First, please forgive me if I get mixed up in pronouns, this is actually the first time we have reached out to the community we are proud to be a part of.

11 years ago, I gave birth to a strong willed and independent little girl. It wasn't long before her father and I knew there was more to her than we anticipated. She refused to wear her hair up and screamed in dresses. Loved her trucks and at age 4, she told me she should have been born a boy. Her hair was cut at age 9 and it has never grown longer than her ears.

As years passed, she asked to shorten her name to just L. Of course we have done as she has asked. We have tried so hard to follow her lead. Letting her tell us, how we can meet her needs, how we should refer to her. We've always had an open and honest relationship and she has never held back from talking about her feelings.

I can't help but feel like I'm doing her a disservice though. Should I automatically refer to her as he/him and not make that change at her request? I hesitate to drive these conversations simply because I want her/him to be comfortable and completely true to the individual that she is.

This all being said, L is 11. There are changes within L's body going on that I want to make as easy as possible. Breasts are starting to grow and L does not want anything to do with them. But, L doesn't want to bind either. The thought of having to wear a bra or anything up there causes much frustration. We've talked about menstruating. Both breasts and periods cause many tears and L doesn't understand why these things will have to be endured. 

I want to help L. More than anything, I am L's biggest cheerleader and will give her anything she needs and wants to have a fulfilled life.

As those who have gone through this with either yourself or own child, what were the things you needed to hear most? Have done most? Do I push the conversations? Do we continue to follow her lead?

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-Heather


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Hi Heather,

It's great to hear that you are listening to your child, it is going to make their life a lot easier in later years and they will be forever grateful.

Have you thought about whether or not L would benefit from hormone blockers? At their age, it might be something worth looking into, especially since L seems to be having troubles with the effects of puberty, but not wanting to bind. Blockers can stop the female puberty from progressing, but still means that you can wait until a later age until they can really understand the concept of HRT.

As for the pronouns, I would say just ask! L seems to know what they want, so I'm sure there would be no harm in asking, just be aware of 'leading questions' and avoid those at best. If you're hesitant to use binary pronouns before having L request you use specific pronouns, you can always use they/them/their.

Heather,

First I want to thank you for being awesome. I can remember being the same age as your child when I first told my parents that I wasn't a girl. I did not have open minded parents, but it sounds like L won't have the same experience I did. For that, I'm very happy.

When my body started to change I was really confused. I threw tantrums, cried and ultimately rebelled in any way I could find.

For pronouns, ask L. Your child may take time to figure out how they want to be addressed and they may flip flop, but the most important thing is to be supportive, patient and caring.

I'm not sure where you live, but since puberty is starting is there a change you can speak with yours or L's doctor about hormone blockers? It can halt the changes and give you and L both peace of mind and time.  For binding, have you tried sports shirts? I know I wore them for many years. Since L is young and their body is still developing, restrictive binding can affect bone growth and organ development, but a sports shirt or something similar can hold down breasts, won't look odd and won't cause harm. Periods are more difficult. I was 9 or 10 when mine started and I was adamant that it did not happen to me because I was a boy. It took my mother a lot of time to get me to think of my bodily functions as something outside of my control. I thought that, through sheer tyranny of will, I could just not bleed. L will probably have an easier time of it since you are open and you have had talks about it in the past.

The most important thing is to keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like L is aware of something but at that age it can be hard to fully explain how we feel. Let L take the lead and don't push one way or another to put them into a binary box.

If you have questions, please ask. We have a lot of people here who are happy to help. Don't be shy about asking any of us, the ladies are delightful, the guys are laid back and our non binary siblings are fabulous. We also have a spouse and parent board. The ages are all over the place so we do have members who are parents, young teens and adults. A lot of folks here remember being L's age, for sure.

Hi Heather 

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Hugs

V M

Heather,
your son is extremely lucky to have you as parents. You should be commended not only for accepting the situation, but for spotting it so quickly. There are a lot of parents who don't notice there is something wrong and freak when they find out their child is a transgender.

This may seem like an obvious question, but with all the talking and communication, have you spoken to your son directly concerning his being a transgender? If I missed something in there, my apologies.

You might want to consider therapy for your child both to help him understand why his mind and body don't mesh. The therapist can also help him with some of the changes he will undergo and work through any prejudism he may run into. Even though you have a good line of communication, once a kid is well into their teens, there can be some problems with taking advice from parents. That isn't specific to transgenders. Many "regular" kids have problems with this.

If I were in your son's position, I think I would prefer my parents follow my lead. Mainly because the person going through the change knows what they are ready to handle. After that, support and help with starting the transitioning later on.

There are therapists that treat parents of transgenders. When I told my parents I was a transgender, my parents went to see one such specialist that my therapist found for them. They had to drive a couple of hours, but the therapist was able to give them information on how to deal with both their emotions and explain what was going on.

sam1234

Hi Heather, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Great parenting, I'm glad you found the site. There's some good reading in here that gives you both sides of this: https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

OMG you're one of the greatest person/parent in the world    Thank you for being so accepting, and welcome to the forum!

 Thank you all so much! I'm so grateful for all of your input.

L has frequent anger spells and tantrums, as was mentioned, I have always believed it came from a place of frustration with his body and I appreciate that being confirmed for me.

I have tried to broach the topic of gender with L. I have found that when I bring it up or begin the discussion, L becomes very embarrassed and shuts down. So, I look for possible ins to a discussion as often as possible.

Thank for your kind words. I don't think any parent expects to travel this path, but when I was pregnant, I always said I didn't care what they were as long as they were healthy. That doesn't just change for me. L is healthy. And the rest makes me love him more. Much kudos goes to her classmates. I'm constantly heartbroken when I see the news and bullying stories. L has had nothing but support and love from her peers and teachers. It takes a village and ours is so full of love and acceptance. <3


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Heather,
Welcome to Susan's Family
So many topics to explore and posts to read or write.
Many article of news, wiki, links ,mine craft and chat
Safe passage on your path.
Je suis un être humain,
Hugs

Just as a thought, is.there any chance that maybe having an FtM person talk to L (with you there of course) would help alleviate any embarassment? I know when I was younger I was a bit embarrassed because I didn't know it as such a common occurrence, I didn't want to talk about it because I thought I was a once off weird kid, and my parents would just never understand.

Just a passing idea.

Hi Heather,

thank you so much for being supportive of L, you rock . It sounds like a difficult situation, especially since L seems to have difficulties voicing his needs (I'll go with male pronouns since L said he's a boy).

I too think therapy / counseling for him and you could be very helpful. Also puberty blockers could potentially safe him a lot of dysphoria, so try consulting a doctor about this.

I was just last week reading the "gender mom" blog where she writes about a playgroup for trans* and questioning or "gender-noncomforming" children. They invited some teens as trans-role models and that seemed to work really well. So depending on where you live, can you try to connect with other parents in a similar situation and show L that he's not alone?