Hi everyone,
My name is Nora. And I'm so depressed right now that I literally just felt like I could kill myself today. Two weekends ago I decided to tell my parents. Since I've been on hormones now for almost a month. My dad took it really well, but my mom. Omg, drama queen number #1. It's all about her now - and two days ago she texted me that she rather se me kill myself than me doing this. Since she doesn't want to me ashamed of me. She took it back yesterday. Said she was out of it - but it still hurts. I understand its a process for everyone in my surroundings too - but she is making this all about her.

within 3 months I will start my psychology-process - with other words - start seeing a psychologist/social worker/therapist and so on ( you have to see these three people to get a diagnosis to get free surgeries in Sweden). So being on HTR for a month and that process starting soon it feels good. But I've started to think more and more lately.

The last couple of days I've been walking around feeling like my childhood is stolen. That I will never get to experience that. Being a girl in highschool.. being a girl on the playground when I was young.. I just feel robbed. And no matter what I know that I will never get that back. I know I'm 20 and many people start this process when they are older. But I feel like.. so I will be completely done 100% ( as in breast argumentation and SRS) for sure when I'm about 21,5/22. I know it's still very young but I can avoid the thought of that I would have wanted to be born as a girl so bad. I look at my sister and I feel like my jealousness never will go away.

It feels like even if I continue with all this... I've lost 20 years already - and everything looks and seems pointless.. I've really come to that point when I feel like "What's the meaning of everything?" ..

I hope someone can recognize herself in this feeling - because I literally just feel like I wanna die right now.

Trans lifeline US 877-565-8860 CAD 877-330-6366 http://www.translifeline.org/ Or find the crisis number for your area/country.

Please call now, don't try to fight these feelings on your own. Get the support that you need right now. Start to feel better then you can work on being the person you need to be.

Need to talk with your therapist or as White Rabbit said make a call.

Sometimes we need to find a safe place to help us reset.

Transition is a million things coming at you all at one time.

Time management skills need to be employed.

You are human and can not process all of it at one time with out overload.

Step back some from the whirlwind and give yourself a overload break.

Always rely on you therapist and local support system.

Hugs

Big hug! Make that phone call if you have to, we need you around! Everyone here believes in you, trust me.

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Nora,

Please call a friend or a crisis center if you think you cannot stay safe! We want to have you around, and you'd be missing out big time if you left us now!

I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote, the missing out, and so on. I'll be forty next year, and I have only very recently acknowledged that I'm trans*. You know, it's ok to grieve for those missed moments. But we have to try to not let this drag us down. There will be many wonderful experiences ahead of you. There will be tough times, but that's not all there is. So please hang on in there!

Another thought: have you had your hormone levels checked? As a person designated female at birth I can attest to the power of hormones to make you feel miserable. If you're early on in the process your body has a lot of adjusting to do.

Do you have a friend around who you can call?
hugs!

sorry to hear you in this low point of transition. when I finally found the path to freedom , I went through the same grieving of lost life. I've always been female , but I missed out on being able to wear the clothes that were more appropriate  for me and to do the things that were more right. I was lucky to have a boy friend when I was very young which helped ease the pain, but it would of been so much better to be totally me.  I was lost for so long, but I finally made it . It only took 60 years to get here. I'm just so determined to enjoy what time I have left. you just need to move on. You've probably got at least 60 years if not more left to be free ,  xo just except and enjoy.

If you feel like suicide is the answer than call the help line.

You have so much to look forward to and you are young enough to really benefit from the hormones. Like you said, surgeries can correct the rest.

Your Mom was out of line, do not listen to HATE. Just do not let it in. There is nothing wrong with you and you need not be ashamed.

You were always a girl and always will be. You started transition at 20 and you will do wonderful,

hugs,

Cynthia.

Okay girl, please feel free to message me anytime, I am always here to support you!

I completely understand you, my mom told me the same exact thing your mom said, and more than once. I still think she would rather have me die, then have their family know about me transitioning, because she is very ashamed of me, and you need to understand that your family is not that good, and that they are not meant to be perfect. Don't do something stupid because of them, I know you might feel alone, and everything, but you can always build your own family.

About the childhood stole from you, It's something we all go through, and I hate it when older trans folks, say that we younger ones should not feel that, because we got it luckier than them or something, because we are all in the same thing, some people got more or less  years they regret, but also at that age we couldn't have done anything, so it's even worst, and you wish your parents would have picked up the hints, instead of suppressing us. You just need to think about the future, you can't do anything about the past.

Also, I'm 18 and I'm in high school (last year), but it's really hard to be trans in public, in fact I don't do that, and I'm still in the closet, because of my family, but kids can be really mean, trans teen or kids get it really hard too.

Also, your mom needs to more time to come around, maybe with time she will, and it sounds like she regretted herself already.

Good luck on your journey!

Hi Nora,

I've been there. The worst reaction I got was from the first person I told. I gave up for almost a decade because of it. Don't give up or feel you need to hide yourself. Limit you time talking to and being with your mom. She needs time to mourn the death of her expectations for her son.

It sounds like she is in the anger stage, be careful when she enters bargaining. Once the anger fades, she'll try to entice you into a part-time transition. She probably wants what she believes is best for you, so she can justify it in her mind. Don't take her bait, don't include her in all the details of your transition.

I'm glad I was born this way. I wish I had known about HRT treatment options earlier, and I wish I had started earlier. But I know that if I had been born with a girl's body, my mom and I would have a very different relationship. I'd rather go through the pain that comes from being trans, than be a girl who fought with her mom constantly. She would be so overprotective... I'd be a different person. Sometimes it sucks being me, but I wouldn't trade with anyone.

A lot of us transition because it solves our issues with our body, so we can be happy as ourselves. A lot of us focus on training to lose masculine habits and acquire feminine ones so we can pass. I think something that is lost in translation of our personal experiences transitioning is the self-acceptance you earn through therapy. Learning to accept that some people are too focused on shallow details to see the whole picture, you happier than you could be as a guy. We're not perfect, neither are they.

I hope things get better for you soon. And suicide is never the answer. If you ever feel that way, calling someone or a hotline really helps. Take care of yourself, and remember all things diminish with time.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: SwedenMtf on March 17, 2015, 01:03:19 PM
The last couple of days I've been walking around feeling like my childhood is stolen. That I will never get to experience that. Being a girl in highschool.. being a girl on the playground when I was young.. I just feel robbed. And no matter what I know that I will never get that back.

I think everybody here is gonna recognise this feeling. When you see "stolen time", I see lots of lessons learned and experiences lived. Sure not the ones you'll have experienced if born cis, but those that made the person you are now. There's no turning back obviously, but there's no need of it.

As I see it, you (and most trans* folks) got a very rare and precious knowledge most people in this wolrd haven't. Those years, the GID, transition... those things can enrich yourself, and teach you to be more tolerant, more patient, more supportive, more understanding, more empathic, more mature...

You know what? I don't need the experience of "being a girl on high school". I got a much more valuable and rare experience, and most important, that living made me the person I am right now.

Nothing really makes me feel better about it. When I'm in a good mood I'm almost ignoring those thoughts, and in a bad mood I just realize that life will end soon enough on its own. So either way I'm good most of the time.