Hello again lovely peoples. I posted here a bit ago looking for people who could relate to my "I'm bigender, but which side am I most comfortable in?" issue, and ended up getting a lot more relatable information than I could handle. Most people said what I was describing was really just me slowly coming to terms with being a trans woman and sort of using the bigender label to dip my toes without all the repercussions that come with being a trans woman (fear, choice to transition, social backlash). Most agreed that, in their experience, they all eventually realized they were trans women and began their transitions. Well I've had time to process my feelings and figured I'd give a small update/rant because I've been feeling absolutely awful about the whole thing lately.
I feel completely numb. Could just be because I'm a twenty-something on the verge of beginning the first day of the rest of my life, but I find that I feel pretty emotionally numb towards everything, including my transgender feelings. Which definitely doesn't help me understand myself at all. I want to just bite my lip and jump into transition, start hormones, save up money for potential surgeries, yada yada. But then I ask myself "is that really what you want?" and I just draw a blank.
It's like I've accepted being a trans woman but I have all these things pushing me back. I'm afraid of so many things. I run every experience I have through the "how would this play out if I were trans?" filter. Every time I speak with a friend I wonder if they would still be friends with me if they knew. Some I even know that they wouldn't. What about my parents feelings? I'm in a very serious relationship with a pansexual person, so that is nice. But what about her family? Would they be proud and accepting if we were to marry? If I transitioned, would I miss "straight sex"? Thoughts like that of course make me question my ->-bleeped-<- completely. Sometimes I still feel comfortable and proud as a man, which leaves me upset and disappointed. But the envy of females and the desire to become one is a feeling that is never far from my mind. Frustrating.
I'm just caught up in a cloud of fear, doubt, and ever-shifting priorities. I'm a 23 year old who has had dreams and aspirations since I was very young that I still plan on pursuing. But this transgender thing is really messing with my perceptions and priorities regarding how the next few years of my life will go down. Part of me wants to just push myself over the edge and finally begin my transition before it's "too late". I understand these things take time and that there's no rushing it. I must go at a pace that I can handle, but it's almost like I can't handle this pace because it's too dang slow! I just want to slap myself and say "are you trans or not!?"
In the heat of the moment, I'm fairly good at managing my emotions. I usually go into a numb state, like a defense mechanism, that just prevents my feelings from being felt so they don't get out of control. But in terms of my transgender feelings, I really WANT them to get out of control just so I can know for sure this is what I need. The scary part is, the numbness mechanism usually leads to a snapping and my emotions come rushing out all at once, which has lead to some nasty emotional breakdowns in the past which has included self-harm. I definitely don't want that to happen again, which is another reason why I wish I could figure this all out sooner rather than later. I feel like a time bomb for sure.
Have you guys felt the same? That you want to accept yourself and begin your life as a trans woman/man so f***ing bad but just couldn't bring yourself to fully embrace it?
Thanks for reading, hope to hear from you guys
-Jacqueline
