Hey guys! So this Thursday, I am giving a presentation to the officers of the Queers and Allies club at my university. It's part of the interview process to be a mentor. Mentors essentially are there for the club members whenever they need to talk or need support for LGBTQIA+ things or just general life things. I'm super excited to be in the running for it, and I really want to do my best to get a spot. I love trying to offer advice to other people or just be there to listen to them when they need it. (I mean, that is part of why I'm on this site after all!) I need to give a 3-5 minute presentation and it can be on any topic I want. I wanted to do something trans-related and a little more in-depth than basic trans-101 type things considering the officers already know that stuff. One of my friends suggested to me doing a little guide for cis people about switching to the proper name and pronouns. So I made a quick thing, and I wanted your guy's advice? If you have any suggestions, disagree with anything, really like a certain point, etc. let me know! I don't really know if this is under 5 minutes or not, it's hard to decide which of this information is most important. But I want it to represent more than just my own feelings, I want other trans peoples' inputs too.

Preferred Name vs Given Name:
- Whenever you are alone with them, always use their preferred name and pronouns.
- If you are not sure if they are out to family & friends and/or do not know which name to use in a certain situation, just ask! They will appreciate your effort to make them comfortable.
- If you are unable to ask, then try to avoid pronoun/name usage- do not out them.
- Preferred names may change for various reasons, just as nicknames change.
- Their 'real' name is their preferred name, not their given one.

Dealing with mistakes:
- We understand that mistakes happen! Even we make mistakes at first. We will forgive you for them.
- Do not make a huge deal out of slip ups.
             - If you draw attention to your mistake, we are more uncomfortable than if you just corrected yourself and continued. You make other people aware of your mistake when you do that.
             - If you do slip up in public, simply correct yourself, then move on. Do not draw attention to it. Do not stop the conversation to apologize.
- Let your actions tell us that you are trying- get it right more than wrong. Make sure to think before you speak. We understand that slip ups will happen, but we want to hear you get it right.

Struggling to make the switch?:
Practice!
- Purposely use their name and pronouns whenever you can. Consciously find times to say them in conversation. Force yourself to think about it whenever you are around them.
- Correct yourself in your thoughts. Whenever you notice yourself thinking the wrong name, give yourself a little mental smack and correct yourself.
- Change their name in your phone- stop seeing their given name and see their preferred name instead. (But ask if it is okay to use their name in texts, their parents may read their texts.)
- Write about them. Even if you keep it to yourself or delete it when you are done, write something about them using the proper name and pronouns as many times as you can.

Come on guys, nobody has any comments?

Well I think it's a good list - I suppose my response to it would be that it may not apply in all cases.

Personally, after I came out to people I told them that while I was still presenting as male I didn't want them using female pronouns or calling me Grace, even if we were alone. To me it just didn't feel right. Also I didn't want to over complicate things by changing gears all the time, I didn't think it was fair on them and I didn't want to erode support by making them feel like they had slipped up. Once I transitioned however it was all or nothing.

I know it seems reasonable for us to say to people "if situation A then use name X/pronouns X; if situation B then use name Y/pronouns Y; if situation C then etc"... but for even the most supportive friends and allies the reasonableness of it starts to fade pretty quickly if it's chopping and changing all the time. From my previous experience I know there's only so far you can drag people through that before they say "bye"!

So I guess my comment on what you are proposing is that it's not a hard and fast rule - plus, sure it is reasonable to us but if we start putting too many requirements on how the people in our lives should interact with us they might start thinking it's easier not to interact with us at all. So yeah, try to keep it as simple as possible.

Ok since you are asking I will share my thoughts, your list is good. my issue is that my triggers and yours may or may not be the same on names gender markers ect. so it is in my opinion important to read peoples reaction and body language to know when the text or nature of a conversation or situation is making someone shutdown or get defensive.
even my therapist have to ask how to refer to me at first, mostly because they realize that there is no text book answer on how to deal with people that fits everyone or every situation, so be aware and considerate, we dont know what hell or heaven the next person just walked through. asking people, reading impact signals, staying calm and polite. respecting me as me not questioning so much or commenting on how hard it must be, this is a blessing from where i came from but do I think everyone I meet needs to know this?
sorry just rambling on with no real answer to your benifet so I will quit here

best of wishes
Jerri

Your list is good though I do worry a bit that it might be too much of a formidable list of rules.  Mostly its about people being considerate and thinking before they speak, - and if they aren't sure asking what they should do.  Presenting your topic in those terms is likely to be more acceptable to your audience.

Back when I was newly qualified as a social worker and working in disability employment I was invited to address a class of social work students on transgender issues.  My approach was to keep it all as real as possible, use a little humor and largely be myself.  It went really well and the students and I had a lot of fun together for three quarters of an hour.

Thank you ladies, I appreciate the feedback I'll make sure to emphasize that it is individual and the best thing to do is ask and read signals.

Have you seen this? Might be helpful.
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/
The difference between gender identity, sex assigned at birth, gender presentation/expression, and sexual orientation are kind of key to knowing what transgender is.

I do Trans 101s. Though they are for an organization that gives me the Power Point. But we always cover this type of info.
The Genderbread person is free, so could be useful.

--Jay

Quote from: aleon515 on March 26, 2015, 01:49:44 AM
Have you seen this? Might be helpful.
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/
The difference between gender identity, sex assigned at birth, gender presentation/expression, and sexual orientation are kind of key to knowing what transgender is.

I do Trans 101s. Though they are for an organization that gives me the Power Point. But we always cover this type of info.
The Genderbread person is free, so could be useful.

--Jay

Hey jay thanks for the suggestion! The reason I'm not doing a trans 101 type thing is simply because this is for the officers of the club and I know they already know the basics of everything. It's a chance to do something a little more specialised. I am definitely not set in stone on my topic choice but I do know 101 isn't the best thing for my audience.

It's interesting they would need trans etiquette if they know the reasons someone might be trans.  The info we do on trans etiquette is:
Don't ask real name (our name is our real name)
not police bathrooms
Us the correct pronouns. If you don't know ask. If you do make a mistake you apologize quickly and go on. It makes people feel worse if you hang on and over apologize.
No comments on "real men or real women"
No comments on genitals or if someone has had "the surgery".

We focus on being a good ally. Things can help being a good ally,
Actively modeling correct gendering. For instance you are out with a trans person and the cis person actively models gendering you correct.

Actively saying things when someone uses words like ->-bleeped-<- and so on.

Educating yourself (might point out some resources).

--Jay

Quote from: CursedFireDean on March 26, 2015, 10:54:23 AM
Hey jay thanks for the suggestion! The reason I'm not doing a trans 101 type thing is simply because this is for the officers of the club and I know they already know the basics of everything. It's a chance to do something a little more specialised. I am definitely not set in stone on my topic choice but I do know 101 isn't the best thing for my audience.

Quote from: aleon515 on March 26, 2015, 02:14:59 PM
It's interesting they would need trans etiquette if they know the reasons someone might be trans.  The info we do on trans etiquette is:
Don't ask real name (our name is our real name)
not police bathrooms
Us the correct pronouns. If you don't know ask. If you do make a mistake you apologize quickly and go on. It makes people feel worse if you hang on and over apologize.
No comments on "real men or real women"
No comments on genitals or if someone has had "the surgery".

We focus on being a good ally. Things can help being a good ally,
Actively modeling correct gendering. For instance you are out with a trans person and the cis person actively models gendering you correct.

Actively saying things when someone uses words like ->-bleeped-<- and so on.

Educating yourself (might point out some resources).

--Jay

It's not really that they need it necessarily, because it's really just as part of my interview, I am sure these things are probably already known, but I figured it would be more interesting than doing something super basic. Thank you Jay, you're suggesting some good things to maybe add.

It's a question we sometimes get asked, how to be a good ally.

--Jay

Quote from: CursedFireDean on March 26, 2015, 05:00:02 PM
It's not really that they need it necessarily, because it's really just as part of my interview, I am sure these things are probably already known, but I figured it would be more interesting than doing something super basic. Thank you Jay, you're suggesting some good things to maybe add.