My name's Emily.
I really don't know if I'm planning on a transition or not. Over the years, I think I've trashed at least $10,000 worth of fem stuff and I'm in a replenishment mode again now.
I'm stuck in a cycle where I go from trying to rationalize everything, into a need to transition, then into realizing how much I have to lose, leading to depression, then back to I'm cured and throwing everything away. I just recently actually snapped out of depression and I now believe I was clinically depressed for about 15 years and didn't realize it. I kind of miss that because I wasn't afraid of anything. I had the attitude of if I die, I die, no big deal. Now I find myself doing everything possible to avoid that possibility. I'm not sure it's really the better end of the deal yet. It hasn't helped me not be so confused.
I have no idea what my sexual orientation is. All I know is that I don't enjoy intimacy with women, but I only seem to be attracted to women. It's like a big cosmic joke. The people I'm attracted to emotionally are a different sex from the ones I'm attracted to once aroused. I've tried to be good and avoid relationships at all costs, but I keep entering into them thinking maybe I just didn't love the last person enough and I keep meeting the same disappointment. When there's no intimacy, it turns into accusations of cheating because what guy doesn't want intimacy? He must be getting it from somewhere else.
I'm also not sure that I can go the rest of my life without a relationship and I've already proven that I can't not have relationships even knowing that they're going to fail. It's hard enough to remain single when you're not trans with all the people asking why you're still single and trying to fix you up all the time. The guilt trips about carrying on the family name don't help either. I could end all the why are you single questions just by telling them the truth, but that would lead to them pushing other buttons. At least I already have the answers that keep them at bay for awhile on the single thing.
My dysphoria seems to be different from most, which is probably what's causing me to pause so much. It's mostly a body dysphoria, having very little to do with presentation. Sure there are some gender roles I'd like to break free of like being able to have a drink that actually tastes good without being ridiculed for it, but there aren't many. I haven't had mirrors at home in over 10 years because it bothers me to look at myself in the mirror. Although I feel a need to physically be a woman, I don't feel a need to switch gender roles.
So I'm left in a predicament. I either continue what I've been doing, hating the sight of my own body and lying to every person I've met or will meet, or attempt a transition at the risk of losing all those friends and contacts I've made over the years that could ultimately result in a detransition. I always thought it would be easier to wait until I was an adult, but the more years that go by, the harder it gets. Logically, it makes sense. Why am I lying to people that might otherwise not accept me, just so they'll accept me? Why am I living in misery so other people don't have to feel uncomfortable? I've made friends recently that apparently had contact with trans people in the past, but their information is so outdated it must have been decades ago. I try to correct it and it ends with them so adamant that they're right that I just leave it alone. It's not necessarily wrong information and they don't have a problem with the community, it's just terminology that has a negative connotation now and didn't before. How much easier would it be to explain if I just told them that the reason I know this is that I'm one of them.
I live a minimalist lifestyle, putting almost no stock in material possessions. In fact the only possessions I have are clothing and things I use for work. Why can't I do the same with people? It would make it so much easier to just give it a go. I'm really tired of all the lying too. I can't stand people that don't practice what they preach, yet I'm lying to everybody I know about who I really am. I freely post in support of the LGBT community on my Facebook, even among family and friends, but I do so carefully to make sure they don't know I'm part of it. I'm probably not doing a good job though. When you're single at my age, everybody pretty much just assumes you're gay and are just waiting for you to say it. I myself, have become the type of person I dislike the most, a hypocrite.
