So I am a straight female in a relationship with a FTM. We have been together for over 3 years and I knew he was a FTM right after we started dating but I gave him the chance as he is a wonderful person and I loved everything else about him.

Recently I have been struggling intensely with missing parts of the male anatomy that he just does not have. I love him and while of course our relationship takes work above what perhaps a "normal" relationship may take that doesn't mean I am wanting to be done. We try to work on the testosterone side effects with anger issues together and get through them when they happen. I am missing have sex with someone with male genitalia rather than using a strap-on. Sorry to be semi-"graphic". I don't want to give up on our relationship but I don't know how to get past this or how to get past it for the rest of my life. Do I bring up the desire for an option relationship? I don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to not be with him either.

I appreciate any feedback or thoughts.

Telling him this would probably make him feel demasculated. It would for me. Is your sex life good apart from this? Maybe there's something else you could try to make it more interesting. Sorry, don't have much sex experience. There are realistic strap ons you can buy, but they're expensive. I think you should think of all the stuff I've mentioned then discuss it with him if all else fails. If he didn't want bottom surgery before then he may want it if you discuss this with him. Sorry I haven't been much help.

Could you elaborate a bit what you are missing ?

Would it help if he was more dominant, more assertive in the bedroom ?

And, well, there is more than only penetration... many pairs for example use powerful vibrators, which with or without a strapon can lead to very pleasurable experiences...

Seeking advice,

It's all about communication. 

I have been with my husband for 10 years now. 

You need to look at the future and work back. 

Discussions and lots of holding with tears are all expected and needed.

Question I asked myself years ago is a few hrs a week a deal breaker for all the other time we enjoy each others company.?

With that said.

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Hugs

seekingadvice, I think you hit on major problem for us guys knowing how to satisfy are women. I know many on them would like penetration. Mrs izzy and Laura_7 hit it probably correctly saying communication can sure go a long way to working things out between you two.

Quote from: Elis on March 22, 2015, 03:59:38 PM
Telling him this would probably make him feel demasculated. It would for me. Is your sex life good apart from this? Maybe there's something else you could try to make it more interesting. Sorry, don't have much sex experience. There are realistic strap ons you can buy, but they're expensive. I think you should think of all the stuff I've mentioned then discuss it with him if all else fails. If he didn't want bottom surgery before then he may want it if you discuss this with him. Sorry I haven't been much help.

That is what I was worried about. I know that him feeling whole is very important and I don't want to hurt him in that way. Our sex life is... mediocre at times but not terrible. We went through a period of him having issues getting his testosterone and because of that he had no sex drive at all. Then we went through a period of me having issues with myself and my sex drive being really low. Both of those issues have been sorted out but we still haven't really gotten back on the same page connecting sexually. He has definitely considered bottom surgery but he has also recently started his own business and taking the time off for surgery recovery would not be an easy option at this point.

Quote from: Laura_7 on March 22, 2015, 04:10:51 PM
Could you elaborate a bit what you are missing ?

Would it help if he was more dominant, more assertive in the bedroom ?

And, well, there is more than only penetration... many pairs for example use powerful vibrators, which with or without a strapon can lead to very pleasurable experiences...

I can elaborate on what I feel I am missing - I was just trying to keep things... PG13 lol. When we do have sex we use a strap on and I do orgasm (with assistance but that's no different from being with him or a different man previously). I miss pretty much everything about an actual penis and sex. I miss the hard on aspects of seeing a man respond to me. I miss the feel (not just as in penetration but also as in touching it). I was a fairly sexual person before we got together and I'm not gonna lie - I love everything about a penis. When we got together - I enjoyed him for who he is as a person but this was a new thing for me obviously and I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal... a few years in I am realizing that maybe to me - it may be.

Quote from: seekingadvice on March 22, 2015, 06:19:38 PM
I can elaborate on what I feel I am missing - I was just trying to keep things... PG13 lol. When we do have sex we use a strap on and I do orgasm (with assistance but that's no different from being with him or a different man previously). I miss pretty much everything about an actual penis and sex. I miss the hard on aspects of seeing a man respond to me. I miss the feel (not just as in penetration but also as in touching it). I was a fairly sexual person before we got together and I'm not gonna lie - I love everything about a penis. When we got together - I enjoyed him for who he is as a person but this was a new thing for me obviously and I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal... a few years in I am realizing that maybe to me - it may be.

Then unfortunately, having male genitalia turned out to be a dealbreaker for you and there's no way he can get that under the circumstances. 
If all else fails from what has been said in this thread, maybe it might be time to start separating.

Quote from: mrs izzy on March 22, 2015, 05:25:48 PM
Seeking advice,

It's all about communication. 

I have been with my husband for 10 years now. 

You need to look at the future and work back. 

Discussions and lots of holding with tears are all expected and needed.

Question I asked myself years ago is a few hrs a week a deal breaker for all the other time we enjoy each others company.?

Thanks for the welcome - I was happy to come upon these forums as I figured what a great way to find support.

I won't lie; we have struggled with communication in our relationship as he is not very good at expressing himself and usually keeps something in until he just kind of snaps. I admit to not being the best at doing the same thing as well but I'm more the "silent" kind of person.

We are yin & yang in so many ways and struggle through a lot of things in our relationship because of that and I'm trying to figure out how to keep this going without hurting myself or him. I'm 32, we have been together for 3 years and it's starting to get to the point where it's either a) commit to making a life together like starting a family, or b) decide if I can't do it forever and make that next move

So confusing. And no matter what, in any aspect, I do not want to hurt him. He has been through so much in his life as I am sure you all understand, and I don't want to be yet one more thing to hurt him.

Quote from: DragonBeer on March 22, 2015, 06:25:06 PM
Then unfortunately, having male genitalia turned out to be a dealbreaker for you and there's no way he can get that under the circumstances. 
If all else fails from what has been said in this thread, maybe it might be time to start separating.

Trying to piece together all the emotions and everything that goes with it all doesn't make it an easy choice. I'm faced with deciding can I spend forever missing that aspect and accept it or do I break both our hearts.

Quote from: seekingadvice on March 22, 2015, 06:19:38 PM
I can elaborate on what I feel I am missing... When we do have sex we use a strap on and I do orgasm (with assistance but that's no different from being with him or a different man previously). I miss pretty much everything about an actual penis and sex. I miss the hard on aspects of seeing a man respond to me. I miss the feel (not just as in penetration but also as in touching it). I was a fairly sexual person before we got together and I'm not gonna lie - I love everything about a penis. When we got together - I enjoyed him for who he is as a person but this was a new thing for me obviously and I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal... a few years in I am realizing that maybe to me - it may be.

There can be something raw between a man and a woman... for example women tend to be more emotional...
you could tell him to be a bit more raw, its possible he is just exploring that part of his personality now...

well you are comparing... experiences with him could be different yet at least equally satisfying.
You might make up with technique, leading to multiple orgasms...
you might try clit stimulation first, then stimulation of the gspot... there are a few positions where the gspot is better stimulated.
Girl riding position, or putting a pillow under the buttocks of the girl so that the pelvis is tilted might be good positions...
you might even try pressed stimulation of the cervix area, not bumping but circling motions...

you could try a strapon size you like, and quite solid and quality material... many say look and feel is almost natural... 
and there are strapless strapons where he is stimulated as well... some people use panties to keep it better in place...
or there are vibrators for strapons...


concerning talking, I'd say this could be a way to bring you closer together... opening up some and talking about fantasies and what really moves you... working it out together.
Its understandable he has some restraints, but you might really talk it out... also about your fears, and your wishes.... really deep communication... speaking in general here, not only in the bedroom... it might help both of you, to understand each other, and maybe to find some kind of compromise...

hugs

I wish I had advice to offer, but I do have sympathy - I'm married to a trans woman, meaning I actually used to have access to an organic penis (and she was perfectly happy to use it until she decided to transition) which is now gone. I've decided I can live with the sacrifice because I can't imagine living *without* the person who's been my partner since we were 17 years old, but I can absolutely understand if you realize that this is something you can't do without. It's awful for both of you in that case, but it's not a choice on your part and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

What works for some people doesn't work for everyone, but here's my take: Having male genitalia may be a requirement for you. This is ok, and it's not your fault. But it doesn't mean it has to be a deal breaker. If you really love everything else about the relationship, and still enjoy the sex you can have, but it's not 100% of what you need, you need to explore your options and what matters to you. Society has told us our whole lives that there is one person out there who we are 100% compatible with, but society also tells us that there are two genders and they're determined by the genitalia that you are born with you. If you're here right now, that means that you're willing to consider that society isn't always right about these things. You mentioned thinking about an open relationship in your initial post, and it's not actually a bad thing. I know quite a few people who have made it work rather successfully in all sorts of scenarios. It's about being willing to let go of preconceived notions about relationships and build one from scratch together. It's hard, but it's not all bad.

If your relationship provides 90% of what you need and want, it can be very sad to walk away from that in hopes that there will be something better. Yes, it is emasculating and painful to hear. But I think it would have been more difficult and emasculating to find out that my partner left me and gave up on everything awesome that we had because they didn't think *I* could deal with discussing difficult things. And there are any number of reasons that a couple might not be completely sexually compatible that aren't exclusively anatomy related, sexuality is complicated.

I am FTM and in a committed open relationship with a primary partner. If you want to talk more about how it works specifically, or anything about it, feel free to ask or PM. I will warn that it is difficult and requires *a lot* of communication, you need to understand what you're getting into and it's not something to bring up lightly. At the same time, I'm not convinced that monogamy is any easier and frankly, people should be a lot more concerned about diving headfirst into it than they are. I highly recommend the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino if you're even thinking about it.

If you decide not to go that route, it also doesn't mean you do or don't have to leave him. Sometimes, you choose to be with someone who isn't the greatest sexual match because everything else is worth it. And sometimes you stick out tough patches where none of it's good because you know it is worth it. And sometimes, it's not worth it. I don't really know how you decide, I renew my decision every day. I also want to point out that there is a good chance all of the "happy couples" you look to and wish your relationship was more like theirs, they're not perfect either. Relationships are hard. For everyone. For different reasons.

Quote from: seekingadvice on March 22, 2015, 06:26:50 PM

Quote from: mrs izzy on March 22, 2015, 05:25:48 PM
Seeking advice,

It's all about communication. 

I have been with my husband for 10 years now. 

You need to look at the future and work back. 

Discussions and lots of holding with tears are all expected and needed.

Question I asked myself years ago is a few hrs a week a deal breaker for all the other time we enjoy each others company.?

Thanks for the welcome - I was happy to come upon these forums as I figured what a great way to find support.

I won't lie; we have struggled with communication in our relationship as he is not very good at expressing himself and usually keeps something in until he just kind of snaps. I admit to not being the best at doing the same thing as well but I'm more the "silent" kind of person.

We are yin & yang in so many ways and struggle through a lot of things in our relationship because of that and I'm trying to figure out how to keep this going without hurting myself or him. I'm 32, we have been together for 3 years and it's starting to get to the point where it's either a) commit to making a life together like starting a family, or b) decide if I can't do it forever and make that next move

So confusing. And no matter what, in any aspect, I do not want to hurt him. He has been through so much in his life as I am sure you all understand, and I don't want to be yet one more thing to hurt him.

What I hear it is more to the story then just intimate contact. 

You need to sit him down and talk about communication and give the outcomes if it can not be accomplished.

My husband just recently had his phallo so you need to know we struggled for all these years over something due to Gd.  I had vagioplastie 2 years ago and I am in love with the person over the need for natural contact. 

I would love to have a normal relationship but what is normal?  As I found love is special and can overcome obstacles if both are committed. 

Guess you need to find inside if you still hold that commitment along with him.  I bet he is is also struggling on the future with surgeries.  For the men it's a huge destructive process to get there Gd under control.

Lots of luck.

Hugs

Quote from: RomeoEcho on March 23, 2015, 08:58:39 AM
What works for some people doesn't work for everyone, but here's my take: Having male genitalia may be a requirement for you. This is ok, and it's not your fault. But it doesn't mean it has to be a deal breaker. If you really love everything else about the relationship, and still enjoy the sex you can have, but it's not 100% of what you need, you need to explore your options and what matters to you. Society has told us our whole lives that there is one person out there who we are 100% compatible with, but society also tells us that there are two genders and they're determined by the genitalia that you are born with you. If you're here right now, that means that you're willing to consider that society isn't always right about these things. You mentioned thinking about an open relationship in your initial post, and it's not actually a bad thing. I know quite a few people who have made it work rather successfully in all sorts of scenarios. It's about being willing to let go of preconceived notions about relationships and build one from scratch together. It's hard, but it's not all bad.

If your relationship provides 90% of what you need and want, it can be very sad to walk away from that in hopes that there will be something better. Yes, it is emasculating and painful to hear. But I think it would have been more difficult and emasculating to find out that my partner left me and gave up on everything awesome that we had because they didn't think *I* could deal with discussing difficult things. And there are any number of reasons that a couple might not be completely sexually compatible that aren't exclusively anatomy related, sexuality is complicated.

I am FTM and in a committed open relationship with a primary partner. If you want to talk more about how it works specifically, or anything about it, feel free to ask or PM. I will warn that it is difficult and requires *a lot* of communication, you need to understand what you're getting into and it's not something to bring up lightly. At the same time, I'm not convinced that monogamy is any easier and frankly, people should be a lot more concerned about diving headfirst into it than they are. I highly recommend the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino if you're even thinking about it.

If you decide not to go that route, it also doesn't mean you do or don't have to leave him. Sometimes, you choose to be with someone who isn't the greatest sexual match because everything else is worth it. And sometimes you stick out tough patches where none of it's good because you know it is worth it. And sometimes, it's not worth it. I don't really know how you decide, I renew my decision every day. I also want to point out that there is a good chance all of the "happy couples" you look to and wish your relationship was more like theirs, they're not perfect either. Relationships are hard. For everyone. For different reasons.

Thanks very much for your response. I would be interested in talking more one-on-one with you. I tried to pm you but because I am still considered "visitor status" I cannot initiate a PM but I believe I can reply if I receive one. Would you be able to send me a PM?

Quote from: seekingadvice on March 23, 2015, 09:57:07 AM
Thanks very much for your response. I would be interested in talking more one-on-one with you. I tried to pm you but because I am still considered "visitor status" I cannot initiate a PM but I believe I can reply if I receive one. Would you be able to send me a PM?

Thanks for sending me the message but I guess it doesn't let me reply either - all I can do is view it. I will have to make another 8 posts or so I guess to get to the next level before we can have a conversation.

Quote from: mrs izzy on March 23, 2015, 09:42:17 AM
What I hear it is more to the story then just intimate contact. 
You need to sit him down and talk about communication and give the outcomes if it can not be accomplished.
My husband just recently had his phallo so you need to know we struggled for all these years over something due to Gd.  I had vagioplastie 2 years ago and I am in love with the person over the need for natural contact. 
I would love to have a normal relationship but what is normal?  As I found love is special and can overcome obstacles if both are committed. 
Guess you need to find inside if you still hold that commitment along with him.  I bet he is is also struggling on the future with surgeries.  For the men it's a huge destructive process to get there Gd under control.
Lots of luck.

Hugs

Thanks Mrs Izzy. I appreciate all of the feedback. I am so thankful for having found this forum.

Quote from: blueconstancy on March 23, 2015, 07:41:22 AM
I wish I had advice to offer, but I do have sympathy - I'm married to a trans woman, meaning I actually used to have access to an organic penis (and she was perfectly happy to use it until she decided to transition) which is now gone. I've decided I can live with the sacrifice because I can't imagine living *without* the person who's been my partner since we were 17 years old, but I can absolutely understand if you realize that this is something you can't do without. It's awful for both of you in that case, but it's not a choice on your part and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Thanks. It's so nice to have found a place to be able to talk openly about this with people who understand and are having similar experiences. This is not something I can just go to any one of my friends for advice on. He has chosen to not make it public knowledge of his transition and I respect his choice so therefore, none of my friends actually know. Makes it hard sometimes when you need someone to talk to.

Well, if there is anything you are ok asking publicly, we could start here until you can respond. It can be difficult because it's not a mainstream scenario and there can be a lot of criticism to it. The most important thing is that there is a very big difference between informed and consensual non-monogamy and cheating. The second most important thing is communication. If you aren't ready to talk about it, you aren't ready to do it. But I think that should be a relationship rule in general.

Quote from: RomeoEcho on March 23, 2015, 11:03:26 AM
Well, if there is anything you are ok asking publicly, we could start here until you can respond. It can be difficult because it's not a mainstream scenario and there can be a lot of criticism to it. The most important thing is that there is a very big difference between informed and consensual non-monogamy and cheating. The second most important thing is communication. If you aren't ready to talk about it, you aren't ready to do it. But I think that should be a relationship rule in general.

Thanks RomeoEcho. It's nice to find someone who is on the other side of the situation I am in (a FTM) and in an open relationship already. I realize it's not exactly something a lot of society accepts but from the way I look at it - unfortunately, a lot of society doesn't accept transgender people yet in the first place and to that I say screw them.
I downloaded the ebook version of the book you mentioned to give that a read as any help would be appreciated. Thank you for the suggestion.
I guess I am afraid to even bring up the topic with him. Like you said it can be emasculating and hurtful and I am afraid of the response I may get. If he is not open to that idea - that may not be something we can ever come back from.
Do you mind if I ask who initiated the conversation in your relationship? You or your partner?