Hello everyone!
Well...here goes.
My name is Breanna, I am a 32 y/o MTF transsexual. It took my a long time to be able to say the last part of that statement, though I've known it for as long as I can remember. When I was 4 years old I knew I wasn't supposed to be a boy but like so many, didn't know how and was too scared to say anything. I had a very difficult time identifying with boy things growing up. At home when my father wasn't around I would play with dolls and engage in girlish behavior. My mom was always supportive in what I did. All of my best friends were girls when I was growing up. I could so easily identify with them and found it much easier to be myself around them. At school I was frequently teased and bullied because I was different, though nobody could really put their finger on exactly HOW I was different. My teachers used to like to say I was gentle and caring. I can remember being depressed on photo days and special event days when the girls got to be so pretty and I felt so left out.
As time went on I tried to build a male persona to match how I looked on the outside and while I was fairly successful in this, it only made the feelings inside hurt more. When puberty arrived I became extremely depressed at the changes in my body and envious of what was happening to all of the girls. It was around this time that I turned to crossdressing as an outlet for my feelings. While this helped some, it didn't solve anything.
At age 20 I discovered the internet. Before the days of graphics! It was here that I discovered a newgroup about transgendered people and that I wasn't alone in the world! Armed with this information I decided that I needed to tell my parents about my crossdressing, but not about my gender confusion. Still not an easy task. My mom was very understanding, having allowed me to do girlish things when I was young. She said she had always known about the 'girl in me' and would be there for me. My father said, and I quote exactly, "Well, there are a million worse things you could be doing." I also told my closest friends, who were all very understanding.
It was also at this time that I met a very special girl whom I entered into a relationship with. I told her about my inner feelings right at the beginning and she was ok with it...this relationship continues to this day.
At age 22 I needed to find other local people like me. After much searching I found a few...and together we started a TG support group here which is still around today. Finding others who I could really talk to about myself was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Things continued fairly well for the next few years until I was about 26. It was at this point where the crossdressing just wasn't enough anymore, and the desire to become my true self was extremely strong. I knew where this path would take me, and it terrified me so much that I forcefully buried that part of myself.
Believing those feelings to be gone forever I threw myself into my career and became very successful. Acquired everything one would usually hope for in a normal life: good job, house, a loving parter... But for everything I acquired there was always something missing. A giant void. And no matter what "stuff" I filled it with I could never find true contentment or peace. In fact the more things I acquired, the less happy I became.
I continued to live this life until one day the feelings all came rushing back, and back hard! Like slamming into a brick wall at full speed. Every thought and feeling I'd ever had about who I really was came at me from every direction and I was powerless to do anything about it. It was here that I knew I couldn't deny myself anymore. If I continued living as I was, I would most certainly die young and miserable. So I had to make a choice...die miserable, or try to become the person I've always been on the inside. Sure I may still die miserable...but at least I will have tried and won't be living with the regret of not having done so.
I came out to pretty much everyone. My close friends from before who knew about the crossdressing, my new friends and my parents. So far I haven't lost a single friend to this and my parents have been amazing. My mom even went to far as to ask why it took me so long to decide to do this. She said she always knew I wanted to be a girl. Even my father I was still his child and that he'd support me anyway he could. I've told my boss at work and we are currently putting together a transition plan. I hope that goes well, for many of the people I work with are quite closed minded.
The most difficult thing has been with my relationship. She's been trying hard to understand it all and it's been painful for her. But we are committed to trying to make it work through all of this.
As things stand today, I've begun electrolysis, seen the therapist/specialist, been diagnosed, got the clean bill of health from my GP, and received the referral to the endocrinologist. Now I just have to wait to see him, with hopes I can begin HRT by March and begin living full time by January 1, 2009. Very exciting times. An interesting side note is that I've been a migraine sufferer since about the age of 12. Since having decided to stop denying myself, the migraines have vanished. Not a single headache of ANY kind since.
Although I've only recently begun this part of the journey, the I have a measure of peace in my heart and a feeling of oneness that I've never had before. I am finally going to truly be me.
Wow...that was long winded! Thanks so much for reading! Hope to talk to you all soon!
With much love,
Breanna
