After seven years in an emotionally abusive marriage (based on my ex's inability to accept the fact that I was a male), I'm finding it really hard to get back into dating. The divorce was some 17 years ago, but it really damaged my trust. My ex was immediately accepting when I told her two weeks into dating and during the year and a half we were living together. Once we were married, it started to fall apart. She questioned my legitimacy as a male, even wanted me to get a chromosome test because she would "feel better if you were xxy".

Now I'm overly wary of even going out for coffee with a girl. Over the years, several women have approached me, but I just couldn't break through the suspicion. I'm not old, 55, and starting to think about not wanting to to go into my later years alone. I live with a couple of friends, a man and his wife, (the wife knows, the husband does not but wouldn't care if he did), but its not the same as having someone to grow old with and share my life with.

Have any of you guys gone through a bad relationship that left you with a bad taste in your mouth? I don't think this is something that counseling would help. This is also a relatively small town and my work brings me into contact with people from all walks of life. I don't want to be outed, which would be a risk if I was dating for long. I don't feel comfortable not telling the person I'm with after a few dates. For one thing, if you like the person, finding out if they are ok with your gender issues or not early on saves a lot of hurt.

sam1234

I had a similar experience with 3 years of trauma for not even a full year of dating this girl. There are a lot of circumstances against me trying to start anything new, but if I did I would tell them I am trans early on. If they aren't cool with it, then there are likely other issues there too. I do the same when I introduce myself to new friends.

I do have hope that one bad experience is just that, unrepeatable. Its not likely that the new person will be as bad as the previous one, and if they seem to be then it would be easier to pick up on warning signs faster. Humans need companionship, someone who is willing to be there for you and you for them. Friends are cool, but they have their own lives. Pets are cool, but they don't talk. If you feel there is a need for romance, then there is.

For me, dating has always been a problem.  When you're a chubby, socially-awkward, gender-dysphoric person who's been taught your whole life that you're worthless, that no one will ever like you, that you're wrong for trying to be yourself, that you're always wrong when it comes to anything you say or do...and it comes from your own family...it screws you up.  You believe them.  And it's worse when you're an adult and you don't start really dating until you're twenty-five, only to be used and abused by a small handful of people who don't give two ->-bleeped-<-s about the person within.  It makes you wary, maybe even a little paranoid.  It's even affected my relationships with my friends.

I'm having a lot of trouble seeing myself with anyone, really.  I look at my history.  I look at the person in the mirror, whose body currently doesn't match his mind.  I still hear the snarling, sneering voices of my own family telling me that I'm stupid, lazy, that I'll never amount to anything, that no one will ever want you.  I look at photos of the one person I loved so very much and he never knew how much he meant to me...and he's gone and will never know.

Great.  Feels.  And the testosterone makes it impossible to cry now.  Welp, there's always the barbells...

But yeah, kinda doubt I'll ever find someone to share my life with.  I know that feel, mate.  It's a terrible feel.

Amadeus,
man, it sounds like you are in a pretty down place. I'm really sorry you are feeling that way. My friend tells me that crying helps, but I've never been one to do that easily and it sounds like you are the same.

Up until I found out that transitioning could be done, I'd spent my life depressed, invisible, suicidal and had no self esteem. After I transitioned, my life immediately changed. I went back to school, got a bachelor's then an advanced degree. It seems like all the self esteem that had gone came back with transitioning. I was always pretty good at telling who was honest and ok and who wasn't, so when I missed the signs with my ex, it kind of killed my trust in my own instincts. It never should have gone on that long, but i kept making excuses for my ex's behavior. The signs were there, hindsight is 20/20, but i wanted the marriage to work, and we had a new baby. In the end, all it did was tear me down piece by piece until I was back to that untrusting person again.

I've never regretted transitioning, regardless of what happened, and am thankful every day that I'm in the right body. I don't tell people unless they have to know, like a Dr., or my friend who has medical power of attorney since my family is out of state. As far as potential partners, i would probably do what i did. Date for a couple or a few weeks, letting them get to know me as a regular man, then tell them. The thing is, my ex accepted it right off the bat. She had a lot of questions, and we stayed up all that night talking. It wasn't until later on that she started to really get mean about it. What do you do when you have a baby and your wife tells you she only married you to upset her parents? While all this was going on, I was in a difficult, stressful program getting my advanced degree and it was like everything was crashing in at the same time.

I know that when you are transgendered, be it F to M or M to F, its always a risk, and I'm not comfortable passing for more than a few weeks. (Yes, I'm old fashioned and don't get intimate until I know the person).
I'm starting to wonder, with dating anyway, if its the ones that have to take time and process what they have been told that will wind up being more stable in the end.

I appreciate you guys sharing. No one really wants to think about their failed relationships. When I was younger it wasn't such a big thing, but it is now.

sam1234

I suppose I can't offer any advice on this, but I'd like to just say that you're not alone. From my visual experience non trans men face difficulties with relationships and trust as well. Anything that arises shouldn't stop you from being happy though. There are a whole bunch of wonderful people out in the world just waiting for someone like you guys to come along. You just have to put yourself out there.

Sam, that's one hell of a ride you've had there.  I keep hoping that my self esteem will rise, especially after surgery.  I've thought about returning to school and getting, at minimum, a bachelor's in English.  My books aren't exactly flying out of Amazon so I need to do something.  Problem is, everything I've ever done was for that one person I loved.  It was never for me.  Some say it's noble.  Others say it's foolish.  I just sit here and stare at them both until they belt up.

Out of curiosity, where did you meet your exes?  Through mutual friends or school or...?  That can make all the difference.

I know on OKCupid they have new gender identity options; you can be up front and tell people you're FtM via your profile.  I don't know if any other dating sites do that yet.  I think being introduced to people via mutual friends might be one of the better ways to go about dating.  If your friend knows that Person A is a LGBT ally or at least open-minded, it makes it easier later to have The Talk.  Or if you're open about your transition, the friend can just explain, "Sam's FtM and really hot and you two should go out."  Again, it's all about how comfortable you are revealing something so intimate to another person you barely know.

I was married only once (easy to get confused if I was rambling). I actually met her at a small party another F to M was having. The surgeon that did my chest put me in touch with the guy, and when I met him, he invited me to a small party and said there was a girl he wanted me to meet. Ever wish you hadn't done something? I did have a girlfriend, but that was before I transitioned and she thought it was a lesbian relationship which obviously didn't work out. (She is married with two kids now. Go figure).

Okcupid was one sight I tried briefly a few weeks ago, (got the info off this forum), and then chickened out. To be honest, I'm embarrassed with some of the things I let slide in the marriage that were very personal, intimate remarks regarding my gender. It was a ride. Through Hell.

Amadeus, I think you will feel better when you are able to transition as much as you feel is needed. Its a very powerful type of freedom. For me it took me from the depths of depression to a euphoric high I can't explain. Hold onto who you really are inside, and remind yourself that even if you have to go in baby steps, its possible to get yourself to a better place emotionally and physically. There are some grants for transgender people which others here may be more familiar with. It can't hurt to try.

sam1234

Also understand here... Though my relationship of 14 years wasn't abusive, it was a clean (but incredibly painful and traumatic on both sides) break when I came out to him as transgender. Fortunately no kids. That was two years ago, and I'm finding it hard to even look. I'm already awkward and introverted, and I'm not sure I want to share the self that I'm just claiming/building for the first time. I posted a profile on OKCupid after about a year but got some incredibly abusive responses (I didn't pass as a guy, I'm about 80% now).

I think I'm actually ok with being single for the next while, or even beyond. I have my own life now, to live the way I want to live, authentically and unapologetically. Hopefully this is a bright spot for all of us?

I started on OKcupid, but then found out that it wasn't for transgenders alone. There wasn't a choice to put down transgender. I don't want to go through explaining things again or taking a chance that I'll find someone I like and then they won't accept me.

I'm glad your break was clean. I've often thought that if i could have just divorced my ex without a child, it would have been easier. I wouldn't have had to think of her again. I wanted my son to have what he needed and money to put away for college, so for 16 years, i paid child support. When my health went and my income dropped by about 70%, I kept sending the same amount despite the advice of my lawyer. It cleaned me out, but I figured if it would get my kid into college, it would be ok. Come to find that all the extra went to pay for things my ex wanted for herself. I think that is one reason why i have such trouble letting go. Even though we were divorced, we were still attached by child support. At one point I had to take out a restraint order for my mother. My parent's live fairly close to where my ex was, so my mother would pick my son up for visits and get verbally abused every time she went. It was a long term mess. Every year I'd get a letter wanting more money even though my ex knew that my income was rapidly declining with my health. Had it not been so drawn out, I probably would have gotten back in the game again.

sam1234