I know things seem impossibly grim sometimes. We were born into the wrong body, we've been treated as male for much of our lives and expected to act male, we've had testosterone add insult to injury and cruelly distort our bodies. When we try to tell people there's something wrong we're frequently met with hostility, disbelief, rejection. Trying to transition often intensifies those experiences. And to make matters worse many of us often reflect that back on ourselves - we hate on ourselves, hurt ourselves, hold ourselves captive to feelings of lack of worth and disgust, are revolted by our bodies and how we look.

Don't give up hope.

I know it's easy to feel hopeless. Been there myself big time. Plenty of times in the past I've thrown my own personal pity party. Loathed myself. Felt life wasn't worth living. Wished a bus would jump the curb and run me over. Played the "if only I'd been born female" make believe game so many times I was starting to disassociate from reality. Feared how my friends and family would react, how I would be treated in the work place, that I would never pass, that I would be one very obvious and very tall dude in a dress. From all the words I've read on this forum over many months I know many of us feel that way too.

Don't give up hope.

I finally realised the only way to change things for myself was to take control of my life. As insurmountable as the fear of coming out and going full time seemed to be, as real as my worry about rejection from my family was... I knew I had to transition. Despite my concerns of passing and becoming "a joke"... I knew I had to transition. Even though I was a tall, gangly, middle aged, "ugly", balding "dude" I knew I HAD to transition. The pain I felt in my life from being seen and treated as a guy meant that I had to stop the act. I realised I wasn't going to be "pretending to be a woman" but that I would stop pretending to be a man. Twenty one months after starting HRT and a year after going full time, I am so glad I put that crushing fear and doubt aside, I feel more alive now than I ever have. It's like I've taken off whatever was making me numb and miserable and distant and angry. I look in the mirror and see the woman I know I am and I can smile back. I feel gorgeous, I feel sexy, I feel alive. Even though I still have a doodle I know I am the woman I want to be (doesn't mean I won't get it reconfigured at some point though). Yes, I've become estranged from some family members but I have also made so many new friends and become closer to those who stayed with me. I am sociable and able to engage for the first time in my life. I am my true self, I am a woman and I am free.

My dear sisters, don't give up hope.

Great post 

I think sometimes when you are going through something as major as transition, there's a temptation to allow our insecurities and self hatred to overcome us and isolate us. I still struggle with self confidence and body image but a month or so ago I decided to stop putting up barriers for myself and reclaim my life, after a year and a half full time but self confined to my safe places.

Since doing that, I've met new people, had new opportunities open up for me, and even been asked out on a date by a cis woman who has since made it clear she likes me. The hormones are really starting to have more pronounced effects now I'm in my second year, and I feel more comfortable with myself than ever.

I'll still have my self pity parties, things come and go in waves, but sometimes you have to step back and look at what you've achieved.

A wonderful posting Grace    You are quite right we are terrible at beating ourselves up and blaming ourselves over things that are beyond our control and are certainly not our fault.

Thank you, Grace.  That was wonderful.  I know I needed to hear that.

Post deleted and replaced with this.  Honestly, I can be such a moaning dark cloud.

Hi Grace, well timed...
Last few days, with trying to find work; applying and deciding how to apply whether open about who I am, I find myself feeling really down... I need work (income), but I need to be who I am, no more pretending... but then maybe I can't get the work I need to support my transition... (Chicken and egg) so I feel really crap 

And then I start looking critically at myself, who am I kidding? how the hell am I going to survive as a woman... body shape (been at the tape measure after a few years... not what I thought I saw in myself)  ... even more downward pressure   

But I know I have to, Certainly in as shorter time as possible...

Been here before and then tried to ignore and just get on with life, no matter how bad it was..... I can't do that now, wasted most of my life previously.... but I need time, but don't want to take any longer....

so your words are certainly inspiring....

Thanks   

L Katy 

Very good post. A definite boost to morale. Gives me hope that I will eventually be able to live as I was meant to be.

Quote from: katrinaw on March 26, 2015, 07:48:22 AM
Hi Grace, well timed...
Last few days, with trying to find work; applying and deciding how to apply whether open about who I am, I find myself feeling really down... I need work (income), but I need to be who I am, no more pretending... but then maybe I can't get the work I need to support my transition... (Chicken and egg) so I feel really crap 

so your words are certainly inspiring....

'@ Katrinaw ....... I am in a very similar situation. Lost my job a week ago due most likely to being "trans" because it certainly wasn't performance based, I did my job well. Need to work, need income to live and have a roof mine and my families heads, although the soon-to-be ex I could really care less about, but my daughters are my heart string tuggers.

I certainly am feeling very down and depressed right now, even to the point of despair. It's gloomy and dark right now amid the tears from my eyes. I know if I can hold out, better days are to come, but it's getting there.

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 26, 2015, 05:30:29 AM
Don't give up hope.

Don't give up hope.

My dear sisters, don't give up hope.

'@ Ms Grace ...... Very impeccable timing of your post. I needed to read this thread and am only glad I found it when I did. My hope and future are pretty grim right now, for oh some reasons, it's hard to look past the next few minutes without falling deeper into the black hole. I am teetering right now and it's pretty fragile. I am grasping onto some of the last hopes I feel I have, praying things turn soon for the better.

Thank you for the best post I think I've ever read on here!!

Hey, thanks! Glad I could help some people when they needed it most.

I will add that I am currently unemployed myself - took a gamble and took a redundancy in late January to get away from a toxic management and a job I no longer enjoyed doing. The redundancy was large enough to keep me doing OK for several months but it also scuppered my plans around GRS. The irony of having enough time and money now for GRS but not the security of a job is not lost on me - I could get replumbed and recover and use all my money and then not get a job. Not a situation I want to find myself in.

So I am looking for work, not desperately, not yet anyway. Of course, taking a job will probably delay GRS by at least a year while I build up leave. The thing is, even though I've put in several applications, had interviews for about a third but am yet to pick up a job I don't feel discouraged. In fact I find the process of applying for a job, knowing that I am a suitable candidate and that I have the skills and experience makes me feel good about myself. Even though I am yet to be employed I'm not discouraged. Going to interviews as Grace has been a great experience for me, I feel like I can engage much better with the people in the room - I don't mention that I am trans and if they realise they never say anything. If it should transpire that I didn't get a job because I was trans then shame on them, I wouldn't want to work for them anyway.

But I feel good, I feel confident - might be a different story in a few months when the money starts to run out but for now I am hopeful. My motto has become "All will be well" and I believe it. All will be well.

Quote from: Squircle on March 26, 2015, 05:44:03 AM
Great post 

I think sometimes when you are going through something as major as transition, there's a temptation to allow our insecurities and self hatred to overcome us and isolate us. I still struggle with self confidence and body image but a month or so ago I decided to stop putting up barriers for myself and reclaim my life, after a year and a half full time but self confined to my safe places.

Since doing that, I've met new people, had new opportunities open up for me, and even been asked out on a date by a cis woman who has since made it clear she likes me. The hormones are really starting to have more pronounced effects now I'm in my second year, and I feel more comfortable with myself than ever.

I'll still have my self pity parties, things come and go in waves, but sometimes you have to step back and look at what you've achieved.

That's awesome!

Grace, Good luck on the job hunt and I hope you find something soon that is good fit.
Mariah

Amazing post from everyone. It certainly made my day.
Thanks so much Ms. Grace, you're such an inspiration.

I know the job of your dreams is coming soon.

Love and Respect,
April

Good points Grace, we are the ones who control our happiness. No one else will do or can do it for us.

Has anyone noticed how the feeling of speed has entered the realm of transition?

I feel that to many want the brass ring with-out riding the horse that will take them to the place it is located.

I wish there was a fast lane but i have found there are more crashes?

Maybe it is just me?

good luck on the job hunt. I stayed in an extremely toxic job environment for way too long  and it made me ill really ill mentally and physically. glad you took the leap .

I've always used this site more for information than support, but this is just what I needed. I've been non-stop crying all day over my situation with no support network at all in my area and not really being able to leave it either. I don't even have the resources to start a transition and I feel like I need to start, like last year. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up anymore. Not saying I'd do that intentionally. It's just wishful thinking.

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 27, 2015, 12:37:20 AM
I've always used this site more for information than support, but this is just what I needed.

100% in agreement, I gave up hope today and crashed. I have been crying all day, and this post has given me a little light.

Quote from: Emileeeee on March 27, 2015, 12:37:20 AM
I've always used this site more for information than support, but this is just what I needed. I've been non-stop crying all day over my situation with no support network at all in my area and not really being able to leave it either. I don't even have the resources to start a transition and I feel like I need to start, like last year. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up anymore. Not saying I'd do that intentionally. It's just wishful thinking.

Quote from: akegia on March 27, 2015, 12:48:00 AM
100% in agreement, I gave up hope today and crashed. I have been crying all day, and this post has given me a little light.

Hugs to you both. I have definitely been in the same space on more occasions than I care to remember, and yeah it feels totally craptacular.

Quote from: mrs izzy on March 26, 2015, 11:44:40 PM
...we are the ones who control our happiness. No one else will do or can do it for us.

So very true. The trick is to get a handle on how to control it in the first place.

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 27, 2015, 01:26:05 AM
Hugs to you both. I have definitely been in the same space on more occasions than I care to remember, and yeah it feels totally craptacular.

Thank You HUGS

Very nice post, certainly helped to pick me up

Hi Grace,
Enjoy the break and good luck finding your next opportunity 

L Katy

Hi Jenni
I have been incomeless since end of last April, by choice till November... Started planning my full transition then, but was 't thinking I'd still be out of work, had a promise of work from Jan 13, but it all went bad, major comps re-org and operating split if the org... So my planning is NS held up as I need to stretch remaing funds...

Sorry to here you let your job too, hopefully something will pop up for U

Hugs

Katy