Hi all,

Feeling down, maybe bordering on a bit of depression (maybe not too). Finding myself questioning this whole process and everything that goes with it, maybe it's just an emotional roller coaster for me right now.

A month or so ago I was so happy. I had just gotten thru several months of therapy and received my referral letter to start HRT. I found the local gender clinic and a week later started low dose HRT regime. It's been about a month now and everything is good great.

My personal and professional life though aren't so good, they have me questioning everything about going thru this process and if it's worth it. I just don't know, and haven't had that same gung-ho feeling lately.

In my other posts, you may know I'm losing my wife who is unsupportive and un accepting to every degree possible. We are living. Separate lives in the same house and will divorcing soon. Haven't talked in months and our communication is thru short text messages.

My daughters (11 & 14) won't talk to me, don't want me in their lives, and are embarrassed by their "dad" changing genders. My oldest asked me a couple of months back to stop attending her soccer games. Then last month, we share a birthday on the same day, and she told me to not be a part of it and to not be home on the night of her party with friends.

Everything has just really had me thinking lately about is this all worth it. I know deep down it is, but it's so hard with the emotional toll and tearing apart of some of your closest loved ones. I find myself asking if it could wait a few years until my kids graduate high school, so I can at least be invited to attend their graduation ceremony and party. And then I ask myself about college and seeing them get married and walking them down the aisle, something dads are suppose to do. I also know I can't wait that long ..... Too many years to give myself up for. I've given myself up for 13-14 years now waiting, trying to keep everything together only to be watching it unravel before my eyes.

It hurts so much. I told my therapist that I was ready, that I could give up my wife and kids through all of this, but I just don't know about the kids. They mean the world to me in everyday possible. My mom tells me that the kids will come around as they get older, that understanding of others is taught through school and that they'll learn about gender variances. Maybe they will to all of that, but it doesn't make it ny easier.

I really need to get back in soon and see my therapist again. It's been almost 5 weeks, some circumstances have played into that, she changed places of permanent employment, which is good for me as my therapy rate has decreased substantially, but it's been tough not having her shoulder there. I had an appointment last week, but an emergency came up. Hopefully we are rescheduling for this week, but know yet.

I really just need some support and kind words of encouragement right now. It's so tough and I'm am so tired of battling the internal person while pretending on the outside.

Pleas help!

I went through all those things, Jenni. ALL of them plus dealing with a religious cult. It was impossible for me to sort through all the variables. I did lose my marriage. I did lose my kids. I lost my entire family. It took a few years but now they are coming back to me. My kids are making an honest effort to actually learn to love me. My folks got good with it within just a few months. The couldn't accept it, but they still loved me. Leaving my church was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But here's the thing. Carefully consider your doubts and options. This isn't for everyone. But the drive to move ahead certainly is real. If you have that drive to push forward, you will eventually know for certain you are on the right course. Don't let others decide for you. Don't let them push you into something you aren't ready for. Take it at your own pace (for me, once I decided, I couldn't step up the pace fast enough.)

But, don't feel down. We all get that way. It's part of what happens when everyone around us keeps pushing us one way and we want to go the other. There are fabulous people here to help buoy you up. This site is well over a decade old and even though people have come and gone, it's spirit of love and friendship remains the same.

Chin up!
Cindi

Thanks Cindy for the kind words, they mean a lot!

It sounds like you've been through it all and have come out the other side. I am in the midst of it and it's just really hard at times. Some of it might be the emotions of the hormones kicking in, but some of it is just reality and life kicking me in the gut.

Family dynamics aren't fun and I only wish I had truly known before I got married what all this meant and would eventually lead too. I tried to tell myself months & years ago to never play the what-if games, and I'm really trying to look forward and and go thru the questioning hindsight. I wouldn't trade my kids ever and I really hope they do come back around someday, it just hard missing some of the most instrumental years of their lives.

Oh well, life will go on as I am a survivor and I choose life over the alternative. It will get better, it will get harder too. I just need some support right now.

There is no denying we put a lot on the line by going ahead with transition. Chances are we lose much but then need to weigh up if the gains are worth it. I'd say that is what you are experiencing at the moment. The lack of "gung ho", BTW, is probably the HRT starting to drop your testosterone which will have some effect on your general drive and behaviour. I'm sorry to hear about your family, while your wife sounds like a lost cause (although, never say never!) it is possible your daughters will come around once they grow up a bit so it's possible you might still share their life with them. Wishing you all the best!

Hugs, Jenni!  I read so much of my life in there.  I too have a 14 year old daughter.  She is struggling mightily with this.  I'm trying to give her space, but there's so much I want to tell her.  I decided to write her a letter explaining everything I want to tell her in person.

My therapist also recommend a support group called COLAGE.  It's for kids of gay parents, but they have a subgroup called Kids of Trans.  It's all online and they have tons of resources.

Only you know if this is the right path for you.  Your head may be ready to lose them, but your heart may never be ready.  No matter what happens, you will always be their dad. 

Good luck!  You are never alone in your journey.
Charlotte

Hugs Jenni, in part I can relate.  My son now in his 30's has a SO and a baby boy (I'm now a grandpa  ).  One big problem, I have only seen him twice, once at age 9 and high school graduation.  For this instance the details are not important, but I am now just doing the first steps to begin a relationship NOW I have the complication of telling him about my transition.
You have a lot on your plate, so I'll just say, you/your situation and just in general will hold a place in my heart, and I wish the the very best.  In my humble opinion though, you have to give 'yourself' the best, only then can you give it to others.   Dani

@Ms Grace .... Thank you so very much. I think your right in that the hormones maybe bogging down the system a little as the change begins to happen. I've also been extremely tired too late but some insomnia mixed in .... doesn't help that I have a part-time job on top of my full-time job, to help pay for some transitional expenses. At least the PT job is as my true self.

@ChiGirl .... Again thank you for your reply too! I hope your from the Chicago area with your pen name. I'm from Minneapolis and if you are, maybe someday we'll have to meet. I actually have been to the colage website and tried to give my daughters a copy of the "Kids of Trans" PDF document, but they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Like you, I don't want to force it either and push them further away. I'll just keep steadily trying and hoping that I'll get to eventually have a relationship with again one-day.

The head is ready, the body is changing or will be changing as the HRT does it's wonders, but the heart-aches for now. It will get better, just need some time.

Quote from: JenniR04 on March 09, 2015, 10:24:10 PM
@ChiGirl .... Again thank you for your reply too! I hope your from the Chicago area with your pen name. I'm from Minneapolis and if you are, maybe someday we'll have to meet.

Chicago?  Why do you ask?  [emoji13]  Born & raised.  I do love Minneapolis.  I have family up there that I never see, so maybe an excuse to go see them? 

Quote
I actually have been to the colage website and tried to give my daughters a copy of the "Kids of Trans" PDF document, but they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Like you, I don't want to force it either and push them further away. I'll just keep steadily trying and hoping that I'll get to eventually have a relationship with again one-day.

The head is ready, the body is changing or will be changing as the HRT does it's wonders, but the heart-aches for now. It will get better, just need some time.

Time.  That's what we all need.  I wish you the best of luck with your daughters and maybe someday your wife will come to understand at least a little.

Hugs!

Questioning is natural, Jenni. So is depression and stress during transition. You'd be a cold person indeed if you didn't experience some second thoughts or strong emotions while making this sort of change.

The estrangement of your daughters alone will really sting. It's awful, all the more so because it's not under your control. Returning to you will be done on their own time, and it's painful not knowing when that will happen. Best you can do is to keep the lines of communications open. Keep trying to talk to them, even while they shut you out, so they know you'll welcome talking. It might help if you tried to give them these facts:
* You didn't choose to be trans.
* Gender dysphoria makes one so miserable, that you would be good for very little if you couldn't transition.
* Being transgender doesn't go away if you ignore it. It often gets worse.
They may not know this, and if they accept these facts, it might make it easier for them to forgive you.

But as far as your transition, trying to be someone you're not destroys the soul. That's something just about anyone who has ever posted here will tell you. You will do no good for your daughters, yourself, or anyone else, if you are consumed by a battle to remain a man.

Hugs. I really hope this helps. You are strong enough to see this through. I promise.

Quote from: ChiGirl on March 09, 2015, 11:04:00 PM

Chicago?  Why do you ask?  [emoji13]  Born & raised.  I do love Minneapolis.  I have family up there that I never see, so maybe an excuse to go see them? 

I only ask because, like you have family up here, I also have some distant family in the Chicago area that I haven't seen in many, many years. I also quite a bit of family in the south-eastern portion of Wisconsin, primarily along the I-90 corridor, which I also don't get down to see often enough either.

I equally love the Chicago - the waterfront downtown, been to Wrigley field several times (pseudo Cubbies fan), love the pizza although I have to watch what I eat and pizza is one of those I tend to over-indulge in if I'm careful. Maybe one-day we'll have to meet and have a cup of coffee or dinner, and discuss the process of everything we go through.

I equally wish you the best with your wife and daughter, it's never easy or fun.

@ suzifrommd - thanks for the wonderful and kind words. They mean a lot to me.

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 10, 2015, 08:38:43 AM
Questioning is natural, Jenni. So is depression and stress during transition. You'd be a cold person indeed if you didn't experience some second thoughts or strong emotions while making this sort of change.

I am so trying to be authentic and real, and I am definitely not a cold person. If anything, I've been defined as being too caring with a big heart for others, and many times to forgiving when maybe I shouldn't have been. I'm sure it's lead to some of the pain and anguish I am feeling now, as I tend to think of others before myself. It's caused me delays and second guessing in transition for many years now.

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 10, 2015, 08:38:43 AM
The estrangement of your daughters alone will really sting. It's awful, all the more so because it's not under your control. Returning to you will be done on their own time, and it's painful not knowing when that will happen. Best you can do is to keep the lines of communications open. Keep trying to talk to them, even while they shut you out, so they know you'll welcome talking. It might help if you tried to give them these facts:
* You didn't choose to be trans.
* Gender dysphoria makes one so miserable, that you would be good for very little if you couldn't transition.
* Being transgender doesn't go away if you ignore it. It often gets worse.
They may not know this, and if they accept these facts, it might make it easier for them to forgive you.

As for this above, I've tried telling my daughters this, and they have listened and heard it, but the poisoning of my estranged spouse is keeping them from exploring there own decisions on my transition. She is feeding them with everything from her own de-ranged philosophies and feelings, to that of her extended family & friends who side with her, to the church & biblical perspectives. It's so hard to combat any of it without being able to sit down and talk to them for any length of time. Plus, they are kinda at the ages where they don't want to listen, much of it is out of their realm of understanding yet, and they are concerned about friends and their own images at school. I do sympathize in these regards and I just keep small talk open for now.

Thank you again!

Quote from: JenniR04 on March 10, 2015, 08:49:39 AM
I only ask because, like you have family up here, I also have some distant family in the Chicago area that I haven't seen in many, many years.

Maybe one-day we'll have to meet and have a cup of coffee or dinner, and discuss the process of everything we go through.

I equally wish you the best with your wife and daughter, it's never easy or fun.

I was actually being silly because the Chi in my nickname.  Doesn't always come across in writing.  In person, I'm a real hoot!

Thank you for your kind thoughts.  Good luck with your family as well.  HUGS!

Nearly six years ago I "came out" to myself, for real. Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning. I opted to stuff. I wasn't up to the task. During those six years I worked really really hard on my emotional health. Shed a TON of shame and guilt. Far from All. Still have plenty of both when it comes to my wife. SHe didn't sign on for this. TBH, nor did I. I thought I had it beat.   

I often wrestle with what, if any, step to take next. The answer to it usually involves looking back, and forward. For sure these past few years showed me I know What Does Not work. My greatest fear these days I'll "revert" back into that person. The other question I ask is What pain is worse?. In other words, what joy do I gain vs the potential pain? Not an easy one to answer.

Just keep in mind the answers, your decisions, are not irreversible. Sure, you cannot undo the past. However, you can Always change your mind. Not a full Do-Over but still OK. What you feel you need to do Today, is allowed to change. After all, live is all about change and learning.

Did you think 5 years ago you'll be asking this question? Much less being where you are today?

I would like to add that I kept in contact with my family over many years, often without any response at all. I would send birthday and Christmas cards, emails, and letters. They were all ignored. But my kids are coming back to me. They even call me occasionally. I maintained close contact with my ex for many years. I was her best friend until my book came out. She didn't read it but what she heard from someone else, she decided to cut out phone chats. It's sad really because in the last conversation we had, I promised to cut all the material from the book that she heard was objectionable. I did. It didn't make a difference. When my father passed away four years ago, I ran into her and told her that I had done what she had requested. We run into each other from time to time at my mother's place when I visit and she is cordial but I'm afraid that we will never be best friends again. To me, that hurts.

Cindi

Quote from: JoanneB on March 10, 2015, 10:13:02 PM
Nearly six years ago I "came out" to myself, for real. Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning. I opted to stuff. I wasn't up to the task. During those six years I worked really really hard on my emotional health. Shed a TON of shame and guilt. Far from All. Still have plenty of both when it comes to my wife. SHe didn't sign on for this. TBH, nor did I. I thought I had it beat.   

I often wrestle with what, if any, step to take next. The answer to it usually involves looking back, and forward. For sure these past few years showed me I know What Does Not work. My greatest fear these days I'll "revert" back into that person. The other question I ask is What pain is worse?. In other words, what joy do I gain vs the potential pain? Not an easy one to answer.

Just keep in mind the answers, your decisions, are not irreversible. Sure, you cannot undo the past. However, you can Always change your mind. Not a full Do-Over but still OK. What you feel you need to do Today, is allowed to change. After all, live is all about change and learning.

Did you think 5 years ago you'll be asking this question? Much less being where you are today?

I agree with so much of what was written here and it's create thoughts & questions on my own behalf. The part of your wife and her not signing up for this .... I've said that so many times over it's not even funny. Personally and emotional, my wife, has beat me up over he years thru her own hurt, anger and words that I'm sure it's abuse in some sort of way. I find it hard to blame her though. The part I do have issue with is her lack of even trying to understanding in the most minimalistic of ways. That really hurts me deep down. She's passed a lot of her hurt and frustration over to our daughters, who are also very negative toward the whole dad changing scenario.

I been through a lot of what-if's over the course of the past few weeks - both over the past, present and future to-be, and it's not been healthy mentally. I know I need to stop that game as it can be detrimental. I have talked through some of the issues with my mom who is one of my biggest supporters and it's helped. She is coming to se me this weekend from out-of-town, so hopefully it should gives us some good time together to talk. She's also coming to se my kids separately, as they don't want me with them, and she said she's going to try and talk to them.

I've also done parts of the whole "what do I gain" vs "what do I lose" scenario's ..... the hardest one I always come back too are the potential things I might lose out on with my daughters as they grow up. Things such as sports activities which I've always been a huge fan & coach of, school milestones as in high school graduations & college stuff, and the one weighing the most on me right now is a potential wedding in the future and not being asked to walk them down the aisle. There's plenty more, but these are some of the highlights.

I know I can always decide to stop and post-pone further HRT & coming out until my kids get older, but there again I start playing the what-ifs games again about having started early in life or what will I miss if I wait another 3-5-7-10 years from now. It's hard to see even being able to deal with the dysphoria if I don't proceed further along the journey than I am now.

It's just been tough and I do really appreciate everyone responses so far, as they've helped. I am just talking my through what's going on in my head right now.

On a brighter note, the HRT has had some effect already as my breasts/nipples are extremely tendered to being sore. Some positives to gleem from everything going on.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on March 11, 2015, 05:49:46 AM
I would like to add that I kept in contact with my family over many years, often without any response at all. I would send birthday and Christmas cards, emails, and letters. They were all ignored. But my kids are coming back to me. They even call me occasionally. I maintained close contact with my ex for many years. I was her best friend until my book came out. She didn't read it but what she heard from someone else, she decided to cut out phone chats. It's sad really because in the last conversation we had, I promised to cut all the material from the book that she heard was objectionable. I did. It didn't make a difference. When my father passed away four years ago, I ran into her and told her that I had done what she had requested. We run into each other from time to time at my mother's place when I visit and she is cordial but I'm afraid that we will never be best friends again. To me, that hurts.

Cindi

Cindi .... I am certainly doing this as much as possible with staying on contact with my daughters. It's so far fallen on mostly deaf ears, but hopefully it's showing them I Love Them and that I am still there for them whenever they choose to come back. My daughters are certainly the hardest part of all of this with their silence. I am praying that they'll come around someday. My wife on the other hand - at least at this time - is a lost cause as she doesn't want to understand anything about it.

Thanks for your kind words!

Quote from: JenniR04 on March 12, 2015, 01:27:58 PM
Cindi .... I am certainly doing this as much as possible with staying on contact with my daughters. It's so far fallen on mostly deaf ears, but hopefully it's showing them I Love Them and that I am still there for them whenever they choose to come back. My daughters are certainly the hardest part of all of this with their silence. I am praying that they'll come around someday. My wife on the other hand - at least at this time - is a lost cause as she doesn't want to understand anything about it.

Thanks for your kind words!

Keep up your contact with your kids. It may take many years. They may never come back. But at least you will have known that you tried to be a good parent. THAT is so important in my mind. I could not withstand the guilt for many years after leaving them. And certainly they wanted to layer that guilt. Someday, it may take decades, they may decide that they have missed too much of your life. Both of my children have said as much. It took 15 years for me. I never missed a birthday or Christmas with a personalized note. No matter how they felt, they knew that I loved them. So, keep it up. You have many worries to focus on. Concentrate on the things you must do. Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through.

Hugs,
Cindi

Hi Jennie,

My heart goes out to you.

I have a 17 year old daughter and she has known for 8 months. She is angry. She does not want me to attend her graduation or sporting events. I hope in time, she finds some acceptance in her heart. I understand your hurt.

You have done nothing wrong and are a good person. Your wife is angry and she is poisoning your children against you. I hope in time your children will reach out to you.