Honestly this last week has been a buttload of stress.
I move back in with my mom, who I had just come out to
she's really upset about the whole concept of being transgendered, insists on using my birth name, wrong pronouns, and will constantly remind me that I'm a girl, will always be a girl, and can never be a man because that's not what I am.
And then something which confuses me even more, is she knows I'm pansexual and I'm interested in this other pan guy I've known for years (And had a crush on since school.) whos also interested in me
and she's dead convinced that this means he's gay (Which confuses me because she wont acknowledge me as male up until the point at which she can then call me gay.) but moreso than just being gay, he MUST have some kind of STD/STI. The first goddamn thing she brings up is "OH aren't you worried he'll have the AIDS??"
no mom. no i'm not, because I have every intention of practicing safe sex.
This isn't the 80s mom.
And then she of course brings up the fact that now I'm 100% gay in the most insulting fashions whenever she speaks about my relationships
Because in her eyes, however she looks at it I am always going to be engaged in a homosexual relationship now.
Either I'm male, and I'm with a male, or I used to be female (And must still be according to her logic) and I'm with a female. There's no quarter to be given to the fact that I'm one or the other, no it's of course whichever is most convenient at the time to make me out to be the absolute worst thing in the eyes of a conservative christian.
Meanwhile I'm stressed to all hell because I'm trying to find a fulltime job, so I can start getting some kind of paycheck. This house is in major disrepair and needs some SERIOUS TLC in order to get it into good order, and my mom wont be able to pay any of it
the pipes in the basement have burst, so flooding is a serious risk
the water heater is corroding and unable to be used so there's no hot water
there's two major weight bearing beams in the attic that are SATURATED with water, to the point where I'm dead convinced it's only a matter of time before the rot sets in, and the beams break
There's a dozen electrical problems throughout the house
all of the windows are single pane, with poor seals so the 30-40 degree air leaks in like nobody's business (Hell, I'm sitting in front of a window right now with a 33 degree wind blowing right on my neck. >:| )
And more things to be listed but im freakin tired and it's 6 AM
So with all of those costly repairs resting squarely on my shoulders, I also have to look at starting to see a counselor I've been emailing soon. Because not only for my transition, but for my own peace of mind because this is a crapfest
Plus my transition has to fit SOMEWHERE
I already put it off over a year after I was ready to come out to everyone because my ex husband was an abusive piece of ->-bleeped-<- who would have probably tried to beat it out of me.
Then you have the fact that I'm working on getting a divorce finalized for the last 6 months, and my ex wont send in the damn annulment paperwork or give any updates on it, so I'm forced to put off my legal name change. (As I don't think I can start a divorce with papers signed with my birth name, while I'm simultaneously getting, or had just gotten a name change?? not sure. Like can I get my name change, and then once the papers are sent in with my birth name, just put in a notice to the court attached to that case file showing the certificate of legal name change? Like would that work? If it can thatd be a huge load off. I just don't have the money to talk to a lawyer about it )
but that's driving me nuts too, because the longer I wait for a name change, the more convoluted it will be when I finally start work and have to go by the new name.
I have every intention of using that chosen name when interacting with people, but it can be so confusing for things like payroll to have two active names.
And then you add in the fact that I've got a huge backlog of things I need to take care of separate from all of this, which are purely time consuming that I wasn't able to do in the last 2-3 weeks due to moving around, and other people are relying on them being completed.
So now I'm stressed from just about every source in my life right now.
I'm lucky in so many ways, but when you feel like there's a huge pressure on your back, and your knees are buckling, you don't feel lucky
you just feel sick.
Thanks to anyone who'll listen. Sometimes venting is the most therapeutic thing I could ask for.
