The last time I was here was about half a year ago. I was venting about how the girlfriend I made on another website had suddenly vanished.
She is another trans girl. We fell in love, and talked to each other every day for months....

She lives in Wyoming, and I live in Alaska. Our long-distance relationship just couldn't work out.

She was hospitalized after getting in a really bad fight. It just kills me that I couldn't be there by her side.


After half a year waiting to hear from her, I started searching the internet high and low for her, and I finally found her on Facebook.
I was so hesitant to contact her. I didn't know how she would react.

Well, I finally got her to talk to me. She dreaded talking to me because now she's fallen in love with the person who's teaching her to walk again. So... We're broken up now.
She avoided me for so long because she didn't want to hurt me.


I don't know how to handle this.
She is a great person who brightened up my life last year. She gave me hope. I can't hate her. She's a victim of anti-trans violence and still recovering. She deserves all the respect I can give her.

I feel betrayed, somewhat. I can't blame her though. We had never met in real life, though we had plans to be together later on in our lives. But life took us on a sudden left turn.

Was our relationship just puppy love?
I'm feeling so stupid for getting involved with someone I know only on the internet.

I feel like I don't ever want to even try to love somebody again. It's only going to lead to more misery and tears....
I searched for her come Hell and high water, only to be rejected.


Well, I spent my night finishing off a tub of ice cream and watching Xena, Warrior Princess.

Hugs AK. It hurts to lose someone, hurts doubly to be reject, hurts triply to be rejected in favor of another person.

I'll give you my opinion. If you're not ready to hear it, don't read any further. I don't want to upset you, but I also think I'm not giving you the support you deserve unless I say my piece.

An online relationship often does not involve the same quality of communication that an in-person relationship. It's much harder to understand what they're feeling and it's much easier to for them to hide a part of themselves from you. I would not consider anything I had with someone whom I hadn't met as "romantic" or "love". I hope this has helped.

My condolences. Having someone you love leave you behind really leaves a hole in your heart. It doesn't sound like puppy love. I'm sure you both had real feelings for each other.

Long distance relationships are hard to maintain for anyone. After a while, e-mails and phone calls just aren't enough. I know there are people who pull it off, but not many. It would have been nice if she had told you from the time she started to fall for this other guy, but she was probably feeling guilty. I would feel betrayed as well. If you really care about someone, you tell them the truth whether it hurts or not. Leaving someone hanging is also leaving them in limbo. You don't want to move onto another relationship because you are holding out hope that the other person still loves you.

I guess the thing to do is try to forgive and be friends. That isn't the easiest thing to do i know, but then you don't have to live with the feelings of betrayal that can turn into hate.

If you can, move on. Try some casual dates with someone who is close enough to see and interact with in person. That may be a while as you can't get over losing at love that fast. The fact is, you were able to find love before, so there is no reason why you can't now.

sam1234

Well, it was real love to the both of us while it lasted.

I touched base with her sister shortly after her accident. (I lost contact with her because the website she was using shut down in December.)
She told me how much I brightened up my girlfriend's life. She told me my girlfriend was an angry bitter little thing before I started talking to her. (She even attempted suicide a few times.) However, when we started talking, she started smiling in a way her sister had never seen before.
I had a profound impact on her life, and I truly made her happy.

When I first heard about her accident, I was told the first person she wanted to talk to when she woke up from her coma was her "Blue Bird." (Her pet name for me).
That is when I realized how much I meant to her. She loved me deeply. I knew she was the love of my life. She's a keeper.

I asked her sister to pass along my phone number to her, but I never got a phone call.


Yeah, jump forward to now. The love is gone.

When I last heard from her, she was taking custody of a youth, a trans girl who was having a hard time in high school.
I feel so selfish... that I should absolutely hate the woman my now ex-girlfriend fell in love with. But when I think about her whole situation, she needs somebody in real life to help her. She can't take care of a high-schooler by herself, and I simply can't be there in Wyoming to be with her.

Oy.... It's all just heartbreaking but I know I have to move on.

You aren't selfish for feeling hatred or jealousy towards the new girl. I think you still love your ex and will always have a special place for her. I will take a while for you to completely accept the loss. It was your support and love that allowed her to find room in her heart to help someone who needed it.

Sam1234

I know it will take a while to come to terms with all this.
She did not respond to me sooner because she did not want to hurt me. She knew I would be very heartbroken.

What kills me is that I feel responsible for her no longer being a part of the forum community we found each other on. (It wasn't a dating site, just a word games forum.)
She had some really good friends on that website. But now, her family wants her off the internet so she can learn to walk again. I wonder if it's all because of me. Not that I'm a bad influence, but just that I was taking too much of her time....
I wonder if she hadn't met me, would she still be a member of the website, still talking with her other friends?

I'm seriously feeling guilty about all of this.




I decided to take a long walk today. I needed some fresh air to clear my head.

I wish I could say my walk was good.
I walked to the grocery store that's 4 miles away and got a chicken sandwich, then walked to the park to eat.
There's a small bridge crossing a river, and I thought about a quote a new friend of mine shared with me, "Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known." I just watched the water flowing for a minute.

I took a different route home, which was a bad idea. It's a long stretch of road that has no sidewalk. (This is not a pedestrian-friendly place.)
I was walking on the side of the road, and slipped on my rear onto some ice and mud.
I didn't get hurt, but it really set me off. For some reason, when I got out of the area, I remembered a song my ex shared with me when we started talking. I started singing it to myself.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only do the same..."

And then I got to this lyric:

"But now you've left me, and love another
You have shattered all of my dreams."

I was a nervous wreck. I started crying, like full-on tears. My nose was running. My kingdom for a tissue.

Kat,
You might or might not be there yet, but watch out for the anger if it comes. I can tell you from experience that it can creep up on you and eat away at you until you aren't the same person you were. The forum may be enough for you, but if you find that the depression is getting worse or you are having bouts of anger, get yourself in to a therapist. Sooner than later.

Giving everything you have to a relationship and then having it fall apart because you had to be who you really are is a double whammy. If I had to do it again, there are so many things I would have changed, but I'd hate to see you go down that road. Sometimes time is enough, sometimes not.

sam1234

I appreciate all your words of advice. Really, I do.

I believe the worst of it is over. I spent all day yesterday putting my feelings to words. I wrote a long letter addressed to my  ex and put it in a place nobody will ever read it.

Writing is just what I needed.  While reviewing what I put down, I learned a few things about myself, what I should have done differently. I started seeing what I must have looked like to her. I started thinking we weren't compatible at all.
I'm kind of glad we broke up, to be honest.

Long nights without her have taught me to be strong.
In the end, I think we are both stronger people for having known each other.
Our relationship was just a practice one before the real thing.

This morning, after feeling well rested, I actually smiled and sighed in relief that it's over.

Regardless of how good or bad the relationship is, I think there is always that bit of relief after it is over and done with. Sometimes it takes a long time to decide, and that period can really be stressful. I'm glad you found that writing out your feelings helped, and you know that we will always be here. Good luck.

sam1234