&list=PLNnWDaFpuc2UMqE22D9bOIR3tTj25HMBh

I am not a freak. I am not unfortunate. I am proud to be trans because I understand things in a way no one else can. Cis people take their entire lives for granted. I appreciate everything I have because I know what its like not to have it. I am as much of a man as a cis man is. Anatomy has nothing to do with who you are. That is called cissexism and is itself transphobic to equate genitals to anything. It does not make us who we are

People say it because its true. Im glad I moved past this mindset you are in. I have matured beyond it and see things from a better perspective now. No its not an easy life, mostly because of other people, but its what we have. Why throw your life away over something treatable. We're lucky we have any options to become who we are. Not that long ago they had nothing at all. Yes some things can be further improved upon but they still exist when really they might not considering the ignorance of society towards us. Transition and be seen right. I am 10 months on T, no surgery at all yet and am seen 100% male. No one knows I am trans apart from people I deal with on a medical basis. I am not a freak. You are also assuming everyone will leave you and no one wants you because of it. Another misconception. A lot of families do not disown them for being trans. Those that do are too hung up on their own problems. Telling my gf I was trans made us closer. No we are not unlovable freaks. You are buying into society's ignorant view of us because they know nothing about it. People judge and hate things that they dont understand. Dont buy into that bs.

I dont like all this continual misinformation about bottom surgery either. Like oh its sooo crap.. misinformation that trans people themselves are spreading. If you dont personally like it fine but dont tell other people its crap its offensive. There are improvements that can be made but what is available right now is not bad. Its just quite extensive and invasive but it works

We are 'normal'. Normality is a social constuct and a lie. There is no such thing as 'normal'. If it exists in nature it is normal, just less common. It is also offensive to call cis people 'normal' as if we are inheritantly abnormal. They are cis, not normal. Given the choice to be born cis knowing what I know now I would refuse. I dont want to live in ignorance and not understanding anything. 2 years ago I held ignorant views as well, not a 'real' man and ->-bleeped-<- like that. I grew out of it and I know its all just crap now. I've learned and evolved a lot in the past few years, so can you. We are who we are. Why should I be ashamed of that because an ignorant person thinks I should be. If anything Im stronger than them because I've had to earn what I have while they have everything handed to them and understand and appreciate nothing. I dont regret what I have. I regret waiting so long so do what Im doing now. I know it is hard and it can be easy to fall into those nonsense thoughts of inadequacy but none of it is true. I hope one day you will see that as I have. No we dont all have to have the same views on things but those thoughts are not true at all however you might feel now they're not

Hey, dude. I know how you feel. And I'm not the only one. Trust me. I have chronic depression, like many, despairing dysphoria, like many, and anxiety crisis mixed with anguish feelings that make my heart feel as heavy as a rock... Like many. I feel it every single day, every single second of every hour. At every moment, my chest feels so compressed I can hardly find the strength to breath. I just cry and scream. I haven't started T yet. But I have hope that once I do start T, things will get better. A least a little better. I dropped out of high-school when I was 15 and it took me 4 years to graduate. I thought I was never, ever going to be able to do it, simply because I thought I did not have the necessary mental strength nor the patience to ever do it. I thought I was going to be stuck forever. And I did it. I made it. And during those 4-5 years, I had to see all of my friends graduate, move out to college and experience life, while I was being held hostage to a condition that was destroying me bit to bit. I know it's hard. I know being trans hurts. I know life is not fair to us. And it is not! We have to deal with an everyday weight of not belonging to ourselves. And that is heavy as ->-bleeped-<-! But there is a reason why we make it! There is a reason! Many times I have thought about killing myself for the same reason as you! I thought that by killing myself, I was finally going to be able to reincarnate into another body - the right body. And that would give me a lot of hope. I'm not going to lie, it still does give me hope because occasionally I still think about ending my life. This is going to sound silly, but - sometimes I look at the sky and I am filled out by something extremely powerful. It's what gives the strength to carry on. There's something out there that makes this world turns and that confers justice to the wronged. Believe me. Things will get better.

All the love, all the love to you, friend. Stay strong.