I used the search and tags to try and find something recent about this, but the last mention of something like this was in 2009 and there wasn't really a whole lot of help.

I consider myself to be either Bisexual or Pansexual (to be honest, it depends on who I'm talking to. A lot of people don't actually know the term Pansexual, so I find it easier to use Bisexual) and I lean slightly more towards men.

My worry is that there's been quite a lot of negative feedback from Cis Gay men in regards to dating transmen (recently a friend of mine was badly beaten in Soho for apparently trying to "trap" a Cis Gay man) and that I will be unable to date. I have been told to stick to dating transmen, but you can't exactly control who you're attracted to. (And you don't generally ask someone if they're Cis or Trans.)

This is horribly rambly and I apologise for that. I guess what I'm asking is for other Gay/Bi/Pan transmen to perhaps tell me their experiences and maybe get some reassurance that I'm not going to be outcast (or worse, hurt) if I try to date Cis men.

Dating is going to suck in general. It's one of those things you sorta accept. There are gay and bisexual cis men that get it but they're rare.

I'm more or less gay, and it bothers me a bit. But I've read some online discussions and surveys of cis gay men, and a fair amount of them have said they would date a trans man if he was on T; even more so if he'd had some surgery done.

I'm gay as well, but I can't give you any experiences. I had removed myself from the dating pool until I started transitioning. Now that i'm two years into transition I have no idea how to go about dating. I would love to date transmen, but there aren't many of us, and the few that are, are usually not gay. Cis men scare me for the exact reason you mentioned. They may react very strongly. My brother is cis and gay and very open minded. But when I asked him if he would date a transguy, even he had to pause and couldn't give me an answer. So if he, of all people, is already in doubt, others will be for sure too. I'm not sure I wish to set myself up for failure and hurt like that.

Wish I could tell you something more positive. I'm sure there are men around here who have good experiences to share.

I'm a gay guy too, but currently married to a straight cis man (that's the worst scenario really ). I totally can't imagine how it will be should I decide to start dating again after my husband and I separate (this seems inevitable).

Being pre-transition and pre-separation  dating isn't on the top of my list right now, but I think it could be a source of quite some disappointment. This worries me, but then I think I'll solve that problem when I get there.

I'm sorry I can't share any experiences at this point.

I am wondering if gay cis-men in general will even accept a transman romantically when it shouldn't matter what they dont have between their legs.

Maybe I'm an anomaly, but I never really had problems finding gay identified guys willing to date me, even pre-T and pre-transition (or at least pre-coming out). I had two long term (6 mos+) relationships with gay ID'd guys before I was on T, and I was also pre-T when I met my now-husband. Sure, it's usually a new experience for them, but once you navigate through intimacy, everything else is like dating any other guy.  None of them ever had any issues with sex, they weren't grossed out by my parts or anything. Dating me didn't cause any of them to question their sexuality, and AFAIK none of them have ever slept with any women. I did go on a few dates with a guy who decided not to take things further because of my trans status, but usually you'll be able to feel that out before you get too serious. I don't know if you're into online dating, but I met all of my partners that way. I had good experiences on OKCupid, but have heard others haven't, so YMMV. All in all, I am definitely a gay guy who has been with another gay guy for going on 4 years, and we've been married since last August. So don't give up hope that it's not possible! It surely is! Good luck to you 

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post.

I have been out of the dating game for just over six years now because of my trans status and the fact I am pre-T. I have found myself too afraid of cis people's reactions (both male and female - but I am more afraid of a violent outburst from males - which I know is terribly sexist of me, but I think it's something that's hardwired at this point) to me and my parts.

Konnor: Your experiences have given me some hope, so thank you for that. If it is not too rude a question, may I ask how you approached explaining your trans status when dating?

I've posted little blurbs and pics of myself on a few trans dating blogs. That got me a ton of responses.

I don't really like labels, but I've dated other FTMs. My current partner is FTM. It's nice because he gets it, and he's further along in his transition than I am, so he already knows all of the things I need to get taken care of. And sexually, he gets it. It's just cool all around. We met on Tumblr, and he knew that I was trans when he messaged me.

I've also been approached by multiple gay cisgender men who I am 100% not interested in. So they do exist! Maybe it just depends on where you are?

I'm actually having a fairly positive experience on OKCupid, although I'm kind of picky so finding a mutual attraction is difficult. I know this doesn't exactly help, but I just started talking to a very nice qenderqueer person up in Seattle, biologically male, not that it matters. They're poly and pan but that doesn't really bother me, in fact having multiple lovers/partners might take some of the strain out of being a 6-hour's train ride away.

Bottom line, I guess, is OKCupid might be a cool idea if you want to be transparent with your trans status and just lightly mention it in your profile intro, so interested people are without question comfortable with your identity.

Quote from: AndrewB
Bottom line, I guess, is OKCupid might be a cool idea if you want to be transparent with your trans status and just lightly mention it in your profile intro, so interested people are without question comfortable with your identity.

There's now the option on OKCupid to label yourself as a trans man, too.

PANSEXUAL IN THE HOUUUUUSE!!!!






I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now, i was with her before i even knew i was trans, and shes been the most supportive person in my transition, although at this point thats pretty much over until we can get my mental health problems under control, because i could never pass the exams for hormones, even if my  guardian would let me. Well that and the fact that i'm starting to accept that i may never be able to get on hormones because of my thyroid disorder. But i'm getting off track. I do not really have adequate dating experience, as ive been with my gf the whole time, and i'm pretty young to even know much about the dating game, but i figured i would announce my wonderful unique pansexxyness on here to make sure all the other pans knew they weren't alone

Quote from: Nygeel on March 10, 2015, 12:56:39 PM
There's now the option on OKCupid to label yourself as a trans man, too.

Yep! It says it's not available for all people, but you can also label yourself as sexualities other than straight, gay, or bi -- things I'd never even heard of before, like homoflexible, demisexual, etc., but knew were a thing without having a name for them. Go OKCupid!

Well, here's my highly anecdotal and largely irrelevant personal experience as a (mostly) cis guy, fwiw. I have always been accepting but yet had a dismissive attitude as far as dating for quite a while. I got inadvertently educated and then it just seemed a matter of time before my attitude changed. It was seeing trans men on YouTube and realizing I found many of them attractive and charming that started my education.

For me, if a guy passes (to me) and I find him attractive, then I would definitely date him and see how things go. I'm kind of out of the dating scene altogether for the large part so this is purely academic. I've just never been one to obsess about a person's genitals at all so that was never a big issue. I eventually saw some trans men naked and it remained a non-issue (only pictures). I won't lie that whether they've had top surgery matters more to me, but that falls under passing. I wish I didn't care at all but I'm stuck with my orientation and I'm strictly gay. Breasts just never have clicked for me.

Several of the guys I follow on YouTube have or had cis boyfriends. I think the broader public is still fairly ignorant about trans men but they're quickly getting educated, gay men included. As they learn, I think they'll quickly grow out of this phase and you'll find fewer and fewer gay men who automatically skip over trans men for dating.

Quote from: M->-bleeped-<-ie-Mind link=topic=184438.msg1639373#msg1639373 date=1426007652

Konnor: Your experiences have given me some hope, so thank you for that. If it is not too rude a question, may I ask how you approached explaining your trans status when dating?

Not rude at all! It approached it a few different ways, depending on where I was in the coming out process. My first long term bf, I was just finding out what trans was and thinking it might apply to me. I actually met him on MySpace with a male profile. I passed well enough, but came out to him as AFAB and questioning my gender after our second date. We talked it over and I ended up presenting as androgynous for much of that relationship.

Second long term relationship, he was a friend of a friend. He knew from the get go that I was trans. He didn't know anything about it, but we spent time together and let things progress naturally. Never had any issues.

My husband, I met on OKCupid. This was before they had the option of listing yourself as a transmale. I filled out my profile as a man seeking a man, and put a little blurb on it about being trans and please educate yourself if you planned to message me. He was pretty familiar with trans people so he knew what was up when he read that. He was nervous at first being intimate but we navigated through it and our sex life is pretty great now.

I also am a big advocate for online dating simply because it lets you take your time. We talked for almost two months before we met in person. By that time, we knew each other pretty well and he knew what to expect. He's been with me through my entire transition thus far- coming out to family, coming out at work, starting hormones, and now top surgery next week.

Don't give up hope. I promise there are lots of gay/bi/pan guys who are happy to be with trans guys. The right guy is going to see it as a bonus and not a bad thing. You'll find someone!! 

I did not know that OKCupid had that feature! It's certainly something that I shall look into. Thank you so much once again for all your help and comments.

Quote from: Konnor on March 10, 2015, 08:37:02 PM
The right guy is going to see it as a bonus and not a bad thing.

A lot of trans guys are turned off by guys who see it as a bonus.

Wooh, another pansexual man!

Honestly, I haven't found any issues with the gay community in person. I'd say the best bet if you're alright with talking about it, is if someone wants to start becoming intimate just be up front with them. Let them know you're trans, and have different plumbing.

This isn't an option for everyone, some people want to stay 100% in stealth, some prefer to never talk about it, some feel extreme dysphoria with their nether regions, and some simply don't want to have to explain to people what's going on down there. But for those who can do it, this might be your best bet. Some guys will respond and be very confused, some will be very interested, some will dismiss you immediately. It happens.

But for those who are curious or interested, you'll probably answer a couple questions, and then you can offer to keep going if they seem into it.
But don't feel bad, or get upset if someone turns you down because of it, or dismisses you. Remain calm, and even upbeat if you can. Let them know that's alright, and just go your separate ways.
You don't want to get upset or aggressive just because someone else has very strong preferences. It's THEIR deal, not yours.

But the end result for many gay men it seems, is that if you sound male, smell male, and look male, it wont change their experience one bit, so keep your chin up.

I'm pansexual myself too.
There is also the possibility of finding someone else who is pan/bi/poly. I knew a bisexual man dating someone who is genderfluid and it was sort of a win-win situation for him though slightly different situation from yours.

I'm married to a gay man and he doesn't have a problem with my medical challenges. If anything, he has taken my transition as an initiative to learn more about gender and cultural norms and to examine his own personal beliefs. We met a lot time ago, though, in high school. I have had a lot of gay men who knew about my trans status from my old Uni ask me out several times. They didn't have a problem with my physical short comings and only one of them was kind of a jerk about it. There's a lot of gay men who are perfectly willing and happy to date trans men. I'm from a small town but the gay community is actually pretty large and established. If you don't have much of a LGBT community where you are, the online options may be better. I have known a few trans women and trans men who are now happily married and they met their spouses online.