hey, everyone. hopefully this is an okay place to post?

basically i'm not doing so well, lately. i was going to wait to transition and tell any of my family about this stuff until after i moved, but dysphoria has gotten pretty bad and i still have about six months or so living at home – provided that i actually find somewhere to live by then, otherwise it could be longer. i've done small things like cut the hair, bought a decent binder, the clothes, everything to try to make myself more comfortable with how things are now, it just doesn't seem to be helping me that much.

i guess what i'm trying to ask is, is it even possible to begin transitioning without being noticed that much? to take T and keep it relatively on the down low? the voice drop is what worries me the most: it seems like that would stand out a lot and be hard to explain away to people. how far do you think someone can take a physical transition without people starting to question?

sorry for rambling, it made a lot more sense in my head. i'd really appreciate any encouragement or advice you'd have to offer. i'm having a bad time coping and i'm not sure where else to go for something like this.

I'd say you could probably get away with being on T for 2 months before it becomes noticeable.

I think that really depends on how fast you experience changes and how nosy people around you tend to be.

I could probably get away with pretending I wasn't on hormones to my family at this point, even if I never get misgendered by strangers anymore.

Depending on your parents its very possible. Long before I told my parents I had started stealing my brother's underwear out of the dryer to wear, (its surprising how much better something little like that can make you feel), and started cutting my hair shorter and shorter. I would drive about a half hour to get a hair cut where I would pass as a guy and get my hair cut in a male style. By the time I said anything to anyone, I was sporting a brush cut. No one said anything. I also made a pants filler with sewn material stuffed to the shape of a penis and testicles and safety pinned it to my briefs. (That one I didn't wear around my parents).

Once you have some confidence that you can pass, your mannerisms will follow without even trying. Things like the way you talk, walk and relate to others. I also changed my name to a form that could be male or female. After I transitioned, I changed it again to the masculine form. No one said anything about the first name change either.

So yes, you can start your transition before you formally begin with T or telling anyone. When you go places where you don't know anyone, pass, correct people if they call you by a feminine title (miss, young lady etc). They will be far more embarrassed than you will be. Go for it!

sam1234

The voice change is very difficult to hide. The best you can do is talk in a lower volume and you have a much better chance of people not noticing. I am also 100% stealth.  However, this doesn't really seem to work when talking on the phone that much.

If you think about it, you are just starting a late puberty. You might have started T when you were over 18 and therefor have had its benefits for a shorter time than a cis of the same age. Young cis males often have higher voices that get lower as they become more mature. For that matter, there are cis guys who will always have higher voices and some of us who will as well.

I've made mistakes in knowing the gender of the person on the end of the phone at work if I haven't met them. Some people have androgynous voices. Smoking tends to lower women's voices if they have been doing it for years. (I wouldn't recommend smoking as a way to get your voice to drop!).

sam1234

Hm, that's hard to say. It definitely does not happen all at once so you could hide it for a while. I can tell you that I have some family members who I have never once told I was on HRT...my grandma was really transphobic in the past and the topic always made her angry (when I came out or tried to discuss what was going to happen) so I just started them and never told her. Obviously she figured it out. But by that time she realized it was something that she could not control, that I was happier for it, and that just had to be this way. We've never said a word about it between us.

I am thinking about it this way too...the topic of transition will upset most people one way or the other. Whether you say "I'm going to start hormones" or "I have started hormones" the reaction is going to probably be the same. I found that when I told my family "I'm going to start hormones" they took it as "I'm asking for your permission and your opinion." Because I hadn't done it yet but was bringing it up with them. I'm trying to remember how that saying goes. "It's better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission." Lol.

I'm 6 months on T right now and still havent told my grandma. Saw her today in fact. She has no idea, or if she noticed, she hasn't said anything.

the voice drop is probably the only thing really but even that is gradual. my voice started to drop about 3 months on T but not to an "oh my god i sound like a man" right away kind of thing. it also depends on your dose. i was on a lower dose so my voice drop was more gradual than others i think. i transitioned completely stealth at school. no one knows i'm trans, my voice started to deepen during the summer and when i came back to school, TWO people out of everyone i know just mentioned how my voice was deeper. one i just shrugged it off and was like idk, that's weird? playing it stupid and the other was like oh maybe you hit puberty late, and went on to explain how her cousin or w/e didn't hit a growth spurt until 20 or w/e. that didn't bug me because idc really what people think and i'm still young enough (20s) to play that "late puberty" card.

The voice drop is usually gradual. It sounds maybe you have a cold or allergies, perhaps. But everyone's mileage varies.

--Jay

I think it depends somewhat on how often you see certain family members. My Dad I see regularly, so he would notice less changes overall than My Mom, who I haven't seen since Christmas. My Grandma would notice more change (and react strongly) because I only see her at family gatherings. It also depends on who you have told! Dad knows, so might be looking. Mom and Grandma might get confused! LOL

That two month estimate posted by DragonBeer might be enough time to come out to them. I plan on that myself, since my Mom especially will want concrete "proof". She's a nurse so is always more of a "what you see is what you get" type of person, and without being able to bind (which, funnily enough, I did do at Christmas and NO ONE noticed...), being on T will be a sure indicator for her.

You can disguise the voice drop as having a cold. I have some clients at work that I see weekly and for about 3 weeks after it started dropping, they'd ask if I was getting sick (always forgetting that they asked the same thing last week). I'd just nod and shrug. Now they don't ask.

People I see daily only notice it if my voice cracks.

Yeah, I'm trying this. I started T when I gave 90 days notice at my current job; I'm planning to start next job as male.  I haven't been subtle in my transition.  The change in my presentation was noticable even before hormones, and my voice dropped within a week of starting T.  My skin, hair, and face already look different. 

I know people have noticed, and I've gotten a few oblique inquiries.  People asking "so how's it going?" more often, and with more genuine interest, than would be usual.  A few folks have commented that I've lost weight-- I haven't, but I'm holding even, there's a bit more muscle, and my face has thinned out.  But folks at my office don't tend to be nosy, so nobody's really called me out on it.

I'm not sure how this is going to work.  My professional community is small enough that my current coworkers will know about my transition eventually.  There's no way for me to go stealth and vanish my old identity.  So, I'm really just trying to manage the timing so things don't get to awkward.  If I end up having to come out before I leave my current job, I'll deal with it.  But I'd really, really (really) prefer to avoid it.

I am thinking about it this way too...the topic of transition will upset most people one way or the other. Whether you say "I'm going to start hormones" or "I have started hormones" the reaction is going to probably be the same. I found that when I told my family "I'm going to start hormones" they took it as "I'm asking for your permission and your opinion." Because I hadn't done it yet but was bringing it up with them. I'm trying to remember how that saying goes. "It's better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission." Lol.
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Depending on age, telling your parents that you have seen a therapist and had a diagnosis of gender dysphoria may be helpful. If you are living at home and have graduated or are close to graduating high school, telling them after the fact may make them wonder what other secrets you are hiding from them.

sam1234