Everyone is pretty much accepting in my family, apart from my older brother who I get all the insults and misgendering from, but I've gotten used to it the best I can, its not too big a deal as I hardly see him. My parents are paying for private treatment as NHS was taking too long, and I should hopefully be getting hormones in a couple months. I pass pretty much always as far as I know. In fact when I met my counsellor he assumed I was MtF haha, that was nice. However I've never sat down and conversated with someone face to face, so I don't know if I pass in actuality.

However everyday I still feel suicidal and like I can't go another minute with the wrong body, that I can't wait for every thing to be complete (around 1.5-2yrs). And even then I'll still have huge scars across my chest and a tiny dick and a strange body structure.
I never leave the house, and it's doing my head in. I wish I could move so no one would know me and my past, and just see me as a normal male. However my parents refuse to move which is fair enough, and it'd be a while before I passed enough to talk to people confidently.

I just want to escape this boredom and depression, but I can't. Can't leave the house in my town, everyone would find out I am trans and I'd be mocked and be outed to everyone. I want nothing more than to be stealth when I pass, and I can't risk anyone who doesn't need to know to find out.
It will be around 2 years before I can move out and go to university, and I am 99% sure I can't survive that long sitting in my room doing online school with no social life or interests. Just nothing enjoyable for ages. I've been doing that (well, not school yet, playing Xbox instead) for about 4-5 months so far and I'm already going insane, 2 more years I cannot do. I even talk to other guys my age on Xbox who are none the wiser seeing as my voice apparently passes, which is fun but not enough I guess. I sound greedy, I'm not even a people person.

I guess I could move to Scotland and work there once I pass because you can't work full time under 18 in England. However I won't be able to do A levels and go uni, so will I just work in a shop my whole life? I'll probably never be able to do A levels and work. And passing enough and having no chest is a good 6 months away too

Basically I'm an impatient twat who has no options because I can't bloody wait for much longer. I can't live like this day to day much longer. The depression and suicidal thoughts are worse everyday, I've even planned how I'm going to kill myself when I get around to doing it, which I fear is very soon, in the next week or two. I don't want to die, but I don't know what else to do. I can't tell anyone because I will get sectioned, allowing a ton more people to know of me being trans, and probably losing access from hormones and surgeries for god knows how long because "I'm not mentally stable enough to make such decisions".

I know you will all just tell me to wait. I know its either that or suicide, or being a girl which really I would prefer suicide too.
Just wanted to rant I guess, I can't say this stuff to anyone.

It feels like my brain is self destructing/ deteriorating, Im going insane, and I'm going to die anyway so why live like this.

Hey hon ive gone through this many a time already even being on hormones its just a point where it is a waitting game what i found to help is doing something that is fully your gender like lets say go on a full heavy weight lifting binge if thats your thing or just go out and get all dirty from a hike or go fishing if you can get your head into the environment you want. Talk to your counselor about getting a "chill pill" for anxiety which i found was a main cause for me im not sure if its the same to you but try seeing about that

Best of luck and keep going your in a good position

From a sista to a brotha,
Sarah

I got a punch bag as I used to box before all this trans stuff, but I only used it a few times. I just can't be bothered I guess, lazy I know. I don't know why, I just don't want to do anything. I have anti depressants, tried two types and neither have worked.
Part of me just wants to run away somewhere and just be homeless. Stupid I know, I could never get hormones or owt. I just want something different, something else to think about.

Being in the UK you could contact the mermaids:
mermaidsuk dot org dot uk
"We offer information, support, friendship and shared experiences."

There are other helplines for transgender people...
please reach out...

Sometimes its dependent on the person on the line.. just keep at it and reach out...

and talk about your concerns with your counselor immediately. They could work on helpful suggestions and guide you along your way.

and, well, some people might not be accepting right away but others might be accepting, so you might have a few persons who support you...


hugs

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place, Scotty -- no one should have to go through this. It's horrible, but it's also natural for you to feel stuck and desperate, when the things you want most seem out of reach and waiting feels impossible.

Please talk to your counselor about how you're feeling. They will have some ideas and resources for making it all more bearable -- for one thing, it sounds like you have a lot of social anxiety, and that's something you can work on right now. Maybe there's a support group you can join -- that would be another thing to get you out of the house, and a way to meet some supportive people.

If you haven't yet, check out the resources here -- this thread has a list of hotlines and chat sites you can contact -- it really can help just to bend someone's ear for a while, and it's anonymous.

A lot of people here (I'm one) have been through something similar and have made it out the other side. We get it, and we're here for you -- that's what this place is all about.

Hey- I would def. recommend a therapist or counselor who specializes in gender identity.  It would probably help a lot.  Do you think your parents might be willing to let you attend a local transgender gathering?  Maybe one of them could go with you.  I know it's awful and uncomfortable- it's actually very common for you to go through depression during what should be "up" times. Depression is a horrible motivator but if you can focus on trying to prepare yourself- it can get better.  Remind yourself of a few things...

Surgery can be complicated. Readup on pros/cons and things to know about that can help you when the time comes.

Is a man just a man because of his junk?  If a guy gets his penis blown off, or experiences an accident, is he somehow less a man? A man isn't just a small amount of his body, how can you beat yourself up for not being perfect?  It's not fair to anyone, cis or trans to think this way.  But it's also fairly typical to be unhappy with your body cis, or trans.

I know the wait seems to go on forever. When I started to see a therapist and was sent to a specialist for evaluation, I was scared to death that they wouldn't let me do anything. I'd gotten to the point that if they said no, that was going to be it. I'd kill myself. Fortunately they passed me.

You really do get used to the scars, and many are not that bad. A good plastic surgeon can make your chest look normal with very little to no scarring at all. As far as the phalloplasty, depending on the Dr., you can choose your size. One Dr. (can't remember his name), gives the patient a choice of 5" or 7".

When I was transitioning, I had an apartment, but stayed with my parents during recovery. My apartment wasn't that far from their house, just far enough that there weren't many people around who would recognize me. That gives you some freedom from the fear of being outed when you don't want to be.

I think once you get started, you will feel much differently. The hormones help, and once the chest is done, there is a huge sense of freedom. Before I started, I was in really bad shape. Now I hold a graduate degree. That is how much your life can change. Just hang in there and rant to us when you have to.

sam1234

It might be a good idea to find a creative hobby that holds your interest.  I used to do model making and some of my finest work was done when I was at my most depressed.  There was a benefit too in that later on I was able to sell them when I needed to raise some money.

You kind of sound like me when I still had testicles and produced testosterone. The testosterone was literally the cause of my problems. It made me depressed all the time.
Give the hormones a chance. They are so important. Once you get the right hormones in your body every little thing makes you happy.