Quote from: Rudy King on March 10, 2015, 01:10:50 PM
I would suggest having an heart to heart then and talk to them about it.  I'm sure they weren't doing in spite.

My voice is gender ambiguous, and so at work I get called sir all the time, but in my street clothes, I'm a girl (unless I get sick).  I've learned not to give a s#!t.

All I can tell you is, you shouldn't just give up friends just because they misgender you, especially if they decided to stay with you in transition.

Nope. I dumped them like a used diaper... for pretty much the same reason. I can't trust them.

These aren't my only set of friends either. I have others who are also supportive (and who use the right pronouns!)

To explain further, one of them (their wives) is talking with my wife and my wife is gladly giving her the details of everything and confiding in one of them.

I mean, I get that she needs someone to talk to. I asked her to see a therapist many times over. She doesn't. Every excuse there is, especially money. I even offered to pay. I stopped asking her. She needs professional help to deal with this like I am getting.

But this is a huge liability for me now in terms of gossip. Quite simply I am not ready to be fully outed against my own will, and this can lead to it. I mean yes some people will know about me but not every little detail... I share a lot here but there is a lot I don't really share either, and I share it only at home. Now I have such distrust in everyone close to me even my wife and mom I am keeping things on the down low right now.

Quote from: ImagineKate on March 10, 2015, 01:19:46 PM
To explain further, one of them (their wives) is talking with my wife and my wife is gladly giving her the details of everything and confiding in one of them.

I mean, I get that she needs someone to talk to. I asked her to see a therapist many times over. She doesn't. Every excuse there is, especially money. I even offered to pay. I stopped asking her. She needs professional help to deal with this like I am getting.

But this is a huge liability for me now in terms of gossip. Quite simply I am not ready to be fully outed against my own will, and this can lead to it. I mean yes some people will know about me but not every little detail... I share a lot here but there is a lot I don't really share either, and I share it only at home. Now I have such distrust in everyone close to me even my wife and mom I am keeping things on the down low right now.

I know that feeling, my mom kept confiding in people without asking me and giving them details I probably wouldn't have allowed before I was out to everyone. It's terrifying, not knowing who knows what and what they think of it, even if they're supportive of whoever's giving them the 'in.' Like you, I was in the pickle of knowing that she needed someone else to talk to but didn't want/think she was in need of a therapist. I just asked her to keep it in for a little longer until I could come out, and she was respectful of that for the month or so it took me to come out completely. Have you asked her to limit her output to family and friends?

Big hugs, ImagineKate.

My transition made me realize a few things about people that I never had before:

Most people have ZERO experience with transgender people that are "out" and have no freaking clue what to do when they encounter one.  I'm pretty sure that most people's experiences are limited to COPS and Jerry Springer.

Some people will never pull their heads out of their butts. (If I ever invent the rectocranial extractor, I'll be sure to let you know.)

Life is far too precious and short to spend it with douchenozzles.   My transition announcement was what showed me what all the people in my life were REALLY made of.  I know who my friends truly are now and I know whom to avoid.

People's opinions of LGBT can/do evolve, so I'm glad now that I never burned a bridge.

If you're out to one person or they suspect something's up with you, don't assume they can/will keep it to themselves forever.   I seized control of the situation by making sure everyone knew on my terms before the rumor mill took over.  I just assume now that everyone that I ever knew in my life knows by now.  Let's face it, being trans is still some pretty juicy gossip.   Now there are people who only ever knew me as Jill who find out later through the rumor mill that I used to be a Greg.  Whatever.  I just assume everyone who doesn't know will eventually.  I don't exactly go around with a neon sign that says I'm trans, but I'm certainly not ashamed of it.  Suffice to say I'm really fun at parties.

More hugs,
Jill

Yep. My next step is to come completely out, even on social media where I've hid my trans-ness at her request. If she's telling people our business I think I'll just save her the trouble.

However I will have to come out at work as well because a number of my coworkers are on there too.

So I found out some things.

They told the kid about me beforehand, that I'm really "a boy in a dress" which is why she came up and asked if I'm a boy. That's even more disgusting. And I noticed the kid looked long and hard... They claim that the kids get confused and that they have two gay friends who are married and the kid was confused because two men were married. This is a 4 year old. My BS detector is going off. Sounds like her parents are teaching her to hate from a young age. I feel sorry for that poor kid.

Meanwhile? My kids are doing fine. They love me to pieces. Their mom says they're confused, but in reality they are not. They don't even ask why I'm wearing a dress, they just comment that I'm wearing one and even one of my daughters says it's pretty.

Anyway I should really put this behind me now.

Quote from: ImagineKate on March 11, 2015, 10:22:29 PM
So I found out some things.

They told the kid about me beforehand, that I'm really "a boy in a dress" which is why she came up and asked if I'm a boy.

That's a huge ass clue that they are not supportive. There is not need to tell a 4 your old (or anyone) that.

Quote
That's even more disgusting. And I noticed the kid looked long and hard...

If they had not said anything to the kid, the kid probably would have just seen you as a woman. Unfortunately this is where transphobia begins.

Quote
They claim that the kids get confused and that they have two gay friends who are married and the kid was confused because two men were married. This is a 4 year old. My BS detector is going off. Sounds like her parents are teaching her to hate from a young age. I feel sorry for that poor kid.

Hate or ignorance, either way I feel sorry for them too.

Quote
Meanwhile? My kids are doing fine. They love me to pieces. Their mom says they're confused, but in reality they are not. They don't even ask why I'm wearing a dress, they just comment that I'm wearing one and even one of my daughters says it's pretty.

Anyway I should really put this behind me now.

Kids are really great and are not judgemental (but don't have a filter). My wife's cousin has a daughter that was 4 the last time she met me in our house in NJ before I transitioned. When I saw her a month ago at my in-laws house in TN , her mom didn't say anything about it to let her child just be. She really didn't recognize me at all. She just says, wow, your a tall woman. As the evening goes on she recognized my wife and asked about one of our cats that she saw the last time she saw us at out house. After my wife explained that they had passed away, I joined the conversation and told her we now have two new cats. She looks at my wife and says where is the tall guy that was their and why isn't he with you. My wife pointed to me and said you mean her. Her response was "She's a girl!" My wife sats "Yes she is." Her next question was, "Can I see your kitties when I come back to NY?" That was it, and never questioned my gender. Just saw me as a tall girl.


I definitely say it's time to dissociate from those so called friends.

More like a flaming red neon sign if you asked me! One of them is genuinely supportive though along with his wife. (She wants to give me some shoes and other stuff in addition to using the name and pronounsa). I may still keep them as friends but it would be kinda awkward hanging out.

Quote from: ImagineKate on March 12, 2015, 01:40:30 PM
More like a flaming red neon sign if you asked me! One of them is genuinely supportive though along with his wife. (She wants to give me some shoes and other stuff in addition to using the name and pronounsa). I may still keep them as friends but it would be kinda awkward hanging out.

But there's free shoes involved

Quote from: Rotika on March 13, 2015, 08:47:36 AM
But there's free shoes involved

LMAO!

I was thinking the same thing. *sigh*

Quote from: ImagineKate on March 13, 2015, 08:48:41 AM
LMAO!

I was thinking the same thing. *sigh*

and THAT, my girl.. is the type of thinking that get us into trouble. Never pass up free shoes! I wish I could find my size. 12's in womens are hard to find.

Yeah I hear you. I am "lucky" that 9.5 or 10 fits me rather well. 9.5 is a bit tight but it works.

Spoke to another friend yesterday. One of my former friends who was there this last Saturday outed me to him. He also said that he couldn't stand to look at me. My other friend who he told says he accepts me though but I'm playing it cautiously. He was just a bit pissed that I didn't tell him sooner. But he sounds genuine. We will see. He hasn't slipped on pronouns or name yet. He was a bouncer in a bar and met a few trans people before.

It can be really hard to gauge the reason some friends are for or against our transition. Sure some are just bigots, there's no doubt this is a real opportunity for some people to show their true colours. But for others, are they being supportive because they're truly happy for us or just because they feel obliged to be (either due to their progressive leanings or because we're their friend). For the ones that are unhappy about it, is it because they are worried due to a poor understanding of what's involved, or they might feel embarrassed being seen with us, or are they afraid of losing the person they know (I had a couple express this to me) or because they have a "thing" for us and feel they could convice us otherwise (had a gay male friend like this). Or who knows? Back in 1990 I had a female friend try to talk me out of transition. She was adamant I was making the wrong decision. She still went along with me though, usually got the name and pronouns right. Then a year later she came out as lesbian. Interestingly, she has been very supportive of me this time around.

Hi Kate,

I am sorry this is happening to you, it must be very difficult.

It sounds like you are doing the right things. Containing the information, removing the unacceptable and preparing to come out at work. Coming out at work before your wife outs you there is important. If you control the message you control the content. You wife sounds hurt and may lash out at you through your professional contacts.

Your ex-friends (except the one couple) are better out of your life. Do not allow them any room in you head. They are gone.

I'm not that worried about work finding out as my manager and HR know and my industry (media) is very LGBT friendly.

In fact I'm not really worried about being outed at all and I'm confused why I stay closeted to a lot of people.

Come to think of it the only people who I'm staying closeted for is her and her family who we don't even talk to anymore... She asked that I don't come out on Facebook because she doesn't want her family to find out.

The reasons for not coming out at work are pretty stupid come to think of it.

The main reason is that I haven't changed my name and the reason THAT hasn't been done is because I'm going to Korea and I've already booked plane tickets under my old name.

But it's not so silly when you consider that I do a fair amount of my communication via email and IM and the last thing I want is people associating the female me with my birth name.

I don't think the company will change my name without a legal document.

Quote from: ImagineKate on March 14, 2015, 07:06:28 PM
I don't think the company will change my name without a legal document.

Very likely.

I avoided going to an interstate conference after I had transitioned at work because I hadn't gotten around to updating my credit card or frequent flyers card!! Sometimes it's just easier to avoid the complication of all that crap!