Some of you know I do a radio show/podcast with LGBT themes, but it's primarily entertainment with a lot of low-brow humor more than serious activism, especially recently since a new host has taken the lead and that's the direction he wants to take the show. I was contacted for advice. Below is her message and my (slightly edited for privacy) message back to her. BTW, when I say to take what we say with a grain of salt, that's also a disclaimer I would give on the show for listeners before talking about it.

QuoteI had a question I'd like some input or advice on...but would like kept anonymous please. My teenage neice posted on Facebook expressing confusion over which gender she's most comfortable with. I included pics of her post & my response...I was looking for advice on how to help her. I don't want to trivialize her (for lack of better pronoun ATM) feelings, but I want her to love herself for who she is...and be comfortable with whatever feels right for her.

QuoteWe'll talk about this on the show anonymously but I would very strongly encourage you to take anything we say with a grain of salt. We're just entertainers, after all, not therapists, and Derrick and I aren't trans and you should assume anything we say is coming from a position of ignorance. If Lauren happens to be on, she can at least speak from a certain amount of experience.

Probably the best advice I can give you is to post on Susan's Place. LOTS of experienced people can share their thoughts. I'll go ahead and start a thread there and keep it anonymous. That way you can look at it without having to create a login if you don't want to. I'll send you the URL shortly.

I jest, kind of, but I am sincerely concerned about trying to act like a therapist because trans people have a disproportionately high suicide rate and I would hate to think that I had inadvertently done anything to contribute to something like that out of my ignorance.

I'm so glad you're taking your niece(nephew?) seriously. You're WAY ahead of the curve!

The advice I would give is to get them to a properly trained therapist and to continue to be supportive.

Definitely agree. I guess I thought she might want advice on how she approaches the situation like what words might be triggering to a young person who thinks they might be trans or whether she should approach her niece or or wait for her niece to talk about it first or something.

I would say see a therapist first. This place is great but a therapist is trained and certified

Quote from: dalebert on March 17, 2015, 09:40:35 AM
Definitely agree. I guess I thought she might want advice on how she approaches the situation like what words might be triggering to a young person who thinks they might be trans or whether she should approach her niece or or wait for her niece to talk about it first or something.

It's nice of you to start the thread for them, Dalebert.

Using the preferred pronouns and not saying they're confused or going through a phase are things to keep in mind. I assume you're reading this?  Welcome to Susan's Place!

Hugs, Devlyn

I think showing your concern and compassion would be the biggest thing. It hurts to think you are alone and have no one to stand with you.

That Facebook post is a literal cry for help, so it seems to me it would be fine to say "Hey, I saw your post, and I just want you to know that I love you no matter what, I'm here for you, and I'd like to help if I can."  Just saying that you think your niece is a good person, and that you love her unconditionally, will go a long way.

If it were me, I'd let her take the lead at that point and see where the conversation goes -- if she wants to talk about her feelings, just be a good listener -- you could also offer to help her find resources online, offer to help her talk to her parents (including about seeking therapy), and maybe help her and her family find a therapist who's good with kids and gender issues).

Hi all,
            I am the aunt that Dale posted this for (thanks again Dale!!).
             My neice (or nephew if that's what they determine is.right, but for now, to simplify, I'll just say neice) is legitimately one of the coolest people I know with one of the biggest hearts...but has been having issues for sometime. Around a year and a half ago she asked to do an inpatient program because she had been self harming...but she didn't feel like it was helpful and had her mom (my sister-in-law) pull her out. At that time she did say she didn't want her Grampa or other Uncle (my father/brother in-laws) to go visit her....at the time I feared the worst; but now I believe she's known this for awhile and those two people have been very outwardly homophobic.
     Her mom is very supportive emotionally, but I don't know if she realizes to what degree her daughter needs help. My neice did tell me awhile back about her gf and I asked to see pictures, what her favorite thing about her gf was, and thanked her for trusting me.(both my nice and nephew have said numerous times my husband and I are the only family they trust).
          As the aunt, I don't want to step on toes...but I'd do anything in my power to help & protect them.
       When I saw this post I replied "Is the label really necessary? Be you, do what makes you happy, wear what makes you happy, love who makes you happy, and as long as you're not hurting anyone else; just call yourself fabulous because that's what you are <3".
       I know she's hesitant to talk to therapists...and don't want her to think I'm implying there's anything wrong with her by suggesting it. I just want this amazing person that I love so much to be happy and confident like they deserve.

First of all I want to thank you for being supportive. Second the purpose of a gender therapist isn't to determine if anything is "wrong" but to find out how to make things right.  One way you might want to start is by possibly inviting them over for the weekend so the 2 of you can talk things out. Give them a safe place when they are going through a rough time. In the end though a qualified gender therapist is trained on how to help people find their way like your nephew needs. Also it might be an idea to find out which pronouns they would like you to use and whether it is just between you or publicly as well.

We can offer advice and suggestions but we are each unique as is your nephew, they need someone trained to help them find their path what ever that may be. Try to assure them that there is nothing wrong with their feelings, just that they are in the wrong place and they need the help to find the right path for them. Most importantly though try to be a safe place for them.

You could tell her to reach out...
talking to a counselor, preferably a gender therapist... or a counselor at school she trusts, for a referral...

and she could call at the next lgbt center near her and ask for some counseling...
there might even be support groups there, and she could join a school gsa, where there might be other trans people...

She might say at home she has some gender issues and wants some counseling,
or she might say for emotional purposes, and pick someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list...

the purpose of a gender therapist is to help her sort out what she wants, and help her along the process... a trained gender therapist should know the steps and help her sort out her feelings.

Well if she is really depressed she should see a counselor... not advocating meds but someone she can really talk about, what really moves her....

Additionally there are helplines for immediate help.
She can call one of those for example, people are there to help and give advice (there are many others):
glnh dot org/talkline/ (this is the national lgbt youth helpline)
translifeline dot org

You might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has some biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance. And it could show that its nobodys fault... neither hers nor her parents upbringing... it just is... and no reason for self hatred or self harm...
Some people compare it with a male twin: the core of the person will be the same, like a male/female twin, with the same sense of humour etc...
Well since you know them best its up to you what you say... you might even think about showing the brochure...

Now on to the fun part.
It can be fun to explore, and she is not alone in this, there are many others.

She could play around a bit with hair and clothing style... mens or unisex trousers, sweaters one or two sizes bigger... second hand stores could be a good source. It can be really fun. She could try some easy reversible steps. She just shouldn't overdo it in the beginning, because going back might be not easy. She could try for every day some light changes, like wearing trousers more often...

It is a process, and it takes time. She should take the time she needs, but keeping at it.

She could look up the following resource for a few thoughts:
there is a website called gayteens dot about dot com where there is a quiz "am_i_trans.htm" . It might help her with a few thoughts, they state a few opinions of others, and explain a few terms. And it might help by showing she is not alone in this.
And she don't have to feel male all the time. A question would be would she prefer a more male body to be more happy ?

Its a spectrum, and it might take some time to find out where she is comfortable.

hugs

gig41,

It's great that you're looking out for your niece (I'll use female pronouns for now), I wish I had someone who I could have confided in when I was a teenager and dealing with dysphoria.

I think the first thing to do, if you haven't done so already, is let her know that you're there for her if she needs to talk to someone. If other family members are homophobic she may feel as if she has no one to turn to for help so having even just one person on her side will be a huge relief for her. Another thing you can do is let her know that it's perfectly normal to question her gender and provide her with some resources so that she can educate herself about what she's feeling. Just from what I read in the screen capture of her Facebook post she seems confused and scared. Learning more about what it means to be transgender and also learning that there are other people out there like her who are going through similar emotions will ease her confusion and fear.

• http://www.glaad.org/transgender/trans101 is a good resource and gives some easy to understand information about gender identity and sexual orientation. I feel like this is a good place to start because it spares the reader from some of the long-winded medical terminology that a lot of other sites use.

• Another good resource is the GLBT National Help Center website http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/. Among other things it provides the number for a helpline where your niece can talk to a peer counselor if she's considering self-harming or if she just needs someone to talk to. The site also has an anonymous and confidential chat which a teen may find easier to use. Personally I've found that writing to someone online in the chat is less stressful than calling and I used the chat last year when I was self-harming (hitting myself) and feeling suicidal. It helped a lot and the people I chatted with were all very compassionate.

Then of course there's always this website where she can browse the forums and there's also a youth section that's just for teens.

The final step would be suggesting that she see a therapist and, if it's possible, it may be something you should talk to her parents about. Instead of accidentally stepping on toes it would be better to try to work together with them in helping your niece if they're willing to. When I was a teenager I saw a therapist for other issues not related to gender dysphoria and I hated it. I refused to open up and felt as if my parents and my therapist were ganging up on me so I understand exactly how a teen may feel negatively about therapy. Now as an adult I wish I had gone and opened up about my gender dysphoria so I could have gotten help sooner. It might be helpful to let your niece know that the therapy option is out there and that if she would like to see someone you or her parents can find a therapist who deals specifically with gender dysphoria then let her decide on her own if or when she would like to go so that there's no pressure.

Your niece is very lucky to have someone like you who loves her and wants to help. Gender dysphoria can be a very frightening thing, especially at that age, but I'm sure things will start to get better for her.

gig41,

QuoteWhen I saw this post I replied "Is the label really necessary? Be you, do what makes you happy, wear what makes you happy, love who makes you happy, and as long as you're not hurting anyone else; just call yourself fabulous because that's what you are <3".

I had tears in my eyes when I read the above. You are a super person and all so correct. In one sentence you capture what trans want but unfortunately we need help sometimes. The help is from a gender therapist. I have been going to a gender therapist for 26 months. Please, a gender therapist is a safe person experienced and licensed to help trans achieve what you quoted,

Hugs.




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Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I'll be passing along the resources you provided and reminding her that I'm always here to help as much as or little as she needs & will always be cheering her on.
     Hope its OK if I stick around as a fly on the wall to better understand what she may be going through. You all are amazing!!!

You're welcome to stay on the site. We're very happy to have you.

First, check out the links that were given to you. The GLAAD link is the same as what I gave to my family when I first came out and it helped create a starting point. I would advise that you let your niece take the lead, but let them know that you support them. Both of my Aunts are two of my biggest supporters and I love them dearly. They were the two first people I told about my wanting to transition to male and they have been my cheerleaders the whole time. Without their support I think it would have been much more difficult to gain acceptance from my family. I would also say encourage them to go to a therapist. A good therapist is worth their weight in precious metals and mine was able to help me sort my feelings when I was really confused.