Hi, so for awhile now I've been wondering who am I and was just seeking opinions/advice while I continue to explore myself.

I'm an 18 year old boy and ever since I could remember I have considered myself "gay" (I'm submissive) and I watch gay porn often and masturbate to it as well. However, I've always wanted to dress like a girl/have long hair/have breasts, etc. Sometimes I feel like I should've been born a girl and it depresses the hell out of me (to the point where I contemplate the universe and suicide) when I think about it. I also have very feminine mannerisms when I'm comfortable with the people around me, however when I'm uncomfortable I try my best to act "butch". I don't really care for the fact that I have a penis, and I don't think a having a vagina would bother me.

I LOVE WOMEN'S CLOTHING, everything from frilly lolita dresses to sexy stockings to street wear. I find women much more beautiful than men but I'm only attracted (both sexually and romantically) to men.

It's hard to explain but if my life was a perfect I would have been a beautiful girl, living her life strong and independent. Drinking/clubbing with friends, cosplaying at conventions, flirting with guys for the fun of it, putting on makeup just for the sake of being pretty, etc.

If I was sure I was transgender I know I would be 99999% sure I would be willing to have a sex change, breast augmentation, voice surgery, facial feminization surgery, hair removal, take hormones, etc. I know if I was set on this I could easily work however hard I needed to for as long as I needed to, to afford all this. I know it won't all happen at once but I know I can make it all happen eventually if I chose to do so. I'm just REALLY SCARED in case I regret my decisions in the future.

Can I still become a girl if I enjoy gay porn? I love boys and masculinity and so on and so forth but I don't really watch straight porn. I can only think of girls as friends so I know I'm gay.

I JUST WISH I WAS A GIRL. But is wishing enough?

Help me please, I'm so desperate to find some answers.

Hi Ari.  Welcome to Susan's.

The only person who can tell you  who you are is you. Sometimes it helps to have someone guide you with questions and suggestions. If possible, try to talk to therapist who understand gender related topics.

And yes, you can still be a girl and love gay porn.

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Ari,

I agree with LordKAT, a gender therapist can help guide you and help you answer your gender questions and what you need to do.

Take a deep breath. You are exploring your options and yourself. That is normal. Yes you could be a girl and still like gay porn. These are two seperate issues. Being a transgender is about gender, not sex. Its feeling like you are a different gender than your body is. With that goes a life style, different interests, clothing, liking what the gender you identify with's body changes etc.

Whether you choose to be intimate with males or females is your sexual orientation. There are transgenders who are also gay or lesbian.

I do agree with the others that counseling would be a good idea. Some things can be reversed, but many can't. It would be pretty bad to lose your penis and testicles and then change your mind. A therapist can guide you through the process of finding out who you are without being emotionally involved. The sooner you do that, the better off you will be.

sam1234

Thank you very much everyone who has replied so far!

I know heterosexual ciswomen who go all googly-eyed and drooly over gay porn. Dated one back in high school. Nothing wrong with it at all. Might make some men a little uncomfortable, but who needs that anyways, amirite? Just be yourself, hun.

I suspect that more people have fetishes or fantasies that would be considered abnormal in society then would admit it. Your likes or dislikes are your own and your business to share or keep private.

sam1234

Hi Ari,

Welcome to Susan's!
As others have already said, gender identity and sexuality are two totally different things, and then there are fetishes and fantasies that each one has which may be totally unrelated to sexual orientation.
Also as others said, a gender therapist can help you figure out how to answer the questions that you have. Do keep in mind though, that the answers will eventually have to come from you.

Quote from: Ari on March 07, 2015, 06:22:22 PM
I JUST WISH I WAS A GIRL. But is wishing enough?

e.g. only you can answer something like this. It may sound unconvincing that a gender therapist, psychiatrist or anyone else can only help you in your process of understanding yourself, perhaps rule out other conditions that may be driving your gender questioning, but eventually, no one else can really 'diagnose' you except yourself. You have to decide how strong this 'wishing' is and what you are willing to do, how much you are willing to sacrifice etc in order to fulfill your wish.

Take care
Cindy

Really just going to echo what everyone else has said:

Only you can say who you truly are.
What you watch and who you are are not one and the same.

But, and this is just my opinion, gender therapy will help you figure out more deeply, it sounds to me like you have a pretty good idea of who you are and just need to put a few things in the correct slots to solidify your worldview.

Welcome to Susan's and Best of luck!

Quote from: Ari on March 07, 2015, 06:22:22 PM
If I was sure I was transgender I know I would be 99999% sure I would be willing to have a sex change, breast augmentation, voice surgery, facial feminization surgery, hair removal, take hormones, etc.

To me, the fact that you're even considering going through all this says A LOT about whether you are trans.

Quote from: Ari on March 07, 2015, 06:22:22 PM
Can I still become a girl if I enjoy gay porn? I love boys and masculinity and so on and so forth but I don't really watch straight porn. I can only think of girls as friends so I know I'm gay.

There are NO REQUIREMENTS other than those you set. Sexual interest has nothing to do with being trans. You can become a girl if you want to, regardless of what you enjoy.

Quote from: Ari on March 07, 2015, 06:22:22 PMI JUST WISH I WAS A GIRL. But is wishing enough?

It was for me.

I've been living full time as a woman for a year and a half and have completed my SRS. I don't regret any of it.