Some shots of me are quite nice, especially younger shots where I'm more androgynous in appearance OR some band photography where I'm wearing make up and working w/ a pro photographer who helped me curb my natural awkwardness in front of the camera....

Most however, particularly those that feature ANY traces of facial hair (the low point, I even had a goatee - don't ask, long story, but I can assure you those were DARK days) I want to cleanse from the earth forever.... And maybe get one of those cool brain wiping things from the Men in Black movies to ensure that no-one remembers that it happened!

I'm still not really all that happy w/ how I look yet, but I'm definitely trending in the right direction!

I don't have any any old pictures of me right now; they are all being held hostage by my ex wife. If she doesn't produce them soon I'll have to remind her of the conditions that she and her lawyer set forth in our divorce agreement to give any and all stuff back to me that is mine 

There aren't that many pictures of me anyway, especially during the early years. My family wasn't a picture taking kind of family.

Of the few pictures I do know of I remember a long haired, sad, physically small and very femme looking boy that really did not fit into her world very well. I of course didn't figure out that I was actually a "her" until much, much later.

School pictures show a progression from a happy 4th grader to a sullen high school kid. Other than the official photo there are 3 random pictures of me in my high school annual, and all of them are depressing; I am in the background of all of them, sitting alone in the gym during various assemblies. I was clearly an outcast. The pictures themselves were of the popular kids and they happened to get me in the background of them.

If I had known who I was back then it would have been the perfect time to transition - I was built like an average woman in weight and height (110lbs, 5'7") and I had an extremely femme facial features until I was about 25. I had to endure years of people telling me I had a "baby face" which I now realize meant that people were seeing the soft features of a female face.

So to answer the question from the OP - seeing old pictures of me makes me mostly just sad for the missed opportunity, and sad and angry for the years of pain and alcohol abuse that I had to endure on my journey to authenticity.

It was 45 years wasted.

I've seen some pics where I can certainly see that girl within. Then I start thinking about how I wanted to grow out my hair. My parents said 'no' because they thought that I wanted to have long hair because I was listening to speed metal bands.  Swing and a miss! I hate seeing home videos of myself, though. That sucks the most. When I hear myself speaking on those things, I just shake my head and roll my eyes. My voice is so damn fake since I forced myself to speak in a lower register so I would sound more like a "guy". Ugh.......

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on January 11, 2015, 01:03:36 PM
I've seen some pics where I can certainly see that girl within. Then I start thinking about how I wanted to grow out my hair. My parents said 'no' because they thought that I wanted to have long hair because I was listening to speed metal bands. 

The funny thing is that that is EXACTLY why they let me do it! lol My mother is extremely liberal, so it didn't concern her either way, but I think that my father was relieved to see his delicate, little buttercup of a son show interest in something manly, even if he couldn't quite understand the appeal! lol

Quote from: Ally_B on January 11, 2015, 03:20:39 AM
Most however, particularly those that feature ANY traces of facial hair (the low point, I even had a goatee - don't ask, long story, but I can assure you those were DARK days)...

Ha! You just reminded me of a pic from some many years ago of me with goatee. Hahaha, OMG, no, just no.

Quote from: Ally_B on January 11, 2015, 01:34:59 PM
The funny thing is that that is EXACTLY why they let me do it! lol My mother is extremely liberal, so it didn't concern her either way, but I think that my father was relieved to see his delicate, little buttercup of a son show interest in something manly, even if he couldn't quite understand the appeal! lol

My parents weren't conservative, but they weren't exactly liberal. It was weird. They would tell me to "be myself". But every avenue of self expression I went down, they griped about it. It was such a headache. I remember my mom and I getting into all kinds of stupid arguments because she hated all of the metal bands that I was listening to. Then, she would pull out this old chestnut: "You've become such an angry person since you started listening to this stuff." No. I became angry because: 1. I was going through a puberty that I didn't want. 2. I hated myself for being in this body and 3. I was sick of constantly being called a "->-bleeped-<-", ridiculed and beaten up by my peers because they all thought that I was gay.

The only thing that made me happy was the fact that I could go home and be alone with my music. No. I don't want you to ask me how my day went. It was hell just like every other weekday. Then, I had to put up with my stupid drunk of a father that would gripe about the music. (But only when he was drunk. When he was sober, he didn't care.)

Music was pretty much the only thing that kept me sane. That was until I reached the age of 15 and the suicidal thoughts came back again, (age 10 was the first time) But, then at 15, I started to get into drugs to help chase off the suicidal thoughts.

Ya know...thinking about all that now. It reminds me of this:



There's a few lines in this that I remember from when I was 11 and listening to this for the first time and it actually made me think about things differently. (albeit briefly since the GID was wreaking havoc on my mind)

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on January 11, 2015, 04:17:29 PM
No. I became angry because: 1. I was going through a puberty that I didn't want. 2. I hated myself for being in this body and 3. I was sick of constantly being called a "->-bleeped-<-", ridiculed and beaten up by my peers because they all thought that I was gay.

The only thing that made me happy was the fact that I could go home and be alone with my music. No. I don't want you ask me how my day went. It was hell just like every other weekday. Then, I had to put up with my stupid drunk of a father that would gripe about the music. (But only when he was drunk. When he was sober, he didn't care.)

Music was pretty much the only thing that kept me sane. That was until I reached the age of 15 and the suicidal thoughts came back again, (age 10 was the first time) But, then at 15, I started to get into drugs to help chase off the suicidal thoughts.

Damn, this is all too familiar.....

Like, I'm sure, most of us here,  puberty and watching yr body turn into something that you never wanted to be and never identified with was a horribly traumatic experience. Most of my friends were so excited when they started to sprout facial hair..... I didn't realise it at the time but I suffered from a dysphoric attack and grabbed my Dad's razors and tried to get rid of it as soon as it started becoming evident. Cut myself up as I didn't really know what the heck I was doing!

I was fortunate enough to avoid beatings for the most part, but that had more to do w/ the fact that I was a decently fast sprinter (thanks Dad) and I learned early that they get worried
about getting too close to you if you act completely crazy. They would still pick on me mercilessly, but a few fairly over the top displays at least made them think twice about touching me! lol

And yeah, I too spent most of high school as a self-loathing shut in, so most of those bands that I mentioned listening to in the other thread had a lot to do w/ helping me survive that period.

My father wouldn't gripe about the music so much because he wasn't around too much, but when he was he seemed to think that bullying me was a great idea and might "toughen me up".... Well, it actually caused our relationship to degenerate into a latent hostility that threatened to boil over whenever we were together.

I feel fortunate that we were able to build somewhat of a positive relationship as adults before he died last year. He was the kind of guy who didn't apologise to anyone for anything, but I could tell he was sorry for being such an ass to me while I was growing up.

My first suicidal thoughts came when I was 8, shortly after I had that first moment of "ummm.... Y'know, I was born in the wrong body"..... I won't go into it on this thread as I'm already way off topic, but uhhh.... Yeah..... Good times!

-------------------------

But back on topic, I must echo the observations people have made about seeing the sadness in themselves in old photos. My eyes almost never smile in those old photos. I never wanted to be photographed because I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to be that "thing" I saw in those photos or in the mirror.

It contrasts so starkly with recent photos of me. I've been so much happier since accepting myself for who I am and doing something about it. My eyes are the dead giveaway. My smiles are genuine these days!

I actually don't mind looking at my old photos (the ones I can find). Pre teen its like looking at a time capsule and trying to work out where I was when the photo was taken. As a teen I was able to grow my hair out and it would curl at the end, so apart from the full frontal where I'm directly in front I did look andro in most of them and they won't too painful to look at.  However most of them hold good memories even if I don't like how I look in them it is always nice to go back down memory lane occasionally

great topic!  I am also one of those that is not really troubled by my past and it is long enough that it is inescapable anyway.  I made peace with that and feel I am successfully incorporating my past life into my current reality.  It is one reason I kept my old first name as my middle name.  Pictures can be triggering but I did my best to cope with what I thought then was unchangeable.  I had what I now understand was dysphoria.  I had a lot of fun too and being trans did not dominate my thinking and my life as much as it does now:-)

Pictures can remind me of how hard I tried to be a man and how often I felt like an alienated failure.  I got to where I finally didn't really care about my looks at all- - not healthy stuff.  Pictures are worth a thousand words and although some are downright embarrassing I won't trash any of them.  They are likely more accurate than my memory

When I look at my old photos I see all the sadness and my strength as well as silence as I'm rarely seen in photos and am usually alone. The photos do remind me that I will always be able to slip away unnoticed if i need to and that I have a strong grasp on my emotions and spirit and can shield it very easily to continue growing and discovering myself.

When I look at photos of me prior to transition, first I laugh, then I gag.
Like a friend of mine said when I first came out in 2007:
You make a better looking woman than u do a man.
I've gotten rid of just about every photo of me...even baby pictures.

When I graduated highschool and entered uni, I burned all pictures from childhood and school years - I remember thinking that next stage of life is starting and there is no need to look back (now I know why I did so and it feels so strange knowing that many others did the same thing - it's the excuses which were different. I also know now why I always hated when people tried to take pictures of me).
When looking at recent pictures, the feeling is strange, because I know that this person is me, yet, we are very different. A part of him, including memories, will always live inside of me, but I cannot really remember or act the way it used be.
I also had very weird experience, when I met an old acquaintance a year ago and we ended with drinking coffee at his place and looking at very old pictures of our common activities (we were in the same Medieval reenactment group) - at one point I asked him, who is that guy next to You, standing sideways with vaguely familiar helmet. He glanced at me with a strange expression and replied: " Ummm... it's You...". Awkward silence .

Even though I haven't started hrt yet I have reached the point where seeing my current selfies feels good, I'm starting to recognize the person in them, and to like that person. That in a nutshell is how I feel about my old photos. I would see me and think "is that what I look like?" I never looked at myself much, it was too painful. If I saw a camera pointed at me, I would usually run the other way, so there aren't a lot of pics of me in general. If social pressure made it impossible to hide I would pull a face (scrunching and or bugging my eyes) and distort my image as best I could. Since getting a tablet I posted selfies but digitally distorted ones, only ever showing myself as a monster or alien of some kind.

My problem is that where I work, the press is always being called in to document the process of putting up the art. Somehow I end up getting my picture taken frequently. I have been in every Boston newspaper, repeatedly. My museum even does videos of some of the installs and I have featured prominently. Unbeknownst to me at the time. So I can't erase my past. I just hope the trend continues as I transition, that would make me feel good.

The rare photo where I am not making a face? I see a very sad and lonely person doing their best to keep going.

For me, it's like looking at a picture of an old friend who passed away...but I'm glad for him, because he's in a much better place.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 10, 2015, 08:05:04 AM
For me, it's like looking at a picture of an old friend who passed away...but I'm glad for him, because he's in a much better place.

I hope I can reach this someday.

Quote from: Kellam on March 10, 2015, 08:14:31 AM
I hope I can reach this someday.

Lately I've been reading a lot of "end of life" books (we have two family members who are getting up in age and down in health, so I just want to know something of the process, from their view and from the survivors)...

Anyway, something that often happens is the dying person is worried about how the others will do after s/he's passed on, so the death seems to be put on hold until the person gets to hear "they'll be OK, and it's alright if the person wants to go."

I found that to be true with my male self; he had to know that I had everything well in hand, and when he was ready, I let him go.

Hope this helps.

*hugs*

My thoughts as I look at old photographs of myself? Much the same as looking at new ones. Why can't I look like Selena Gomez, Mila Kunis............... Scottish oestrogen must be rubbish!

I love some of my old photos because of the people and places in them, but seeing my male presentation in them also makes me sad.

So I was thinking, "I wonder what the photos would look like if I presented as a girl then?". Then I got this idea to have a virtual FFS artist actually feminize me in them.

I am ridiculously excited about this idea. If the results are good, I'll post the befores and afters. Umm, assuming anyone else likes this idea. Maybe its too weird. Thoughts?

It used to be hard to look at photos of myself as a child. I would look and think, "Is that little girl really me?" I felt upset for not realizing sooner, for allowing myself to wear dresses and girl's clothes. Now it is not so bad. I think that child is cute. I am hesitant to refer to myself as a 'girl' but I was back then. I did not know what transgender meant. As a child I viewed boys and girls as the same. It was not until puberty when the difference became clear and the feelings of being transgender started. I spent my childhood as a girl and that will always be part of my life. I can appreciate that now.

Quote from: Lori on May 30, 2008, 05:09:54 PM
I get really sad when I look at pictures from my teens and twenties... becuase I see someone that could have
easily passed without even trying. Hormones would have been overkill ... lol... I was very feminine looking.

... now I look at the pictures and think that I really really wasted my life. And all of you have seen what years of T has done... and that just reinforces those feelings.

Amanda


Geez I could have written that same thing. I have almost no pictures but I remember being 21 and not having to shave, being 137 lbs, and not looking anything like a boy. I feel so stupid at times. Always told how pretty my eyes and hair were, how thin I was, how girlfriends would have me model clothes for them so they could take them in or whatever...I just wanted to fit in. If I knew then what I know now.

Aaaaaand ditto. I use to get complimented in the same way about the same things (especially hair and looking "pretty"). But I didn't connect my inner trans and external public lives until way into adulthood. Until that time I just tried to fit in, which has also taken its toll. So when I look back at pics of myself, I think how easy it would've been to transition. I try not to be too hard on myself as I know I was a different person back then, the Internet didn't exist and gaining knowledge about such things was pretty much down to luck, maybe who you mixed with. It still stings to think about the life I missed out on.