Hello! I just found this site tonight and through the wonderful welcome I found in the introduction forum I would like to also post here.  My 3 yo was born female but for around 6 months now has been adamantly telling me she is a boy.  From now on here I will refer to her as he.  He gets very upset when I try to put anything feminine on him.  Also refuses to play with anything generally identified as feminine also does not want to play with girls.  He tells me all the time he will be a big boy when he grows up.  I am having a hard time trying to explain it to family.  As I gather more information I am trying to convince loved ones to please just not argue with him as it upsets him and makes him very anxious. I have asked them to please just ignore it.  When he tells me things like that i just say ok.  I let him wear boy clothes while at home and when we do go out I try and make a good compromise as far as balancing it.  I am very supportive as I love my baby no matter what.  I just wonder if anyone that have been on that end of this can think of things they wish their caretakers would have done and if anyone remembers knowing at that young of age they were tg.  My husband (who I plan to be separating soon with anyway) is very unsupportive and ignorant about this whole thing, so I worry that at some point he will lose his father figure during this process.  I just feel like the world is going to be hard enough to my child, I need to make this process as loving and accepting as I can.

It is great to hear of parents that are so aware of what transgender is and being open minded about it.  That is a huge step in the right direction.  My advice is to just be easy going about it, and let your child be who they are.  It's important to note that some children just go through phases like this, and six months is probably not quite long enough to make a definitive call on whether your child is transgender or not.  But if you child is transgender, the he will be persistent about it.

For me personally I remember being female on the inside, when I was four years of age.  But, with no concept that sex and gender are different, and parents that did not have that concept, I was very confused about who I was.  If my parents would have just let me be me, it would have made a world of difference.

If you have not read the book "The Transgender Child", I highly recommend it.

thank you jessica!  I think the wondering if this is just a phase is another reason I really don't want anyone arguing or trying to correct him.  He has a little brother that just turned one and they take baths together so I know he knows that he doesnt have the parts his brother has.  Just like he knows he has the parts that I do have.  But he is so persistent about being a boy and I just don't like to cause him distress by arguing about it.  But like you said I am just trying to ride this out whatever way it goes and I appreciate your input.  It sounds like your parents weren't accepting and I am sorry.  Having been in this position I know its a hard one to be in.  Hard because of the close mindedness of society and also hard because you know they will be hard on your child and you never want to see your child hurt and so you try to push them into the norm of society not seeing that that is hurting your child just as much.  I am glad you have found a way to be who you are.  I just hope I can be an activist for my child.  This has really opened my mind about the subject. 

I remember figuring out in head start that other people didn't see me as the boy I knew I was. So yes you can know at a very young age. Having or being an advocate for your child can make all the difference in their ability to feel love and acceptance from the most important person(s) in their world, their parents. I give you a lot of credit for letting him figure it out on his own and just accepting him.


BTW, I was three.

It's interesting, that when I was that age, or maybe a little older, I was aware of body parts as well.  But I felt that body parts just did not matter.  It was being repeatedly told that body parts did matter that caused issues.  That and being told, boys don't do that.

I am very Zen about the whole thing now.  Back then (late 1970's, early 80's) it was unheard of, that children could be transgender.  I am sympathetic towards my parents rising me.  They just did not know better, and neither did society.

Times are changing.  Very young children going through transition will have an easier time then ever before.  Challenges will still exist, but it is continuing to improve.  I am inspired by the young trans kids, and their stories.  Especially Jazz Jennings, but there are many others.  Including a friend of mine who is a father to a transgender child.

Try your best to find a family doctor or a therapist that has experience with kids. But the good thing is boys and girls are pretty identical before puberty so you have plenty of time to figure things out before committing one way or the other. Just get prepared yourself: your probably going to get harassed about it more than your child is.

Welcome again, and thank you again for the lengths you're going to for your child, honestly.

I think we might've missed each other, I posted on your first topic on the Introduction section, there might be helpful information there if you wish. 

Here's the link to the post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185948.msg1655407.html#msg1655407

I wish the very best for you and your family! People are often not only prejudiced, but also completely refuse to let their prejudice go at all. Still, don't let it get to you, as your child will only be happy if they are who they are, rather than who others tell them to be.

Bea

(S)he may be trasgender,but no need to hurry with conclusions.
Was she tested for CAH(congenital adrenal hyperplasia?) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congenital_adrenal_hyperplasia
That condition may raise chances that female child will identify as male.Imo CAH is really worth testing..
You can do karyotyping as well,because certain conditions can cause "males" to have female external genitalia.In some  (Swyer syndrome,androgen insensivity syndrome in most cases they'll identify as females(not her case).....but in other conditions those "appear to be girls on birth" boys will most often identify as boys eg. " 5-alpha reductase deficiency" http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/5-alpha-reductase-deficiency
..and when they reach puberty they'll actually enter male puberty.Those are all really RARE cases,but I felt need to mention it.

Before making conclusions,one needs to eliminate other possibilities.Maybe she is jealous of her baby brother (he's younger so he has priority)..maybe she misses her father(in some cases kids argue with parent who spends most of the time with them..usually mother,she has to be strict...so the absent parent(usually father) seems more calm,more understanding..kids idealize him.That may not be the case.You need to talk to her,and as she enrich her vocabulary,she'll be able to express her thoughts more precisely and then you'll know better.Also she'll have more experiences with different kind of kids and adults..and she'll learn that not all girls want to be feminine.Pay attention on cartoons she likes to watch.Kids like to copy cartoon characters.Maybe those characters are too feminine and she didn't feel connected to them.

OK I do hope you will see this, because I have actually lived this as the child. In 1960 I was born notionally male - however I was never comfortable being that, and by the age of 4 was telling anyone who would listen that I wasn't a boy.

Thats when things got a little unusual, for all sorts of reasons too complex to fully list. My mother had some medical knowledge and was a producer of medical talks for the BBC. My father was quite a gentle man and as it turned out neither of my parents believed in enforced gendering so I was mostly allowed freedom to self express and explore. Just as important they found schools for me where this accepting ethos was also practiced, and they also told friends and family alike that they either accepted me for who I was, or never darkened our door!!! The result was that I had full family support, and if there was hotility I literally never heard it.

The end result years later, having transitioned and had genital surgery as a young adult, was that I had none of the self esteem, depression and anger issues that so often affect transpeople, even decades after they finally transition, and as a direct result I have gone on to be a woman of high achievement, and leading a very full and happy life.

Thse who think they must force conformity on to a gender variant child need to understand that one cannot do this, and in trying all you will do is teach the child that their parents, and indeed the world hates them, something that no human being should ever have as a core belief. In short trying to force a child to be something they are not, will only ever end badly for both parent and child. It's cruel, un-natural, and downright evil.

So ultimately I think the most important thing for a child to have is absolute and unconditional support. You don't have to "encourage" them one way or the other, just give them space. You just have to give them the freedom to be whoever and whatever they are, and tell them that whatever they choose is ok.

I agree with what was said above me. At 3,you don't have to do anything permanent, medical, or legal. I suggest just following your kid's lead. If one day they want to be called he, then three weeks later want she, just go with it. It does no harm to a kid to be addressed how as how they're feeling or dress how they want. They can always explore and settle into what works for them. No need to force one way or the other.

Not knowing or changing your mind is all okay at 3, just follow and support your child's identity. best of luck!

Kmarten, your story sounds a lot like one I heard from a mom in Maryland during the state Senate hearings for the TG Rights bill. I was in tears by the time she finished, and I was far from the only one. Try to contact a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). You may even reach out directly to Catherine Ham http://pflagmd.org/about/leadership/