Once again here trying to solve the puzzles with the help of other who went through this already. For you who realized late that you were transgender and did not have any sort of experience doing things of the other sex... Did you experienced indirect gender dysphoria?
I do have derealization/depersonalization but I don't know if it could be attributed to anxiety or maybe the fact that I might be transsexual. I do remember looking in the mirror before I had the depersonalization issue and still feeling like if my face was something empty, it's hard to explain. Anyway, since I've started doubting about my gender I've realized that I feel this weird feeling in my throat, like if I wanted to exhale air without opening my mouth or kind of like cough (hard to explain too). Maybe is that all this is making me anxious?
Anyway, I'd appreciate if anyone, even those who shared their past experiences with me tell me how they felt before ! And for those who read me doubts I'm sorry, I just need to do this !

Thanks again !

for me, the anxiety WAS the indirect dysphoria.
when I first realized i was trans, various things in my life made me think transition was neither necessary or perhaps good in my case. I figured, "physicality doesn't matter. I'm a girl up here and that's enough, no matter how people see me." and I started pushing things away a little. partly from having anhealthy upbringing food-wise, and partly from the dysphoria-induced depression, I stopped taking nearly ass good care of myself.

I also started getting more and more nervous, especially around people - I got anxious enough to vomit if I an interview for school/a job, and I was completely unable to speak in front of a group. it kept getting worse and worse until shortly after my decision to find a time to start transition, I ended up having to quit my job because I was having about three panic attacks a week. on the way home, to console myself, I went to target and bought my first dress. I officially started my transition then, and after worries of getting clocked in public passed, my anxiety faded to a level Where I could function. after about a week on HRT, what remained was obliterated. I'm still working on getting my body up to how I'd want it, but I'm finally free to be a person instead of a recluse.

Quote from: needhelp on March 27, 2015, 05:42:23 PM
For you who realized late that you were transgender and did not have any sort of experience doing things of the other sex... Did you experienced indirect gender dysphoria?

Not sure what you mean by indirect dysphoria. I felt an intense feeling that I would be MUCH happier if I could only have gone through life as a woman with a female body. I was able to ignore that feeling throughout most of my life because I knew it was quite impossible to become a woman. I became a husband and father, though I would have preferred to be a mother and a female partner. I loved books, movies and music intended for women, and I tended to have friendships only with women.

Does that help?

I'm not really sure that I understand the term indirect dysphoria either. For me I THOUGHT I was able to suppress things pretty well but I've had strong anxiety since I was very young, often to the point of throwing up and have had a few unexplained panic attacks over the years but I couldn't honestly link those to my dysphoria. I know that when I'm not taking care of myself as a female then I feel worse about life and everything is harder to take.

I knew I wanted to be a girl when I was three. Those are the very first thoughts that I can remember. I did it as soon as I could too. I was a cult member of the LDS faith, went on a mission, was told to get married, and have kids, and this would go away. I did those things and it only got worse. I left my family when my kids were so young... it pulls at my heart still. I felt profound guilt for many years about my marriage. It wasn't fair to her. Yet, they are now productive and happy adults and coming round to me being me.  Needless to say, the church excommunicated me.

For people who develop these feelings later on in life, I can't say much. It was not my experience. In today's society, I'd be on hormone blockers at 12 years old. We are all different and the drive seems to happen at different times for different people. But, if you are trans, you will come to know. It will drive you absolutely nuts until you do something about it.

Cindi

All I can tell you is that when I was little, I was precocious and outgoing. The older I got, the worse my anxiety got. Right along side my growing sense of difference, that something was wrong. Even still the true me was drawn to the stage, creative endeavors and performance. But my self immage was colapsing under the weight of what I now know to be dysphoria. When I went in the closet (after my first blossoming of self acceptance) as a teen it got worse. Even with the crutch of substance abuse. I slowly turned my back on everything that mattered to me because I couldn't accept doing it as a man. My whole life felt like trash. Social events were torture, work was the only place I could function but the dread was always there. Even in these last few years as I have worked on myself, quit drinking and started trying to socialize. I pannicked about having to go home and be around friends. I pannicked about going for coffee with one close friend. I felt shame, embarrassment and anxiety about having even emailed a Bhuddist temple about joining their group. I felt guilty for existing and I was so lonely.  The only solace was long distance walking, a genderless escape from the human world. I also couldn't understand why friends and colleagues never stopped saying they enjoyed my company and wished that I would hang out. That's what finally pushed me to just accept who I am. The dysphoric torture came from everywhere, directly from my body and indirectly from the world. It manifested in my behaviours but also physically in ulcers and other psychosomatic problems.

For me there is no option, I have to transition...

Quote from: marikvulpina on March 27, 2015, 07:20:35 PM
for me, the anxiety WAS the indirect dysphoria.

Same here.  The anxiety for me started around age 12, when other kids would point out or make fun of my involuntary feminine behavior.   From then on, the distance  between my female gender and increasingly male appearance caused more and more anxiety.   I really believe they were connected, because I was able to stop all my anti-anxiety medication as soon as I was on HRT for about 6 weeks.  Then again, HRT has a calming effect, so it could have just been some kind of intolerance to testosterone. 

So for all you galls the dysphoria was actually from wanting to be a woman and not being able to at the time?

And indirect gender dysphoria is having anxiety issues such as de personalization and de realization created by wanting to be the other sex (but nnt knowing it). For me I thought it happened due to plain anxiety.. but I m starting to realize that mt anxiety came out of nowhere for no reason. . However when I was 16. De realization and de personalization symptoms came out of nowhere and never knew why. Hasn't gone away.