Ok so I'm 43 married for 18 years with 3 boys. Same story as most, CD sence I was 10, struggling my whole live, couldn't take it
anymore, came out to my wife about 5 months ago, started seeing a therapist. Wife not really happy about it but hasn't left me...yet. So my therapist says I'm a classic transgender person. And thinks my transition from MTF is inevitable. And I think she is right, I want it more than anything, well almost. I do not want to destroy my family.
  It's hard times now between my wife and I, I think she is expecting me to transition. She seems so mad at me all the time now but she still loves me. I just feel so alone she will not talk to me about my issues. Do I stay unhappy and make my family happy or do I make myself happy and family unhappy.

Quote from: Krista? on March 06, 2015, 09:35:01 PM
Do I stay unhappy and make my family happy or do I make myself happy and family unhappy.

Krista, I do think that if you aren't happy, you can't expect to make others happy, at least not for long. Something has to give.

So setting aside your own happiness might actually backfire, and instead make everyone in your family miserable.

Also, at the beginning, there can be a lot of self-imposed pressure to just make something happen. Since you have a family, taking it slow may be a better option. Have you considered making some small changes that help you feel like you aren't stuck?

Also, is your wife attending any therapy sessions with you?

I think you are 100% correct, but Im just afraid to tell my wife I want to transition and be the women I feel I am. My therapist has mentioned that my wife attend a session with us. but I haven't invited her yet(I'm scared to). I have made small changes like I wear women's jeans, panties, and socks all the time now, she has given me some of her old clothes. I was shaving my legs but she asked me to stop shaving.

I have to agree with Eveline. Being unhappy will eventually seriously impact your family. By the sounds of it, your wife is already part way along the path. Patience and honesty important when you get to the point of the 'discussion'.

Hi Krista,

I know your pain very well.

I am choosing to transition fully slowly. It is difficult to not do it quickly. The closer you become and the more accepting of who you are the more difficult it is. The more I change the more the feeling I suppressed become inescapable.

I was told this by friend at work. She said, " Play the cards you are given" and "you will not be happy until you are yourself". She gave excellent advise.

Change is difficult. Reassure your wife you love her.  If you decide to transition then it is your transition the way you want it and the speed and extent it makes you happy.

Fear, I know it well. It can make you run away or run through, your choice.

Hugs Cynthia

Im almost in the same boat as well. i told my girlfriend i was trans after being together 11 months and living together after my marriage failed after i decided to transition after my military service. There really isnt a way to do this without hurting anyone it seems. pretty much my gf told me we could compromise and i could dress up a bit and shave and all sorts of other temporary things as long as she never has to see any of it. She claims to love me but inly the me she's willing to see and be with. Some things do have to give. But when it comes down to it if you wanna transition you have to be willing to give up and lose everything.... its crazy though because i k ow this and im still paralyzed to actually fully come out or tell her im going to transition no matter what. I just cant stand to hurt people especially loved ones :/

I usually resort to asking this one all important question:
Which Pain is Worse?

Transition is never "Inevitable". Each of us develop ways to manage the GD. Sure there are similarities. Not Rules or How-To Guides. Gender is just one aspect of how we see or define ourselves. Not the only thing and for all not the most important thing. We have careers, SO's, family, friends, etc. that are also important. Some perhaps more so. Life and living is a matter of balancing and prioritizing competing needs and desires. What you need to do today to achieve that balance stands a good chance of changing in the future.

I struggle with this every day. For a good five years now I've been doing something about being trans, rather then the previous 40 of not handling it. Those 40 years demonstrated one thing for sure; I know what does not work. So, like George in Sienfeld, I resorted to trying Opposite John. I pushed the envelope. Took very well measured Baby Steps to leave my comfort zone. Things got better.

My wife sees my transition to full-time as inevitable. Not a stretch since I told her I know without a doubt I need to do some sort of part-time transition, which temporarily needed to get put on the back burner a couple of years ago. What bothers her even more she also sees the Ultimate Betrayal ahead when I leave her. Something I swore would never happen, still don't see it ever happening. Yet, I also said 30 years ago all that transitioning stuff wasn't for me. I am just a CD, etc.. And betrayal is her Achilles Heel and something that had happen to her time and time again in her life.

Sure, my mind often wonders. Just what would happen if I came out at work? Sure there is "The Law" and then there is simply if they want you out, you're out. As that the witches line in "The Wizzard of Oz" goes, "These things need to be handled delicately". In other words where would this almost 60 y/o trans person be applying for a job? I also have heard many times "I did not marry a woman". Lately add in "You are no longer a sex object". Yep, the breasts do bother her, a lot. Especially knowing exactly how I feel about them and FINALLY feeling happy being in my own skin. So of course she is thinking add in more like surgeries and "Getting my nuts whacked off".

So transition can mean, No Job, No Wife, Financial Crises, Family?. Not transitioning TODAY means Not Being 100% Genuine, only 90% or so vs the 50% genuine the loss of all the above will mean. "Which Pain is Worse?" is easy for me to answer today. Today I also feel blessed in that I am not a member of the Transition or Die club as many are, including all(?) of the new members of my support group that came after me. I envy them for being able to dare to transition. A few months back one of these said I am her hero. I have not hit that wall. Glanced it a few times as that is the better option vs the stretch of interstate I have picked out for a flaming car wreck, assuming there are pieces big enough left to burn. Not transitioning Tomorrow may very well be a different scenario. It all depends on which pain is worse

So I told the wife I wanted to start HRT, she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, then at bed time she gives me her estrogen  (0.3mg premarin ).
Then today we got along great. When I see my therapist next I will get my letter and see a doctor to start HRT.

It's kind of sweet that she did that. Good luck with the HRT!

Hugs dear. This is a really difficult situation emotionally. Marital issues are hard even when one member of the couple is trans.

I'm going to give you the unvarnished truth. I hope this isn't too harsh, but it is truth I had to get used to:

* There is no way you can control how your wife feels or what she does. You can only control what you do. I found that honesty was best - telling her what's going on with me and letting her decide how she will react to it.
* Expect your wife to be supportive, angry, uncomfortable, comfortable, and totally fed up at different times in the process. Again, this is not under your control, and I recommend not trying to control it, but realize that her attitudes and feelings may change and change back multiple times.
* Your marriage may last. It may not. Many marriages end. Many survive. Please be prepared emotionally, financially, and legally for either outcome.
* In my opinion, someone who truly loves me would never dream of asking me to live my life dishonestly just for her. That's just me. Other people feel differently. You need to decide how you feel about this.

Good luck Krista and keep posting. A lot of us have been through this with varying outcomes. Please feel free to come to us for support and answers.

My wife and I have gotten along great these last few days. I think she has excepted me wanting to become a women. I have been wearing womens intimates for about 5 months now as long as she didn't see them, but now she told me I do not have to hide them anymore. I also have been taking the premarin she has given me (3 days now). I rescheduled my therapist appt for next week so I can get my letter for HRT. I am pretty exited and happier than I have been in a while. I can not wait to see where this path takes me. Thank you for all of you're replies and I will keep posting with updates and maybe pictures of my progression.

I go to see my therapist tomorrow for my letter.
I have to find out if hrt is right for my. I feel that it is. These are scary times and exiting times.

I got my letter now I need to find an endo in my area, it's not as easy as I thought. Anyone now of any in the CO Springs area.