Hello all I'm Natalie from Texas.  I'm new to the forum but I've been lurking for years and the advice is truly the best.

I am 19 now and I'm going to school for computer science. I started transitioning at 17, and lucky to have understanding parents. I am passing completely now and am currently in a relationship for a year. So here is my concerns. Please excuse me if my post gets graphic, if that kind of thing upsets you please stop reading and if you're reading this for some kind of thrill, please also stop reading.

I met my boy friend a year ago. He accepts me for me, he's never laid a hand on me. But some things bother me about our intimate relationship. He likes me to be on top in that reverse cowgirl thing, which is fun except that my bits tend to flop around quite a bit, I'm quite endowed so it's painful, I've asked him to stop and I always end up in that position because he sweet talks me and I don't want to ruin the moment. Another thing that recently disturbed me is that he talks me I to taking cialis or viagra even though I refuse to penetrate him I end up getting random erections. There has also been times where I think he put some in a drink of mine because I get that same feeling of random erections. We were at the movies and he was kissing my neck etc and again it happened. Am I so naive to think he truly loves me?  I don't know what to do. If I break up with him I think he'll be really mad.

Thanks,
Nat

I dont know girl, the drugged drink thing raises a huge flag... how often is this? Is he open when you try to discuss your intimate positions? I don't wanna advise you wrong, bc i will feel terrible if you try to put your foot down and he does something horrible. Can you tell us more about his personality / your relationship? Any instances of disrespect for your identity? How do your parents view him? Do you live together?
(mind you the frequency is irrelevant, if its happening AT ALL its NOT OKAY) I'm just trying to gauge the situation/his agression..

If you aren't comfortable then there is definitely an issue. It's as simple as that for me. I dunno. If he's drugging you even worse. I would run.

Ignoring your boundaries and possibly spiking your drink is not ok.

I too was in an abusive relationship for two years. Physical fighting constantly, finally I smashed the bathroom trashcan over his head and left him. But DONT DO THAT! I have come to terms with my problems that stemmed from such abuse, and I've learned there is so much more to a man than his control. I understand how trapped and alone you feel love, stay strong, and keep paying attention to his little nuances for those can be useful indicators of a major problem. What previous actions have helped you come to believe he would be really angry about you leaving him? Maybe distancing yourself from him will help those crazy traits surface? Could you stay at your folks'?

Remember: NO MEANS NO!

And there's not any amount of sweet talk that can change that...if he insists on riding you in a way that is uncomfortable (or worse, painful), that is a deal-breaker, period full stop.

Drugging you against you will ( whether by begging/sweet talking) or by sneaky methods is another deal breaker.

Whether or not it's abusive, it sounds like your relationship is an unhealthy one. Better to be single than be raped at random times (or anytime, for that matter)

Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 04, 2015, 03:39:57 PM
Remember: NO MEANS NO!

And there's not any amount of sweet talk that can change that...if he insists on riding you in a way that is uncomfortable (or worse, painful), that is a deal-breaker, period full stop.

Drugging you against you will ( whether by begging/sweet talking) or by sneaky methods is another deal breaker.

Whether or not it's abusive, it sounds like your relationship is an unhealthy one. Better to be single than be raped at random times (or anytime, for that matter)

Amen.

It's still rape if at any time during the act you withdraw your consent and he doesn't stop.

You need to communicate with him.  All of your issues and concerns.  Explain that you have some expectations he is not meeting, and that you are not ok with performing sexually in certain positions.  If he keeps trying to convince you to do things you're uncomfortable with you need to stop that moment and leave the room.  As long as he has your implicit consent and you stay quiet, he will not know how much it bothers you.

Drink water, and pay attention to your glass in general, with or without your boyfriend.  I have heard of guys slipping viagra/cialis into their girlfriend's drink before, but it is so they are in the mood for sex more.  It doesn't make it ok, however guys aren't always well known for being considerate.

Worse comes to worse, get a nanny-cam and set it up pointing toward your dinner table.  Or get a purse-cam and set it on the table with your drink and look at the footage in private after.  If your suspicions are confirmed, then you confront him and most-likely break up with him.

I would say that trust issues are probably the biggest concern in your relationship.  Although it doesn't fit typical abuse patterns based on the information you provided in the OP.  I have been through a lot of abuse, and I hope that your relationship doesn't spiral or escalate into abuse cycles.  Feel free to PM me if you want further advice outside of this thread.

Take care, hugs,
- Katie

Welcome to the forum. If you are not comfortable doing something and have said so he continually pressures or trick you into doing it then yes it is abusive. Yes, raising it with him might make him angry, if you are concerned for your safety you should talk to someone who might be able to support and help you in standing up to him. Just because "he accepts you as you are" is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You might love him but if he can't respect your boundaries then how much of that love is truly being reciprocated?

Drugged + doing things you are not comfortable with = ABUSE.

I can shed some light on his personality. He's extremely manipulative, and I've allowed it to get out of hand. I've moved away from where my parents live to be with him. He's bought me implants,  which he chose the size and style, and they're enormous. I have a slight frame and I'm only 5'2" I was a 32c cup before and now I can't even find bras in my size. They're 500 cc and high profile, luckily they're healed, but they're heavy. The reason I think he slips me drugs is because by the time we get home from dinner or whatever I have a difficult time with the erections and I didn't even get them before I met him. Does cialis or viagra linger? I do realize now that I've been used and manipulated. I have friends, and I can learn to live with the implants maybe.  I have friends who can take me in but they're all his friends. I gave a bit of savings, I'm thinking of just leaving.

Trust your instincts.  This guy sounds like a creep to me.   Way too many red flags...

Hugs,
Jill

Quote from: natalie19 on March 04, 2015, 04:25:58 PM
I can shed some light on his personality. He's extremely manipulative, and I've allowed it to get out of hand. I've moved away from where my parents live to be with him. He's bought me implants,  which he chose the size and style, and they're enormous. I have a slight frame and I'm only 5'2" I was a 32c cup before and now I can't even find bras in my size. They're 500 cc and high profile, luckily they're healed, but they're heavy. The reason I think he slips me drugs is because by the time we get home from dinner or whatever I have a difficult time with the erections and I didn't even get them before I met him. Does cialis or viagra linger? I do realize now that I've been used and manipulated. I have friends, and I can learn to live with the implants maybe.  I have friends who can take me in but they're all his friends. I gave a bit of savings, I'm thinking of just leaving.

Youre heads in the right place girl. You sound like a very smart woman. You deserve better than some manipulative doucher.. I would advise staying away from his friends, for their loyalty is most likely with him. Plus he can keep tabs on you there. Is there anywhere else? And i'm sure those drugs do linger in your bloodstream.. Every drug does, even roofies does for 24 hrs only though (if I remember correctly)..

More and more I would have to say get out, run. Go back home if you need to. Right now your safety is paramount and he might not be hitting yet but he is giving signs that the beatings might come.

Cialis stays in your system 72 hours.

From what you said his actions cause you physical and mental pain. He dismisses how you feel and continues relations when you withdraw consent. What do you think will happen next?

Trust your instincts.



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Quote from: White Rabbit on March 04, 2015, 04:36:43 PM
More and more I would have to say get out, run. Go back home if you need to. Right now your safety is paramount and he might not be hitting yet but he is giving signs that the beatings might come.

They're right girly.. I wouldnt stay. You deserve so much more! Is your folks' place an option?? You said they are accepting, did you have a falling out over this guy? if so dont be afraid to go home bc they would love nothing more than to see you away from him (thats if the previous question is reality) regardless im sure they would love to have you home, right? Surely its a great improvement from where you are now! Please be safe, I don't know you from Adam but I already wanna cut the dude... and like katie said, feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I have some great ears
Much love <3
-Serenity Faith

omg that's awful. he sounds like a creep but if you are financially dependant on him you might have to stay unless you can find some friends to live with. do u have any friends who can support you while you get back on your feet. just an idea. it's your choice whether or not you stay with this man.

Thank you everyone for the kind words of encouragement. I'm saving some money, by the end of the month I'm leaving. Just gotta tough it out till then.  I'm OK with receiving pm too.

Nat

Natalie, from what you wrote I think leaving is the right decision! Just be careful until you can!