Ladies, I need your help. I transitioned a few years ago, my husband at the time freaked out and left me, taking our son in the process, but now I'm finding myself on the other side of the fence. My current husband has decided that he too wants to transition. So now I'm in the 'transitioned' boat, and the 'significant other' boat, but as far as I'm concerned I'm drowning. I am utterly disappointed in myself, because I'm scared. I shouldn't be, of all people I should be the most understanding and helpful, but it's not happening and I've never been so upset with 'me'.

My last husband was straight and he taught me real fast that you can't change what you're attracted to no matter how much love you throw at someone. He wanted to love me, he wanted to support me, but he just couldn't. I don't want to be that guy. But I'm gay, I've never been attracted to women, and now I'm going to be married to one. I'm scared I won't be attracted to my s.o anymore. Hell I'm scared she won't be attracted to me! Tastes can change. Hormones changed me, I'm scared it'll happen to her and she won't love me anymore. I'm scared that this relationship that had been the best thing to ever happen to either of us is going to possibly and horribly end like my last one.

So here's my unadulterated plea for help. I want to support her. I'm going to, because that's what you do for the people you love. But I need help, because right now I'm to scared to be of any use. How do I help her? What can I say, or do, to show my support? What should I avoid? What would you have wanted someone to say to you to show they supported you? And also, for my own peace of mind, what should I expect? Where should I start my research?

If I was your husband, what would you say to me?

Big hug! You can do this! Just like we tell everyone else, open and honest is the way to go. Of course, you know we're all here for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

PS Yay for Spaceballs!

In some ways your own reply seems to contains the seeds of hope you need...

In the first part you talk about how your ex "taught me real fast that you can't change what you're attracted to no matter how much love you throw at someone."

In the second part you talk about your own knowledge "I'm scared I won't be attracted to my s.o anymore. Hell I'm scared she won't be attracted to me! Tastes can change."

You do realise there is a slight contradiction there? You are mistaken in trying to draw a general lesson from a particular case. So the lesson is quit worrying about your ex - and instead focus on yourself, because you are different people. Actually your ex did not teach you that no-one could change what they are attracted to, just that he couldn't.

As you rightly say you "know" tastes can change - so some people CAN sometimes change who they are attracted to, and I can tell you that its doesnt always even need hormones to do it.

As for your fear that your partner may fall out of love with you, has it not occurred to you that in choosing you she may have already thought this through and chosen you precisely in the hope that realtionship WOULD survive. So I put it to you that the situation, though uncertain holds many reasons for optimism.

Firstly she may already have signalled her hope for longevity of relationship, and you are clearly telegraphing your desire to try and make this work, and indeed belief that people can change. So the question seems to me rather more one of working out how to make that happen, than worrying that it might not.

Then again I may be being overly optimistic because I'm bisexual, I've been postop for many decades, and I enjoyed an unexpected 25 year relationship with someone who transitioned in the same direction that I had done. So I know it can work out because I've been there.

Well first I'd say calm down... and communicate.

Its a process, and you might go it together. They talking about their needs and wishes, and you, too... all in a calm manner, without getting over excited...

You might have a look here for a few thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185096.msg1646042.html#msg1646042

and, well, you might need a few moments to simply get used to some ideas... so I'd say take the time you need...

Do they have a gender therapist to help them along the way ? You might think about some counseling... with plannedparenthood or at lgbt centers, and there might be support groups... and pair counseling...
if you feel you are not happy with one you might simply look for another, asking at trans people groups for a referral...

and, well, people are different... one experience made with some people may simply be different with others...

and if you want to talk to someone in person you can call one of those for example, people are there to help and give advice (there are many others):
glnh dot org/hotline/


hugs

Like everyone has said, be open, honest but most importantly communicate where you both are at as often as possible.  You know personally that this is not something you can stop, and that it would not be healthy for the person you love so much to try to.  Things may change and that is scary, but you shouldn't blame yourself and neither should she if feelings change.  People are attracted to what they are attracted to. 

*hugs*

I can't help you from a women's point of view, but I don't find it that surprising when finding yourself in the shoes of the one who isn't transitioning normal. Your husband that you had before you transitioned, is only partially right. There are some people who can't get past the fact that they are now in a situation where they are with someone who's anatomy is not what they are attracted to, but that isn't everyone.

People have stayed together when one transitioned even though they were straight. I believe there is a post on something similar that I read here. Part of it depends on how important sex is to you. That may be more important in younger people, though I wouldn't want to make that statement generalized statement about that.

If you haven't sat down and had a serious talk with your S.O., about this, then now is the time. Relationships have broken up for less and stayed together through worse, so I'm not sure what to tell you. Although I'm sure its not a unique problem, its certainly not all that common.
Be as honest as you can regardless of how uncomfortable it might get. If you decide that being with a woman is not something you will be able to handle, you could still support your S.O. by going through the transition with her. I'm sure that would be a comfort, having someone who had been through the same type of situation.

sam1234

There's no shame in saying that you don't want to be with someone if they transition. You can't decide to change your sexual orientation and your s.o. has to accept that. I was in a long term relationship when I came out and began transition, and my girlfriend said that she supported me and would always be there for me, but she couldn't be in a relationship with me because she has no attraction or desire to be with a woman.

My ex girlfriend is now my best friend and has stuck by me throughout my transition. I'm heartbroken that we aren't together anymore but I respect her decision and I'm glad that she didn't try to force herself to stay in a relationship that wouldn't have been right for her, as we probably would've both ended up unhappy and resentful.

If you can stay with her, then thats great, but it has to be based on honesty not just with each other but yourselves as well; you have to be happy and comfortable with the situation before you can offer sincere support. You can be supportive either as her husband or as her friend, and I think if you make it clear that regardless of how the marriage turns out that you will be there for her then you've done all you can. If you are undecided and you want to see how things go, then just make sure she understands that, and she knows that you can't make promises.

Good luck and best wishes

I wish my wife wasn't such a computer-phobe. We've been together one way or another for over 30 years. She is post-op some 25 years. From day 1 she knew of my gender issues, history, and then status of "just a cross-dresser". Well, at 6 ft tall, balding at 14, and big everything, not many options left.

Well, about 5 years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her. A few years ago she gave the OK for HRT. Now things are getting all too real for her, as well as for me. Her favorite line used to be "I did not marry a woman. I had plenty of chances to do that". Today it is "THe heart wants what the heart wants". Just a few weeks ago she went just as you have. You know all too well what hormones do beyond a B cup. She fears her days are numbered by either me wanting a man or running off with some younger transwoman in my group.

Yes, others in my group have said, "She should understand better than most spouses what it is like to be trans". That she does. What bothers her is also knowing what being trans, hormones, finally feeling good being in your own skin, and all the other wonderful things that actually doing positive things to manage being trans does to one both emotionally and physically.

The one thing that has kept us together through all this so far is open and honest communication. Which also implies the "Filters" are off at the time, so try not to take something hurtful said the wrong way. The secondary factor is also putting the others happiness above our own. A very difficult balancing act.

We try to take each day as it comes along with keeping the hopes, wishes and dreams we shared for a long and happy life together alive, and very real.