I'm MtF, trust me on that. Although my experience doesn't conform to the standard narrative – I never felt like a female, never wanted to play with girly toys, crossdress, etc. – my reactions to my transition have been exactly like other MtFs. I'm thrilled to see myself as a woman, thrilled to be seen by the world as a woman, and thrilled at every physical change that feminizes my body.

But I still "feel" like a man most of the time. This doesn't bother me, and my gender therapist is not concerns. How I live my life is more important than how I feel inside. I am assured that non-binary folks have just as much a right to transition.

Lately though, it's gotten kind of strange. I had SRS last summer so I now have a body that's female from top to bottom and it's strange weird still to be man. Like I'm a man in a woman's body. It's not unpleasant. Actually it's kind of fun, like the kid in the science fiction flick who finds an extra-terrestrial spacecraft and figures out what it can do. I've been given this female body and female life and it's an adventure, in a good way, to find out what all that means. I've started dating men since my surgery after spending the whole rest of my life as a straight male, and it's like I'm exploring a foreign country. I love it, don't want to go back, but it still feels really alien.

Can anyone else relate?

Not all girls are attracted to traditional female things. There are cis girls that are mechanics and interested in cars, motocross drivers, truck drivers etc.

Though we tend as people, to be gravitate to either being male or female, that doesn't mean there aren't shades of gray in there. The bottom line is that you are happy as you are. You're right. Life is an adventure and for all the stress and soul searching over who we are and whether we need to change our gender, in a way, we are lucky. We have had the opportunity to see both sides of the gender fence. Before we transitioned, be that by passing, HRT and surgery or a combination of both, we were essentially able to observe the other gender's world whether we partook in it or not. We also live in the gender we identify with and now see that world.

Is there a way you could explain what you mean by "I still feel like a man inside.)? That could be take a few ways. Just trying to understand.

sam1234

That is really interesting that you mention this. I have never been interested in girly things either. I just started hrt last week so it will be fun seeing all the feminizing changes. I wonder if maybe I am non binary as well? My therapist hasn't shown any concern either. I guess I will have to wait a few years to see if I can relate to your experience lol

I sometimes have conflicting feelings that "I'm not trans enough to be more feminine ", while also feeling "I wish I was more feminine." Honestly, knowing that you went through SRS while still feeling non-binary brought me a ton of relief and is very validating.

I can definitely relate. I've always liked girl things. But I've also enjoyed lots of men's stuff too. I had my own workshop and ran a business there. And I still get that old cringe feeling that I'm not real once in a while. I used to get that much more often but now, maybe once a year or so.

I've just learned to accept myself as "me" without limits or lines. Sometimes I don't think of myself as "female' but I can always accept myself as a woman. Does that make sense?

Cindi

What brought me to this thread lol?

I feel like a woman in a man's body at the moment. Its not pleasant.

Theres nothing masculine about me.

Im okay about my male genitals though.... its like okay, I just need to be a woman to the public. But I need to be view as a woman or feminine being psychologically.  Like just to have a man accept me as the girl in the relationship, and if I had a  more feminine face and body shape could be just enough.  I also need long hair and be feminine in general.

Ladyboy-like perhaps.

Its like just enough... for peace of mind.

Quote from: sam1234 on March 10, 2015, 02:28:47 PM
Is there a way you could explain what you mean by "I still feel like a man inside.)? That could be take a few ways. Just trying to understand.

My understanding of my gender is that I'm a man. If you shook me awake at 2AM and ask whether I was male or female, I'd say male. In my spacier moments, I wonder why all these straight guys are interested in me since I'm really man.

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 11, 2015, 08:26:54 AM
My understanding of my gender is that I'm a man. If you shook me awake at 2AM and ask whether I was male or female, I'd say male. In my spacier moments, I wonder why all these straight guys are interested in me since I'm really man.

Wow, I would say some totally different things (wont give any examples because of ToS). 
Still, I regard myself as human being first and the rest really just "depends on".

Suzi, this reminds me of the Genderbread Person approach to identifying the elements of trans selfhood.

Are you saying that for you, this is true?

Gender identity: mostly "man-ness"
Gender expression: feminine (completely)

Quote from: Eveline on March 11, 2015, 08:51:15 AM
Suzi, this reminds me of the Genderbread Person approach to identifying the elements of trans selfhood.

Are you saying that for you, this is true?

Gender identity: mostly "man-ness"
Gender expression: feminine (completely)

I think there's a third thing that the genderbread man hasn't yet caught up with: Internal gender wiring. What gender are you wired to want to be. For me that would be 100% female.

Wow, that's interesting. So would that split Gender Identity into something like "Perceived Gender Identity" (how you see yourself now) and "Desired Gender Identity" (how you are wired to want to be)?

Quote from: Eveline on March 11, 2015, 09:35:35 AM
Wow, that's interesting. So would that split Gender Identity into something like "Perceived Gender Identity" (how you see yourself now) and "Desired Gender Identity" (how you are wired to want to be)?

Yes. That's the way it feels to me.

I think a lot of people think the two are the same. That being transgender means you "feel like a woman" but are born to a male body. For me, I've never felt like a woman (though nowadays I do once in a while). The way it's felt like to me before and throughout my transition is that something in my brain *wants* me to be a woman while intellectually I still think of myself as a man.

This reminds me of the Imposter Syndrome, which I have long experienced and which apparently afflicts many successful people.

Quote from: WikipediaNotably, impostor syndrome is particularly common among high-achieving women.

So maybe there's a Gender Identity version of Imposter Syndrome?

Quote from: Eveline on March 11, 2015, 10:00:21 AM
This reminds me of the Imposter Syndrome, which I have long experienced and which apparently afflicts many successful people.

So maybe there's a Gender Identity version of Imposter Syndrome?

I never thought of it that way. For most of my transition, I felt like an impostor as a trans woman. It felt like I was pretending to be trans so that I'd be allowed to transition and get the female body I've always wanted. It's only in the past few months that I've reached some sort of certainty that I'm every bit as much an MtF as anyone on this forum.

High achieving. Hmm. If you're saying that spending the past 14 years teaching teenagers in the same classroom means I'm high achieving, well I'll take it!

Quote from: AnonymousThose who can, do; those who really can do, teach.

Yay for teachers!

yup, but good for you that you can be with a man

Suzi, I can relate to this. In less than 3 months here, I have gone through a couple of changes in how I identify myself, and I still can't get over the feeling of being an impostor here as well as among women even if I were to transition.

Part of it is probably because like you, I was neither interested in 'traditional' girly stuff since childhood nor did I question my gender so strongly until very recently. Even now the dysphoria (physical, mental, social) is troubling and sometimes depressing but not as severe as it seems to be for so many others.

Another part is because I know I can never be a 'complete' woman (sorry but couldn't think of a better term), i.e. once you strip away all the stereotypes and even all the physical stuff that can be changed, what remains as the essential difference between men and women is the reproductive system, which (at least at present) cannot be fully changed. I know it's inappropriate to say because there are cis men and women who partially or fully lack it and they are no less of the gender they identify with, but still, it feels like a block which can't be overcome in fully accepting myself, let alone acceptance by others.
I think there are also skeletal and brain-level differences which cannot be changed but it seems our brains are anyway wired more to the side of female or wanting to be female as you said.

Yet another part is because I wonder whether I will miss some things or not like some new things if I were to transition. Will I be forced to change jobs, maybe my entire career path? Will I be forced to leave my wife? How will I react to male attention, chivalry, chauvinism, prejudice etc?
I have a certain way of looking at each of these right now but I am not sure if it will remain unchanged through transition, and if it changes, which one of that would really be me?

Do I relate? Very much so, of course, on the "opposite side of the fence" (if that applies, which it probably doesn't). I like being seen in the world as male and related to as male, but mostly I see myself as very much in between, and sometimes I think I say or do something so "girly". And I don't actually mind this either. I lead a very trans existence that is very much in the middle of genders.

I don't entirely relate as I don't see myself really as a woman at all. But more in the middle, but having aspects of both.

For the record, I've partially medically transitioned. I have had top surgery but not lower, may not ever have lower. I'm sort of comfortable in that thing of thinking, "I can do whatever I feel like because I'm trans". I don't necessarily dislike penetration, say, because I can just do what I want to.


--Jay

Suzi,  No GF I cannot relate. I've always been a girl or female since as long as I can remember. My body still has some wrong parts on it however I'm all woman. Good luck to you. That must feel so strange.

 Dear Suzi,

What a spectrum we are. I struggle, occasionally, to think what it must have been to be a man. I rarely think of it to be honest. That whole life has gone.