First off, I'm going to be truthful here because I don't feel like I can be truthful anywhere else, with anyone in my life at the moment. I am very new to calling myself transgender ftm. It was about one week ago that I had a sudden 'Aha!' epiphany moment...and I don't think I want to ever look back.
Over the weekend my friend mentioned a news story I hadn't heard about, where the man was successfully given a penis transplant. If you haven't read it, he lost his penis due to an infection and the one that was donated to him developed function surprisingly quickly, etc. This intrigued me greatly because, although I've never admitted it to anyone, I've always wanted a penis. I actually researched the news story with the slightest glimmer of hope that I might be able to somehow undergo the same procedure. Those hopes were quickly dashed when I realized technology is no where close to giving females real penises...not to mention it would be difficult to find a donor.
I then began a google search on whether it was possible for a female to get a penis surgically. I was certainly disappointed in my search. Ftm genital surgery does not sound very promising yet, but I stumbled across Loren Rex Cameron as well as pictures of other very handsome, extremely masculine ftm. I was just amazed and I couldn't believe that these men actually used to be women. I also became extremely excited when I began watching videos of ftm guys on youtube. The process of taking testosterone suddenly became very real and obtainable to me.
Finally this yearning inside me to be a guy, which I've had for as long as I can remember, made sense. It no longer seemed like some unobtainable fantasy that I basically had to ignore and hide from. For this past week I really haven't slept much, and I've spent most of my free time reading ftm info and watching videos of ftm transitions. I think about all the times that I loved dressing in guy clothes, but forced myself to wear a dress because I knew that's what guys were attracted to. I think about the times when I've been a guy in my dream, it's always a very similar dream where I fall in love with this girl, and I wake up feeling awesome for the rest of that day just thinking about my dream. I think about how I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, the only time I've really liked my body is when it is more muscular or looks more guy-like, same with only when my voice is deeper or my face is thinner.
The reason I have never identified with transgender is mostly from lack of understanding, knowledge, and exposure. I distinctly remember watching a show about a little transgender mtf when I was younger, but it never sparked anything in my brain like 'Oh, that's just like me!'. And I remember when the 'pregnant man' was all over the news a few years back, but it just didn't register in my brain that he was anything like me. I've had friends both gay and lesbian, but I've never been friends with transgender. I think another road block was that I've always identified with being 'straight'. Although I like to dress and act like a 'tomboy' borderline 'lesbian' with guy clothes, short haircut, and more masculine activities, there are very few girls that I've ever been attracted to. I find myself attracted to guys on a daily basis. I don't think my brain had an easy time connected that I could be both sexually attracted to guys, and also identify as have a guy brain inside a female body. Even now that information seems to cause so many thoughts inside my mind.
Now I have this eager desire to begin transitioning. I would have my breasts removed and begin T tomorrow if I could, but there are some serious obstacles currently in my path. First, I love my job...I'm an army medic. I've never experienced this kind of job security before in my life. I've been serving for one year now, and the amount of training both mentally and physically is incredible. Before this ftm epiphany, I had the solid plan of sticking it out through till the 20 year retirement, where I would move up through the ranks, become a flight paramedic, work my ass off as a drill sgt or some other instructor at a training school, get deployed a few times, get stationed in Germany at least once, maybe end up on the west coast in Washington, and then live the rest of my life as an artist on the retirement money. This is why I don't ever make plans, because as soon as I do they seem to get ->-bleeped-<-ed up. Now I just don't know what I want to do. I feel very unhappy at work suddenly, because I know that if I went through the transition I could perform much better physically. Basically, I could be a better soldier, and be more confident in all of my life. But the army does not like transgender people. Although a policy went through that a soldier cannot be kicked out specifically because they are transgender, there are a million other reasons people can make up to kick you out.
My second huge obstacle is my family. Maybe my brother might accept me as a transgender...maybe. But not my parents. My dad was raised Catholic, I've heard him refer to gay/lesbian people as '->-bleeped-<-gots'. I can't even imagine how he would react to this, especially with me being the youngest 'baby' of the family. As for my mom, she has always been a very judgmental person unfortunately, and although she's had gay friends, she gets thoughts and ideas twisted in her head. I love my family but I feel like going through the transition will alienate me from all of my family.
Whatever the consequences eventually I will do what I have to, I always have. I have made a lot of unusual life changing choices in my short life, but I don't regret any of them. I don't think I will regret identifying myself as transgender, and eventually I will transition. For now I will just have to play the waiting game. I still have a few years on my contract, and I so badly want to reenlist for flight medic school or a duty station in Germany.
Urrrrgh frustration.
