I just finished Donna Rose's book "Wrapped in Blue". It was nice to hear annother story about TSism but for me it again glossed over the period I call 'Anytime'.

Anytime was that dreadfull period in my life that I could of ended my life 'anytime'. Someone saying something wrong to me all anything really and I would of chosen a truck or bus to walk in front of and do a 'Bull Charge' just to ensure there was no turning back. During that period there where so many ways to commit suicide I had plenty of choices. I must say that I had been thinking about suicide for 6 months before I really snapped - but that period in my life was so full of anguish I did not think I would get through.

I am just dissapointed that this type of period did not come out in her book. It is important for others to understand how deep the feeling is and how much of a mark that leaves on our lives (I still hate thinking back to that period). I know it is probably hard for people to talk about but it is so important that it is put out in the open.

Alice

I'll have to agree with you Alice.  I'm speaking in generalized terms here, but I think a lot of us always kept that option in the back of our minds.  That's another big thing of what most people don't understand.  That we have a rather large struggle inside of ourselves to try to live to socities standards, only to eventually drive us crazy enough to either change or kill ourselves, what I think for the most part.  If people could somehow grasp that concept about us, it might make a different.

Although, I highly doubt that, since most people are close minded and don't understand anything besides themselves.

Well I tried that "Anytime" Twice, but I am glad I never suceeded.

It is a difficult thing to put into words, confusion, guilt, jealousy, despair, hate, self loathing.....Just about every negative emotion goes into this at times and there are periods when it seems easier to leave it all behind than face up to the challenges of the unknown.

It is sometimes only when you stare into the blackness of the abyss, that you find lives true meaning and take decisons that will change your life forever, for some that meaning is to end the suffering, for others (like me) it is to step back from the edge of existence and take that leap of faith towards hopefully a better life.

Rebecca

I feel very sad about this - the depresion almost drive me to an early grave - and I would of done that if I had not already had a working relashionship with my doctor and cousellor.

Yes there are so may bad emotions arround at the time. I know I was scared. I know I did not want to make that fateful trip to Thialand to have the surgery and change my whole life. I still thought I was a guy at the time - little did I now.

While she did not say it in her story - Donna says it about another TS person whos name was Kate. Kate did not want to feel like an outsider or a freak for the whole of her life - but in the end the emotions where to strong.

That is my only want - not to feel like a freak.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on November 11, 2007, 11:14:30 PM
That is my only want - not to feel like a freak.

Alice

We all focus on that one time or another, freak, outcast, shunned by society to live a life of isolation, but transition is analagous to a butterfly emerging from the Chrysalis state.

The changes both physical, emotional are substantial, what you start with, see and dislike on a daily basis is not what you end up with. Worst fears are not realized, all the paranoia you started off with just becomes a distant memory.

8 years ago, this fat, ugly guy, who considered themselves to tall, to big and to ugly, decided that the pain of facing depression, self loathing and hate on a daily basis was to much to bear. I would have lived as a "freak" to end all that internal pain, even facing up to the worst society could throw at me...... but it never happened.

For freak, now read, happy, contented, well adjusted and confident woman, accepted by society and friends as just that.

Confidence comes from within, the moment you stop thinking of yourself as being something different, is the moment you stop being that freak.

Rebecca

Quote from: Alice on November 11, 2007, 11:14:30 PM
I feel very sad about this - the depresion almost drive me to an early grave - and I would of done that if I had not already had a working relashionship with my doctor and cousellor.

Yes there are so may bad emotions arround at the time. I know I was scared. I know I did not want to make that fateful trip to Thialand to have the surgery and change my whole life. I still thought I was a guy at the time - little did I now.

While she did not say it in her story - Donna says it about another TS person whos name was Kate. Kate did not want to feel like an outsider or a freak for the whole of her life - but in the end the emotions where to strong.

That is my only want - not to feel like a freak.

Alice

Hi, Alice,

For me, feeling freaky is under my control, no one else's.  So far I got what I have been chasing:  to live as the woman I was born to be, even if there was a monumental conflict between the outer body and the female person inside.  I had determined to live that way.  It was my dream and I was *not* willing to allow it to be stolen or stepped-on by *anyone.*  Not giving a hoot for anyone's opinion served me well.

I have never read any of "the books."  I know of Canary Conn and her story.  I had a friend give me a copy of "She's Not There" and it looks nice in the bookcase.  I suppose I never read them because they have nothing to do with my life.  I have always "opened on guts" and I was not to be denied what I believe to be the inestimable gift of having been born transsexual.

I have had recurrent major depression, sleep disturbances, panic attacks, and anxiety attacks for over 30 years but I cannot tie them to Gender Identity Dysphoria or Harry Benjamin Syndrome.  Coming out was my joy and I worried over nothing.

Alice, I realize that this is one woman's experience and that we all traverse this area of our lives in our own individual way.  Please don't take this as anything other than comparing notes with you.  May you have that depression behind you very soon.

Wing Walker
Still Flying By The Seat of My Slacks