Hey all,

It feels weird doing this, but I seem to be stuck in a mental/emotional loop and my options for getting it off my chest are limited. There's a decision I need to make immediately, and I don't feel I can without some kind of validation or second opinion.

I've been on an extremely low dose of T for several months now. Not much has happened, but I've found myself feeling hot almost constantly and sweating easily. Sometimes my body odor is also very strange; an unpleasant, rotten-egg, sour scent. I also have an aversion to body-hair, and I'm not dealing with it as well as I'd hoped, especially considering I still look female. (of course, it doesn't help that the men in my family are all hairy beasts, dangit!)

Because of the above, I've been ruminating on the idea of stopping T for now, and pursuing top-surgery instead. Then, I could always re-start T later, or explore other options. I suspect that it would be much easier on me psychologically that way. My mother (who I live with), is also much more open to the idea of top-surgery than she is to HRT or anything else (likely because there is breast cancer in our family history). I just don't know how feasible this is, given it's reverse order of how most folks seem to go about it.

My brain keeps running me in loops, driving me repeatedly into deeper pits of depression as I get increasingly frustrated. It doesn't help that it's but one of the issues driving me 'round the emotional roller-coaster!

I've been spending a few days a week helping out my Grandmother who has Alzheimer's disease. She's gotten worse over the last few months, and when I get home I often feel like crying, screaming, or just putting my skull through a wall. Her short-term memory is pretty much shot, she's got a colostomy she's getting progressively worse at caring for, and now she's got a horrible case of cellulitis and is being tested for diabetes. The house she lives in is nearly 60 years old and in need of a lot of repair work, and I've been running myself into the ground trying to clean her house, do repairs, and help her with everything.

I've also been taking online, self-paced classes in Veterinary Technology, but haven't worked on them since January. I can't seem to focus, my mother keeps pestering me about finishing so I can go get a job, and can I say how much I HATE METRIC CONVERSIONS! And how can I get a job anyway when I can't even stand myself most days, let alone other people?!  (ahem...sorry...)

On the plus side, I started seeing a therapist again a few weeks ago (my previous one moved away two years ago), but we are still in the introductory stage. (Evidently I have some kind of co-dependency going on, in addition to depression, ADD, anxiety, and gender dysphoria. What luck! Soon I'll represent the whole APA DSM V! Perhaps I should aim for psychopathy next?)

There's more adding to the mess, but the above is the majority of what's making me feel like digging my fingers into my scalp and peeling the flesh from my head like a shriveled grapefruit. I'd scream, but a cop lives next door and there might be issues...^_^;

My apologies for going off on my issues...but they do give some background on why my head is so scrambled and I'm unable to make such a seemingly little decision. *sigh*  Perhaps I should forget everything and go for a full-cranial lobotomy instead.....

Thanks for reading, at least, and any insight would be most welcome.

Having cared for my Mum as her dementia became progressively worse I can empathise with how difficult that must be for you.  It's stressfull and the worst thing about is that the person you're looking after is a complete stranger wearing the body of a loved family member.  It's hard to look after someone when you're in need of being looked after yourself and I don't think it's a very healthy thing for you to be doing at the moment. 
Are there any other family members who could take some of the load?  I found out very quickly with caring for my Mum that if you're perceived as being female in any shape of form you are very likely to be left with the job.  My brothers were totally useless and any attempt I made at contacting them even to tell them how Mum was usually ended with them telling me what a bad job I was doing of being Mum's caregiver (sigh).

That you're having therapy is good, but what else is happening with yourself?  Are you eating properly, keeping hydrated, getting enough sleep?  Don't worry about your veterinary course or getting a job, that can come later.  The main thing right now is for you to concentrate on keeping yourself safe and well.

Thank you for your reply, Lady Smith. My father and stepmother usually help my grandmother on the days that I don't, and they are the ones who handle all of the legal, medical, and financial whatnot for her. She also has a neighbor that checks on her. Unfortunately, my stepmother drives my grandmother nuts (she's the forcefully opinionated type, and for a woman with Alzheimer's who's worn her hair the same way for 50+ years, it breeds tears and resentment). My father is also extremely close-mouthed, so I'm constantly having to hound him on my grandmother's behalf to find out why he's done this or that, or why he doesn't want this done, or what her doctor said... ! Sadly, my uncle, who is much more open and personable, lives on the other side of the country. There really isn't anybody else, and my father and stepmother have foolishly been using the idea of an elder care home as a threat against my grandmother to get her to take better care of herself, so now if she has to move to one, it'll be ugly and traumatic on so many levels. 

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a terrible experience caring for your Mum. It's a tragedy of human nature that people feel entitled to criticize and judge when they haven't experienced a situation right along beside you. My ex-stepfather is currently going through the same thing with his Mum. He's a former doctor and has been handling everything, but his siblings do nothing but argue with him.

Regarding my own well being, or rather lack-thereof, no, I don't sleep well, eat right, or anything. Sleep is rarely restful, and I often resist going to bed because I feel like I need to accomplish something (but never do), and then I stay in bed too late the next day, not seeing the point in getting up. Eating right...well, I lack the patience for cooking and usually view meals as an annoyance to get out of the way. Though I know eating better could help my overall well-being, that knowledge has never been enough to break the 'why bother?' self-worth hurdle. My therapist has her work cut out for her.

Hey bud,

You can absolutely stop T and pursue top surgery. The majority of surgeons nowadays do not care about the order that you've done things in, so long as you have a referral from a competent mental health professional. I know there are at least a few active guys on the board who had their top surgery done prior to starting T, hopefully they will chime in with their experiences. Just know that it is 100% not an issue. It may have been in the past, but no longer.

My best advice I can offer: make the most of your therapy sessions, and focus on your education. I know in the early stages, transitioning seems to take over and it's difficult to get much else done. But staying on top of your mental health and your future should be big priorities for you. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk.

Take care.

Quote from: ftmax on March 30, 2015, 05:14:52 PM
Hey bud,

You can absolutely stop T and pursue top surgery. The majority of surgeons nowadays do not care about the order that you've done things in, so long as you have a referral from a competent mental health professional. I know there are at least a few active guys on the board who had their top surgery done prior to starting T, hopefully they will chime in with their experiences. Just know that it is 100% not an issue. It may have been in the past, but no longer.

My best advice I can offer: make the most of your therapy sessions, and focus on your education. I know in the early stages, transitioning seems to take over and it's difficult to get much else done. But staying on top of your mental health and your future should be big priorities for you. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk.

Take care.

Seconding this. Most surgeons will do top surgery whether or not you are on T or even plan to be on it in the future.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you have a lot on your plate right now. Being trans is hard on anyone. And that's just the trans part without worrying over family members or employment or anything. Just don't be too hard on yourself if you feel overwhelmed. That is a legitimate response to what you are going through and totally understandable. It'll get better, friend.

Different people need different things, in different orders. Only you can decide what you need and what comes first.

I had top surgery first and I'd do it that way again. I severely needed both that and HRT, but the dysphoria-reducing effect of top surgery is more immediate. No matter how deep my voice or how much facial hair I'd have, if the growths were still present I would still be miserable (not to mention the health effects of long-term binding). I know I need bottom surgery someday to feel completely alright in my body. The bottom dysphoria limits my life in many ways. But it comes last for me, both due to cost and that with HRT and top surgery I can function in society and am mostly happy. They are the bare minimum I need to live with a reasonable quality of life so they came first. I wouldn't be doing as well with any other order of things.

In contrast I've heard of some guys wanting bottom surgery before anything else because that is the single worst factor for them. And of course plenty of people decide they can cope just fine without (enter procedure(s) here).

Quote from: Byren on March 29, 2015, 08:34:52 PM
Sometimes my body odor is also very strange; an unpleasant, rotten-egg, sour scent.

Not to state the obvious, but that comes with the territory. Getting rid of my "scent" was one of the best things that happened to me. If it is too strong there may be other issues though. What does your doctor say?

I got top surgery before I went on T.  At the time I was pretty sure I was NOT going to take hormones and live socially as male.  I knew I hated my chest and hoped that by getting that done, my dysphoria would abate.  Well, it did, but not as much as I had hoped.  The social dsyphoria is the toughest for me (after the boob issue).  So, I decided to start hormones 11 months after I did the top surgery.

If I had to do it over again (and had the funds to do it), I would still do it the same way (top surgery before T).  It would be too distressing trying to hide my chest as I became more masculine.  It is less stressful trying to pass without having to worry about my moobs giving me away.

Go for the surgery first, hormones can add to the stress. For me, I needed to try something that wasn't immediately visible to see how it felt. You sound quite committed and as most surgeons do not need you to be on T first, it's fine to do things in whatever order you want

I am sorry to hear about your grandma, it's very hard seeing family age and very difficult when you are caring for them in the process :C  You can always rant about life things, as we all have lives and things to be concerned about in addition to transitioning...