Thanks everyone, I was so close to phoning the GP for appointment this morning, banging my head against the shower wall wanting my thoughts to stop and then crying. Oh dear what a state, I seem to be feeling better again, it seems that wave has crashed for now, wonder how long till next one .

Yes, I think when I was younger coding was a good way to escape myself, I loved to make games and still do as a hobby but I find myself without really enough energy and time to do what I would love to do.

I may give Sandyford a phone tomorrow and see where I am on the waiting list and quiz them about being in Tayside. When you told GP how much did you tell them,  I have a male GP and though he's very nice I may well be his first Trans patient, fact he knows who I am and family connections, arrgghhh. It's why I didn't want any GP involvement unless I have no other option to take hormones to fix me.

Only 3 and a bit more weeks till I can drink wine again

Well I just took the first appointment with any gp that was available once I finally room that first step, I just kinda told him that I am female and want to start transitioning. He was also a male  gp though I'm not sure for me if it made a difference compared to finally getting into a mental state that I would be finally doing something rather than come up with excuses like I did for years to not do anything.

I sought out a new (female) doctor when I decided that I had to see someone about my GD.  Is it possible that you could make an appointment with a different doctor at your surgery (a female one if that would make you more comfortable, as it did me), and when you see her, explain the delicate situation regarding your knowing the other GP outside of the doctor-patient relationship, and ask her to be discreet for the time being?  I'm sure she would understand. 

Only you and the healthcare professionals will be able to decide whether hormones are for you in the longer term, but for now it sounds like you just need to talk to someone.  We all know what you're going through and it sucks, but hang in there.  One way or another you will figure something out that works for you.  Really you just need someone qualified to listen right now.  That may be the counsellor you're talking to on Skype, and maybe you'll be ok with just them until you get to Sandyford.  Just remember that there are other options available if you need them.

Quote from: Cat on March 05, 2015, 10:08:13 AM
I sought out a new (female) doctor when I decided that I had to see someone about my GD.  Is it possible that you could make an appointment with a different doctor at your surgery (a female one if that would make you more comfortable, as it did me), and when you see her, explain the delicate situation regarding your knowing the other GP outside of the doctor-patient relationship, and ask her to be discreet for the time being?  I'm sure she would understand. 

Cat`s advice is excellent, and that`s what I did when I approached our family Doctor`s practice, 'way back then' as a young teenager.......I wrote her a letter explaining that I was imminently coming to see her, and then telling EVERYTHING I felt and knew about myself and my gender-identity predicament. I then hand delivered the letter to the surgery the morning before my booked {double length} appointment, under the assurance that the letter would be given personally and unopened, to the G.P.......When I arrived for the appointment, she had indeed read it {several times, evidently} and was very ready and willing to help...........that supportive relationship lasted 37 years until her retirement.
Doctors are people, they feel for their clients and go into practice to 'make a difference'......they also find interest in individual-difference and often like a challenge, just think how many ordinary clinic appointments they hold, where it`s all just coughs and colds?....A client presenting with G.D is a 'challenge', and one where they can see they`ve really helped!

Be brave and confident, Amy.

Best wishes,
Deb. 

Thanks, I woke up so depressed this morning, my wife cheered me up by putting some of her lippy on me as she left for her work , with the kids around. My counselling went well with some tears in between , looks like I need to see my GP and get properly on the transition path, having wine tonight and need a big talk with my wife, wish me luck x

On a related note, going to see Dr Myskow for the first time today.

Wish me luck

J

Best of luck, I was wondering if I should pay to go see her myself but then if I do end up getting hormones it would cost quite a bit but hopefully eventually I would get them on the NHS.

Good luck to you both.

Dr Myskow went really well. Spent the whole weekend afterward feeling elated and little high
At one point I was qualifying something I said with "you know...assuming I go ahead" and she just looked at me and said "I think we both know you're going to go ahead". If anything she found the plan I had written out a little conservative.  I'm finding myself looking to the future with a sense of brightness and enthusiasm I haven't felt in years.

Amy I can thoroughly recommended her to you. Though I would say that in Scotland a consensus was reached that a person has to be pretty much living in role before hormones are prescribed and the private providers possibly err on the cautious side after what happened to Dr Curtis down in London with the GMC.

Quote from: Sandra_Dickinson on March 05, 2015, 05:31:13 AM

I have also noticed an interest in software and a few Warhammer girls here too

I was into both Warhammer and programming as a teenager as well. Though I always gravitated toward the side games for some reason (Epic, Man-o-War, Necromunda) I've had a plan on the back burner for years to teach myself programming a new language by writing a man'o'war game

Anyway, bubbling over a bit here. Thanks for being there girls.

Jessica

Oh Im so glad it went well, thanks for the update, that's what I thought that she would require RLE to prescribe hormones and being married with kids I cant do that so I guess I will just have to ride the GD waves, last one was the worst I've ever had, I was trying to dress a bit androg with skinny jeans but my wife lost it with me and told me to take them off as I looked ridiculous, last week I got told no to a jumper of hers but she can wear mine. Anyway after a blazing row I went off for a walk with dog, she apologized when I got back but felt blue all day. Somehow though I've woken up today and the wave seems to have spent its energy, I feel good, got energy and happy, I so forgot what it felt like to feel "normal" again so I'm trying not to think about how I will deal with next wave.  It so hate having to hide who I am, maybe I could manage part-time , go away for odd weekend but I would want to have my facial hair removed and counsellor said sometimes just low-level hormones without transitioning can often help with the emotional side but there isn't a pathway for that on NHS its pure binary, you must transition then you get hormones. If I wasn't married with kids I would be straight to GP and on the pathway.

Sorry if I sounded a bit of a misery guts the other week, I hope everyone is getting on fine and would love to hear how things are progressing. After my row with wife we made up and I went into man mode for a few weeks which ended yesterday, SO SO good to be dressed and feel true again, the man mode feels more and more like an act but I can handle that for now, I think . My wife even agreed to see me/Amy and didn't run for the hills so progress of sorts I think. Trying hard with makeup , less is more I feel but how to hide the blue beard shadow under the skin with the least amount of makeup, I would be grateful for any advice there?

No need to apologise Amy! It's a rough time you're going through and we can all appreciate that ♥

I'm glad things are getting better with your wife, from back in the thread you can see things started off pretty rocky between Sarah and I too. We're separated now, but a lot closer than we were before. Hopefully you guys can work out something between you that works best, whatever that may be.

And I wish I could give you advice on beard shadow while being minimal :/ I'm usually caked in makeup to cover mine as I have dark hair and light skin: Concealer, foundation and powder. I suppose it works best if you can get something that matches your skin tone well and work more to blend it in with your skin rather than try to cover it up entirely like me. I have quite bad bags under my eyes, always have, and I find it looks best if I actually use more foundation at the edges to try and blend the shade into my cheekbones, rather than trying to recolour the entire area.

http://stylebakery.com/stylebakery/beauty/how-to-apply-concealer-trish-mcevoys-triangle-of-light-method/

Of course, this is not what you asked - just thought it may be relevant in applying makeup to darker areas of your skin and blending them. Practice, practice, practice!

Thanks Sandra,
Sorry to hear you are separated, but glad you are still close, I'm trying to keep the Amy side of me limited but its so hard, I keep telling myself if I can wait till 55, kids all left school I can maybe transition then and blow my pension pot on FFS lol. Will have to try part-time and get out in the real world and see if I can handle it. Yes concealer , foundation and powder is what I usually use, I've been googling tonight and dermablend has been mentioned so will maybe see if can get some of that . Practice, Practice as you say.

And thank you so much for replying.

Hugs
Amy x

I thoroughly recommend going out part-time at some point, it will make it clear if this is for you. The first time you are referred to as ma'am (or in the case of us Scots girls 'doll' or 'hen') you will realise if this is something you need or not. And I'd say sooner rather than later, things like this fester if not dealt with and it's important that people you love don't bear the brunt of the pain you're feeling.

Only my silly opinion though, please don't take it as gospel. If you're going to speak to Sandyford soon then make sure they understand what you've said here to us. Also, bug them incessantly. Seemed to get me seen to faster :p

Yes I think you are right, I've been to a makeover down near Glasgow and was so good to be dressed 100% female with makeup done and everything, I still remember that time when I first saw myself. I was just so so happy, it was like the weight that had been crushing my all through my life had been lifted and I knew then what it was that had been getting me down through the years. Its like I had been stuck in a mist , I remember describing it like that before I started dressing a few years back, knowing some thing wasn't right. I've kept myself so busy with work, marriage , kids that it didn't seem to matter but now, WHY NOW, lol.
It does. Anyway that first time I saw myself in the mirror, it was like OMG I look like my sister. I've always been a bit jealous of her and I think I know why.

Since then I've been trying to balance things but I seem to be carried along on waves, sometimes it feels like Im in shallow water and can let them crash through me and Im fine, but more and more its like Im in deeper water and I have to swim hard to keep afloat, if its doing one thing its teaching me how to describe my feelings .

So yes I do need to get out for real, its so scary though. I guess I need to get to a trans meeting maybe in Edinburgh, T-Monthly I think its called.
I put my name down for Sandyford last summer, self referred but I think I read that there may be issues if in Tayside. I just want someone to tell me , diagnose if I really do have Gender Dysphoria or I'm somehow imagining and fantasising all this.

I love your knew profile pic , that colour really suits you

Its so sunny outside at the moment, looking forward to taking my dog for walk during my lunch-break. One of the perks of working from home
Thanks again
Hugs
Amy

I wonder what the issue is with Tayside. That seems strange. Do you know that there is a walk in clinic the Sandyford on a Tuesday I think it is. You may have to wait in a queue but you will be seen (and they are really lovely people). I'm also interested in where you got the full works near Glasgow. I've often toyed with the idea myself but tend to guddle by on my own. Just for your information there is an area within Glasgow in which there are a clutch of gay and lesbian bars. Not the same thing I know but it's quite relaxing to be able to stroll about a bit from one place to another without being judged and commented on. Speakeazy, Underground and Katies Bar are all on John Street just off George Square. They all have their own unique feel and atmosphere. (and not expensive  )

That would be so much fun if I can pluck up the nerve one day, though Edinburgh is easier to get to for me I haven't heard of many places to go out there. I think Dundee is maybe too close to home at the moment as I'm not out to anyone but my wife.

Hi ladies!  Scottish girl here to, from up north in Aberdeen. I've been on HRT for just over a year now and just recently had my two confirmation letters sent away for GRS excited but anxious for the wait! Anyone on here from up in my area, and what stage is everyone at?

Look forward to hearing from you all 

Thanks Amy, I don't think I'll ever go back to being a boring brunette now! Maybe we'll get another drink/meetup in the summer when things are a bit warmer X

Hi Lucy! Welcome to the thread! Been transitioning for a while, 3rd month on HRT for me, so I'm still a little girl. I'm from the Lothians  X

Love the profile pics on both of you! So many beautiful ladies here X

Quote from: Sandra_Dickinson on March 26, 2015, 12:54:58 PM

Love the profile pics on both of you! So many beautiful ladies here X

One reason why I chose to go with a cryptic graphic.