So, it's been a couple years since I came out to all my friends, and for the most part, they've done a great job of adjusting. There have even been a few surprises...ex-girlfriends that couldn't talk to me before are suddenly adding me on facebook, asking to put any bad blood behind us. People who bullied me in school are suddenly messaging me, saying they're sorry, if they'd had a clue that gender dysphoria was among my list of problems they would have backed off way sooner. One friend practically threw a party because she'd always wanted a trans friend. A little weird, but I'll take what I can get.

But then...there are the cismale friends, the ones that knew me as Kyle (gag!) long before they knew me as Julia. They do their best, but...they're struggling harder than I feel they should be at this point in time. There's only three of them, and these men have been like brothers to me for over a decade now. But they're still misgendering me on an almost daily basis. I haven't seen any of these men since I graduated back in 2009, so I realize that maybe it's just a matter of them needing to see it in person, but still...how do I tell them they're really grating on my nerves without sounding like a jerk? These three men have put their butts on the line multiple times for my sake...they have literally bled for me. I got bullied a lot in school, and those three always seemed to be there when I would get overpowered by a bully. They've taken more hits for me than I think most people can say, and I intend to keep them in my life forever, but...how do I make them understand that I need a little more of an effort? Family aside, they're the only three people that haven't completely made the adjustment to me being a woman.

It's hard to say. I would give them time, but try at some point to draw a parallel between their misgendering you and what the kids who used to bully you were doing. There is no doubt that both hurt and they don't realize that. It's true it's different than the bulling, but just as untollerable as the bulling was to you. Obviously they were not around you for awhile and clearly don't know where everything came from so I do hope your able to find away to convey to them why your transitioning in a way that hopefully it will help them understand why misgendgering is so hurt full. Tell them that by gendering you correctly, in your prefered gender, as you would like them to do that they are in many ways still doing exactly what they were doing before when they were protecting except they don't have punch anybody in the face to protect and stand up for you this time. Remember this is a lot for anyone to interilize. How each person handles it and how long it takes will very. I know for my friends and family it has and then of course some just don't get it, but if they care enough they will. Good Luck and Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: StrykerXIII on March 23, 2015, 09:29:23 PM
So, it's been a couple years since I came out to all my friends, and for the most part, they've done a great job of adjusting. There have even been a few surprises...ex-girlfriends that couldn't talk to me before are suddenly adding me on facebook, asking to put any bad blood behind us. People who bullied me in school are suddenly messaging me, saying they're sorry, if they'd had a clue that gender dysphoria was among my list of problems they would have backed off way sooner. One friend practically threw a party because she'd always wanted a trans friend. A little weird, but I'll take what I can get.

But then...there are the cismale friends, the ones that knew me as Kyle (gag!) long before they knew me as Julia. They do their best, but...they're struggling harder than I feel they should be at this point in time. There's only three of them, and these men have been like brothers to me for over a decade now. But they're still misgendering me on an almost daily basis. I haven't seen any of these men since I graduated back in 2009, so I realize that maybe it's just a matter of them needing to see it in person, but still...how do I tell them they're really grating on my nerves without sounding like a jerk? These three men have put their butts on the line multiple times for my sake...they have literally bled for me. I got bullied a lot in school, and those three always seemed to be there when I would get overpowered by a bully. They've taken more hits for me than I think most people can say, and I intend to keep them in my life forever, but...how do I make them understand that I need a little more of an effort? Family aside, they're the only three people that haven't completely made the adjustment to me being a woman.

Be honest don't call a spade a shovel, but a spade, well in my hands just something else you can swing and hit with. Be straight with them and tell them how you feel about them taking so long

Tell them you are Julia you have always been Julia, never the Kyle the thought they knew. Sometimes patience is needed and a face to face talk, explaining how important this means for them to be there for you can help people see things more correctly.  But (straight talk coming slight trigger involved) if they start saying you are always Kyle you will never be a Julia. Or maybe if you wore a dress I would get your pronouns correctly, be prepared to kick them to the curb. (Our shoulders will be here if that happens)

Obviously they're your friends so we can't say how much slack to give them. But usually by being calm and prepared to face the question face to face turns people's little (but to us hugely important) mistakes around

Some people instinctively look past gender to see the person within.

But for others gender isn't just a major factor informing how they interact and feel about someone, it's the ONLY factor.

It may be your friends fit in that category. Unbeknownst to you, they didn't see you as StrykerXIII, they saw you as a male. When you show them that you're not really male, it isn't just an adjustment. It's an entirely new person to them, someone they may not feel a connection to.

people come around in their own time.  They bled for you, so maybe you can hang in there with them and not pressure them too much.  Just don't be surprised when you all look back on it in a few years and they insist they were there for you right from day 1.  Sometimes it takes a while, but it's always a mistake to insist on a timeframe for acceptance. 

I had a friend who seemed to have more difficulty accepting me than others. He became very awkward in my presence, and often seemed to frame any discussion about my transition with how I needed to accommodate him and anyone else. I couldn't talk to him about any problems because any issue I had automatically became 'trans problems' and all of a sudden he wasn't as responsive to my emails or texts, unless of course he wanted something from me.

I think at the end of the day it was just something he didn't feel comfortable with. Given that he's always made it clear how distasteful he finds gay people, I think the friendship was bound to fail.

There's always an argument for giving people time, but there will come the point when you might find that they'll never get there, and they are just holding you back from being you.