Hi, I wanted to share something that's been bugging me for quite a while now. I do know that my situation may require professional help from my therapist, but I wanted to vent anyway: maybe someone is going through a similar process and they can offer their opinion.

I'm 32 years old, and I identify as genderfluid or some weird form of trans female: I still present as male, and find it difficult to imagine a scenario where I'd be ready to transition socially.

I've been on HRT for almost a year and a half. My dosage was and is still relatively small. 

I started in March 2013, but in August 2013 I decided to stop because I wanted to bank my sperm. As a result there was a 6-month hiatus, which I did not enjoy.

I resumed HRT in January 2014 and was on hormones almost without interruption until August 2014, when my girlfriend of 7 years with whom I was living at the time broke up with me. I was so devastated that I decided to stop HRT (since my coming out to her and the hormones were the main reason she rejected me).

But after a month or so, I stared taking my daily dose again. So, in the last 6 months, I've been on and off hormones. I've discussed this with my endo and my therapist, and they both await my decision regarding HRT without, obviously, rushing me or anything.

The thing is that I cannot decide what I want. In the 6 months that I've lived alone after the breakup I still cannot figure out who I am and in what direction I should proceed.

The outcome of the whole experience is that I'm no closer to self-acceptance than I was two years ago and I've lost the most important person in my life.

For HRT:
- (probably the most important factor) sexually, I've never felt so good about myself. The mere thought of having estrogen in my system excites me. This could be the main reason why I wanted to be on hormones in the first place. (Despite the fact that ever since I came out to my ex-girlfriend, she didn't want to have anything to do with me physically, not even a hug.)
- psychological effects: I'm more in touch with the world and people around me; I'm less aggressive and self-centered.
- despite being still very much in the closet, I kinda live a more genuine version of my life than I had previously. 

Against HRT:
- social transition has always scared the hell out of me. I think I'm too old, I'm in the US on an F-1 visa, and transitioning in my native country seems out of the question. Besides the social stigma and the self-hatred, I don't have any support system in place on which I could rely (although I'm trying to fix that).
- I often think that if I continue HRT, I'll end up completely alone for the rest of my life. There's been some changes in my physical appearance, but these days I look like an effeminate 20-year-old boy. My libido deteriorated and changed in quality. All of this makes it extremely difficult to find a date, let alone a life partner. I'm attracted to women physically and find men interesting now, but I'm still waiting to adapt to this. Not being out socially doesn't help either.

I'm so scared of making a mistake that I'm paralyzed. Plus I always thought that my sexual life needed to be separate from my larger social life, so much so that being sexually repressed sometimes seems preferable to coming out of the closet.     

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I know I'll have to talk about this with my therapist again and again, but I just wanted to share this with you.

Peta (or Cathy, my preferred name)

Mod edit: no swears please.

Hi Cathy, welcome to Susan's Place! It's not easy figuring out your path. We're here to walk with you. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Peta,

You are who you are and we are family here. Feel comfortable and be yourself.

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When i went through a breakup in a longtime relationship i also had serious doubts about transition. I think the trauma from ending a relationship tends to make you think a bit unclearly. Transition is scary and the thought of being alone is also scary. After a breakup these types of feelings can definitely intensify.

Once you finished mourning the relationship you may feel differently. Think of this as just a new chapter and enjoy the new freedom to find yourself once again.

A few points – gender identity is pretty fluid so that's no problem, but I think physical gender identity goes one of two ways, of course you can dress either way up or down so this may be a moot point. Also I think it's completely natural to go through an indecisive period, I did too. It's probably due to the fact that we can consciously decide which hormones we want in our bodies, so it leaves all kinds of room for doubt.

When relationships end they cause all sorts of emotions like doubt and questioning of if we acted the right way – that can metastasize into bigger things like are we even the correct person or not. Relationships are two people coming together, when they end it's the same people growing apart.

Not sure I get the sexual thing, but physiologically you made two points – calmness and unselfish, and lack of libido (or libido variance). Estrogen is not the catalyst in these situations, but the absence of testosterone – it gives a ton of energy, physically and emotionally. Bad news, for libido issues testosterone is usually prescribed – keep in mind that libido is not just a physical thing but mental as well, both your body and mind can desire sex.

I'd love to know which country you're from! Sometimes acceptance comes the most unlikely of places, keep it in mind before you hide!

Thank you, Devlyn and Cynthia! I've been a lurker on this site for a long time, and it's been a tremendously helpful resource.

michelle82, thank you. I guess I am still not done mourning the relationship. I'm kinda slow and unaccommodating in this respect. I still can't believe she doesn't want to see me anymore. Emotionally, it still feels like a huge misunderstanding, even though she broke up with me to be with some dude. Plus the fact that I blame myself doesn't make things easier. But I am adapting as best I can.   

Blush, thank you for you thoughtful response! Those are some excellent points. I guess part of the problem is that I still don't know what would be a socially appropriate way of expressing my sexuality. While on estrogen, I never stopped desiring sex mentally (I became even more acutely aware of my sex drive, if that makes sense), but physically it became awkward, mainly because it required some mental and emotional preparation on my part, and it seemed to be a huge turn-off for my ex. I tried to communicate this to her, but maybe I was too stupid and clumsy or she was unresponsive -- either way, it never ended well. The thing is, the only way I know how to be sexual is by being a man, and because of the hormones I failed miserably at that. I didn't learn how to be sexual in other ways, and am frightened to start exploring this now. And I'm from Russia, so yeah

I can relate to the sexual dysfunction you're experiencing. Ive been with both men and women, more so the latter and have fathered 4 beautiful children, and ive noticed that the more feminine I wish to be and the deeper down the rabbit hole I go the more I want to be with a man.

For me femininity encompasses everything, even in the bedroom. I no longer want much to do with the male gender role. This makes penetrative sex with my girlfriend a bit difficult mentally. I can still perform adequately enough for her, but "finishing" is not as satisfying as it use to be.

You keep mentioning social anxiety. Maybe its time for you to seek out and do more for yourself. I had to heed my own advice and force myself to stop worrying about what other people think or how they view me. I have yet to lose any friends or family and I'm coming out to more people all of the time.

Its scary, but don't let the fear of rejection stunt your personal growth. Maybe getting rid of your inhibitions will help you discover more of yourself.

Nikki G, thanks for your reply. I know what you mean. I'm not that far advanced in my transition, but right now it seems like I might end up alone if I go any further. And I get a lot of personal validation from my relationships, so it's not easy to let go of the social anxiety. I'm working on that, though. And with men, I don't even know what to do and where to begin.

I've always been so afraid of rejection. I tried to lower my expectations that I wouldn't ever be in a romantic relationship.

Well, three months after I started taking hormones I met my girlfriend and we're still together. That was a year ago. She's lesbian and is attracted to me as a woman, and supports me no matter what I do... whether I continue hormones or not, whether I do surgery or not... She says she is attracted to me and loves me and that if she would ever leave me, it wouldn't be because of that. She also happens to be polyamorous and childfree, just like me.

When I presented myself as a man, I was sad that I couldn't find someone poly and childfree like me, and then when I realized I'm also transgender to top it all off, I thought that sealed the deal completely.

Well, I was wrong. The hormones made me lose my libido. So I joined an asexual facebook group. She saw me writing there and contacted me and we hit it off and have enjoyed a strong bond ever since. At first I didn't believe she would stay. The first night she slept over I had a nightmare she was leaving me. Every time we fought for the first few months I was sure she would leave me because of the fight. Now I am confident she won't leave me. I am confident I finally found a girlfriend that I have a strong bond with her that isn't going anywhere.

And part of what makes it strong is how different we both are from most people, not in spite of it.

So don't be afraid to embrace being different. Don't be afraid to lose people who don't love you as you are. Don't be afraid to lose people who don't support you to make your own personal choices about personal things like your body.

If you want to take hormones or not, do surgeries or not, do it for you. Because only when you live who you really are, can the people who love who you really are come along and get to know the real you. I'm not saying it's all roses and peaches. I still have dysphoria. I am still conflicted about hormones and surgery. But I'm conflicted about it for my reasons, not for what my girlfriend or anyone else wants. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Oh, and I'm 35 years old and started transition at age 34, and though I haven't taken breaks on HRT, the hormone levels have not been stable... there were even 3 months I had almost completely male hormone levels. And I really don't see much physical changes, but I feel like I have to give it a shot, even though I'm bald and not so young... It's hard, because I often worry that it's all for nothing, that I will never pass... but still, I owe it to myself to try because there is no other way to know if it worked or not.

Not everyone is one or the other, one being happy in their birth gender, the other wanting to be of the opposite gender.  Some want to have a foot in each camp.  But that could be a tough feat to accomplish, depending how far into each gender you need to be.  I know.  I am one of those people.

I lived 57 years before I started living full time.  Less than a year later, I had GRS.  No going back after that!     It's been 6 years now and during those years there were many times I wished I could switch to the old self, just not permanently.  Today I know I am one of those people living, at least mentally, on the fence.  I want one foot in each camp.  I've thought about binding and just going out as a guy with long hair.  I know I could pass.  But just the thought kinda freaks out my SO.  She says she sees me only as female but I can't can't see it.  I see me as 50/50.  Oh well...

If you can pull off gender fluid and find happiness, go for it!  If you find yourself following a path someone else suggested or you think is more socially acceptable, but you're not happy, why do it?  You have to do what's right for you.

Thank you, Ruth!! That's a great story, full of hope, and I'm really happy for you! I guess part of the problem is that I am still on the fence, and I don't know   what the right choice would be. So in my case I suppose it's not entirely about the fear of rejection. I have difficulty reconciling the two parts of my psyche and finding a whole identity. It's torture.

Julie Marie, thank you for sharing your experience! I don't think I can pull off genderfluid, at least not now. I do enjoy the curious glances when I'm in my andro mode, but that's as far as it gets.

Transition (either partial or full) comes with many pros and cons and many challenges, personal highs and lows. It's not easy but neither does it need to be a nightmare scenario where nothing works and you are unable to be who you want to be. But we cannot tell the future - making decisions based solely on fears or assumptions or high expectations will will either deprive you of ever knowing or conversely feeling disappointed about what "might have been". It's a case of one step at a time and keep talking to your therapist about your progress.

Hi Cathy welcome to Susan's.

Thank you, White Rabbit

Grace, thank you, I appreciate what you're saying.

This is an old thread but worth reviving. Breakups can be extremely tough and make you question every single thing in your life. I broke up with my ex almost a  year ago and I still love him and have these episodes of sadness and depression and "what if" situations. Just want to tell everyone who is going through the same that you're not alone.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 25, 2018, 10:23:57 AM
This is an old thread but worth reviving. Breakups can be extremely tough and make you question every single thing in your life. I broke up with my ex almost a  year ago and I still love him and have these episodes of sadness and depression and "what if" situations. Just want to tell everyone who is going through the same that you're not alone.

@Charlie Nicki    I recall reading this thread in the past but with my busy life events I did not realize that no one had posted since I had last read it....  I agree with you that this thread is important and should be kept active... so it appears that we are doing our part....  now, of course the thread topic will show up on the RECENT TOPICS list which will make it more available to the members here.

Yes, indeed, breakups, employment issues, family relationships and coming out to family members can be the catalyst for serious thoughts and being unsettled about going forward with and staying on one's journey with transition plans.   
That is what is so very good about the Susan's Place Forums....  when a member is going through difficult times and questions their own thoughts and plans...and then becomes unsure and indecisive about very their personal transition decisions.... it is here that they can find solace in finding other like-minded members that offer an ear, share their thoughts and help support them in their time of need.

Thank you Charlie Nicki for sharing your very relevant thoughts and making an effort to get this thread going again for the benefit of all members here..
Hugs,
Danielle

Oh, for those that are coming to this thread for the first time... it is worth reading the very first original post on this thread over 3 years ago posted by @Peta on March 8th, 2015.... she composed a great treatise on indecisiveness which obviously led her to starting this thread and worthwhile forum discussion. 
Also be certain to read what some of the members that commented here on this thread have to say....   
.... it is all very "good stuff"

Please, to all that have found themselves coming to this thread, as you feel so led, contribute your thoughts and post a reply here.

Hugs,
Danielle

During the time period I was indecisive I tackled hair removal.  I figured at least if I didn't transition, I'd grow older in my birth-assigned gender without having to shave every morning. 

Turns out that was one of my best decisions.