I am so sick of seeing man junk on my body. I would be in front of the mirror with the butcher knife if didn't have better judgement. I love dressing up, but Mr. Ugly always seems to ruin the day. I am very angry at G-d for allowing me to be made this way. I have two other trans friends. One says he doesn't have bottom dysphoria and the other says she learned to accept herself. I feel like I am alone in my own trans community. ,They seem to be fine with their bottoms I hate mine. I have been deprived of so much joy in my life because i can't stand my own body. I had bottom dysphoria before i even knew what was going on with me. My damn T-factories seem like their too big to tuck and will be uncomfortable because i have to move around all day. I want surgery, but even then i will never have the joy of having my own children. There is sperm banking, but the thought of being a biological father makes me want to puke. This process feels so slow, I'm only 5 hours into electro, no hrt, no voice training, no training on mannerisms. it is unfair i am not a girl who realized it her whole life and was able to avoid male puberty and get bottom surgery at 18, It is even more unfair that i was not born a cis-female without these issues in the first place.

Over time I've learned how to dress myself, change my clothes and underwear, use the toilet, shower & etc without looking at or seeing what I regard as my deformity.  I am very dysphoric and always have been so learning these daily routines has been a matter of survival for me.  Mirrors are out unless I'm wearing knickers or I'm otherwise covered and if I have to do anything to the 'wart' in the way of personal hygiene my eyes are always closed.

When I started out I often felt desperate enough to want to perform self surgery, but having worked in a medical environment I can tell you that's a really bad idea.  Blood loss will be massive and folk have bleed to death through cutting the thing off themselves.  I can honestly tell you that it's normal to feel as if the process of getting rid of facial and other hair, being approved for HRT and all the other hoops that the medical folk put us through is taking too long.  It's very important for you to find ways of keeping yourself safe and to set in place strategies to stay safe when everything is going egg shaped and you're not coping.
When I was having a rough time I'd pull my facial hair out with tweezers and focus all my anger and annoyance on every stray hair I could find.  It might sound an odd thing to do, but it worked for me.

Hey now keep your chin up and remember that there is plenty of support here for you on this forum.

It seems like there are a lot of ups and downs in my life, but the bottom issue never fails to turn what should be a happy moment in my transition into a moment of sadness by making realize that I am so far away from simply having the right body. I want to be able look in the mirror and not cringe.

Many of us havd some level of disphoria about what's below the belt. Mine has actually gotten worse since starting transition. But I thing that's because it feels even more out of place now than ever, its a slow process but it is worth it at the end. I know I feel a but cheated by life at times but the only options seem to be move forward or wallow in self loathing. It can be hard but the alternative to me is worse... Things will get better.

Hope is what is holding me together. Whenever the dysphoria hits, sometimes after some crying, i just remind myself that I am now on a road to correcting my birth defect. And the thing down there has gotten me down since I was a kid, before puberty. Sometimes even the smell gets me and sends me down emotionally. One of my biggest hopes with hrt is the change in pheromones. But like Lady Smith said, you just have to learn to avoid seeing it as much as possible. I still have a week or two before the start of hrt and am having to wait on hair removal (money is tight) so right now I just console myself with the things I need. Just bought a new purple women's raincoat to replace my black men's one. I also have mpb to contend with, but again, I'm just trying to be patient, hopeful and constructive...so I got a couple new hats!

A ton of us have been in the same boat, ready to just be done with that thing and ready to use violence against ourselves. But that could kill you at the worst and at it's best it won't get you where you need to be. Hrt will shrink, de stink and diminish! The sooner that starts for me the better because then the road to surgery will have begun and I can rest easy with that on my horizon.

When it gets me down I will remind it that it had better watch out because it's time is running short!