Mom and I finally sat down and had a "talk." She's trying, but she keeps asking, "Why can't you just look like a guy? I can't even see your boobs! Why do you have to go and waste money on [surgery]?"

I just don't even know where to begin with that. I tried explaining how I just feel like my body should match my brain but I don't think she's getting it at all. She also wants me to stop being so angry all the time because the family is trying (they are, most are better than her), so she probably doesn't understand how much it hurts.

Unfortunately the majority of cis people just don't understand. How could they? They are comfie in their gender identity, it more or less matches their body. At least she is trying. Maybe just avoid talking to her about this stuff if it's like hitting your year against the wall.

It's a learning curve for her, Frank. Trying usually means getting there eventually.  How long has she known?

Hugs, Devlyn

If it was my mom, I'd tell her... Maybe you can't see my boobs, but I'm the one who has to shower with them... I can feel them & during sex my partner can see/touch them. They have weight and mass and make my most intimate moments distressing and uncomfortable. My body, my comfort, my choice, my needs, F off.

Of course, I guess I'm pretty confrontational with my family.

There is a brochure for the british NHS called doh-transgender-experiences.pdf which might help ...
only thing I don't like is on page 7 talking about stress... many experience relief...

if you get angry you could think about a counselor... visiting a lgbt center, maybe there are support groups there, or counseling... or even talk to a trans helpline...

hugs

Part or perhaps all of the problem is that as long as you still have breasts, your mother can think of you as a female and dismiss the fact that your hair is short and you are wearing male clothes. Having the surgery makes it real. It brings you mother face to face with the fact that you are a male and she has to give up all her allusions of you really being a female.

My parents were very honest with me when i was transitioning. When I had the top surgery, my mother cried. It bothered her. She identified with it, and to her, my breasts were a sign, a visible sign that I was a female. When I had the bottom surgery, my father, who is very analytic and stoic cried. Again, this was something that he could identify with and removed the last of what he saw as making me a female.

It takes parents a while to truly understand. For many, its the first time they have had to confront it. It always blows me away with how many parents never even noticed that their child was slowly beginning to look and dress like the gender they identified with. Even the parents who are understanding and supportive go through a period of mental shock. They have to give up their daughter or son, depending on which way you are going. My parents were behind me from the start, and visibly relieved that they finally knew why I was so miserable and depressed. They still  had problems though. At one point, my father told me that they felt like they were in a Bill Cosby show. They went to a therapist who worked with the parents of transgenders and read all they could get their hands on. Basically the dream parents when it came to being a transgender.

Even now, 26 years later, my mother slips up from time to time and says her. I think its as important for the person going through the transition to help the parents understand and support them as they go through their own mental turmoil. They have to get rid of the pictures of their

The weird thing was, I was explaining to her how I had a girlfriend and then blew her mind right away when I said I actually like boys, and then she just kind of apparently did not reason out how exactly I'm supposed to be...intimate with either. I didn't actually say, "Mom, how am I supposed to look and act like a guy and be intimate with a gf/bf?" I should have asked. I would have been so entertained by the perplexed look.

I think Sam has a point though. She's really going to be confronted with it when they're gone.

When I first came out my mom was really supportive. She asked if I wanted to see a therapist and I said yes, but the therapist was SO uneducated. She told me "If you know you are a guy, then you're a guy. It shouldn't matter what pronouns people call you." She then told my mom that I should just "go to school as a girl" because it'd be safer.

My mom was very supportive of me, but she bawled when I told her I had scheduled my surgery. She hasn't asked to see how I look yet, but I know it was hard for her.

It takes time for parents to adjust. The fact that your family is trying is a huge thing. Try and explain things gently and be ready to be asked the same question a few times. I know my family still asks me "are you sure??" even years later. They don't mean any harm by it, I think it's more that it's so alien to them they can only grasp so much of it at any given time.

For as much as we want to protect our parents from the trauma of our transitioning, its a step they have to go through. Trying to make it easier by letting them know you understand that its a shock but you are and will continue to be the same person they have always known. Your body will just be different, and your name. You really can't put yourself in their shoes, because you've already accepted your own true gender.

That was a pretty rude remark about letting you go to school as a girl, Trojanman. Sadly there aren't always knowledgeable therapists in everyone's area, but they have the means to find and talk to another therapist who is. My therapist was actually a child psychologist even though I was 26. He admitted up front that he had never treated a transgender before, and right away started consulting with other therapists in the states to find out what to do and how to guide me. In this day and age, there really isn't any excuse for a therapist who is a novice in transgender therapy not consulting some help or finding another therapist for you.

I guess when we transition, we become in a way the parent. We have to be patient, supportive and try to help our parents through the process. Even though what we are going through ourselves is stressful, its still kind of an obligation. I'm sure our parents, or at least most of them, have at sometime in the past made sacrifices for us that may have made their lives more difficult so that we would have a better life.

sam1234

I get this from my parents all the time too, my dad in particular. He always tells me that I "don't have to dress like a man or have surgery to become a man. You can act like a man and have male hobbies, that would be okay. Just call yourself a tomboy but don't change your body." And that's when he's in a good mood and attempting to wrap his mind around things, I won't even get into what he says when he's in his irritable low moods. He doesn't understand how insulting it is to suggest I just go on pretending I'm only a tomboy. I did almost get through to him once when I suggested he try living as female for a while to see how it feels. I could see the realization dawning on him then... it was gone... and he admitted that he still didn't understand and probably never would completely understand because he's never felt like I do. At least he was honest, I guess.

A lot of this reminds me of my parents. When I first came out as trans, my mom was worried about my future, but my dad was open-minded. When I wanted a consultation for T, my mom was helpful because she had seen it coming and had had the time to adjust, but my dad freaked out like it was out of the blue.

The thing is, though, I wonder if they're somehow right to be concerned. I have either no gender dysphoria, or it's very subtle. I've never had a strong feeling that "this IS the wrong body" and "I KNOW I am male". It's more like "I like where this is going" and "I know I'm physically female, but I'd like to *become* more of a guy". What I do know is when I drift in a feminine direction I feel sad, and when it's a masculine direction I feel happy.  The idea of settling for female is quietly distressing, and the idea of T and surgery is quietly thrilling.

Is that abnormal for a trans person? Has anyone else felt like this? And (to try to stick to the thread's original intention) do you think they have a good reason to be concerned or want me to wait for a while?

I don't think that is necessarily abnormal. People get to their decision individually. Unless you are sure, you might want to start out by masculinizing yourself without actually starting the hormones. Change what you wear, cut your hair and in places where people don't know you, pass for a guy. That will give you some idea as to whether being in a guy's body is more natural for you.

I can't speak for the ladies, but F to Ms have some possibly irreversable changes when they start taking T. Lower voice, clitoral enlargement and more noticeable facial hair. The first two might not go back to normal if you decide you don't want to transition, so its worth giving yourself a trial run before going on T.

Contravene,
some time when you father is in a decent mood, tell him to imagine  waking up in a woman's body. No one else knows that he is a guy and responds only to what they see. His drivers license says female, as does his social security and all other paperwork. When he goes to work, his colleagues call him she and her. If he has a good imagination, that may bring what you are dealing with closer to home.

sam1234

Quote from: sam1234 on March 17, 2015, 05:19:49 PM
Contravene,
some time when you father is in a decent mood, tell him to imagine  waking up in a woman's body. No one else knows that he is a guy and responds only to what they see. His drivers license says female, as does his social security and all other paperwork. When he goes to work, his colleagues call him she and her. If he has a good imagination, that may bring what you are dealing with closer to home.

sam1234

Thanks, I'll definitely try that. He is a creative and imaginative person so I'm sure that even if he doesn't get it at first he'll at least spend time thinking about it.