Right, so I've noticed that, internally, I use my birthname whenever I'm cussing myself out for something.

Like, earlier, I'd forgotten something after going to get it from the kitchen three times, cause I kept getting distracted, and as soon as I realized that I'd done it again, I sneared "Good going, *Birthname*" at myself. I've been using my actual name internally for 16 years, except when I'm angry at myself?
Is this internalized transphobia? Self-harming behaviour? Just subconsciously punishing myself? Does anyone else do this?

This is not self harm.

I actually take a bit of offense to that, as someone who has struggled with self harm for most of their life, in varying degrees. 


Let me explain, self harm is something that the individual physically does to themselves to cause pain in order to cope. It does not have to leave a mark, contrary to popular belief, but it is physical harm done to the body.

It is possible that you have internalized what people have done to you, for example if someone would use your birthname because they were trying to hit below the belt and they knew that it would hurt worse if they used your birthname.

It is more likely that this is negative self talk, and a bit of self sabotaging behavior. Like the earlier example, you are using your birthname to make the statement more emotionally damaging to yourself. This, is something that i do also. It could be that you have the mentality that if you make yourself feel worse about the behavior you have engaged in, you will correct the problem. If you feel bad, you will in the future avoid the pain that would happen if you made the same mistake again. Unfortunately, this is not the case, making yourself feel bad about the mistake does not prevent a recurrence, it just lowers your self esteem.

P.S please do not take the beginning as me being short or upset with you, i just wanted to make sure that you knew the difference. In hindsight i think i see what you meant originally.

~Kayden

I think that Kayden is right on the money.

I'd add that rather than worrying what it means when you use your birth name to cuss yourself out, you work on learning not to cuss yourself out at all. Negative self-talk, to use the $5.00 term for it (), does no good for anyone. It just reinforces whatever negative beliefs you have about yourself, and makes it that much harder to develop or maintain a healthy level of self-esteem, and to avoid or get out of depression.

It's surprising what a difference it makes when you train yourself to say something like "Ouch -- that hurt, but we'll do better next time," or "OK, that didn't go well, how do we fix it?" or "No big thing, dude, don't sweat it!" instead of things like "YOU MORON! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SCREW UP!!!!"

Don't ask me how I know this....  

Learning to treat yourself gently and with compassion is a good thing. If you Google "self-compassion" you'll find a lot of info on how to go about it -- the process itself is a good one.

No, early transition behavior, for lack of a better term.

--Jay

QuoteI've been using my actual name internally for 16 years, except when I'm angry at myself?

Dunno if this counts as "early," Jay.

I apologize for using the term self-harm for causing myself mental pain rather than physical. I was unaware that you could only use that for physical harm, and I'll refrain from using it again. I apologize for the offence caused.

Quote from: Tysilio on April 08, 2015, 08:39:26 PM
Instead of things like "YOU MORON! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SCREW UP!!!!

Erm... Hmm, yeah I suppose that's a bad thing to do

*stealthily leaves humming the entire way*

Jay, (and everyone else!) talk to me more about early transition behavior. Negative self-talk is part of that?  What else is part of early transition behavior?
OP, thanks for bringing this up!

Well I think there are just things people who are early in transition do. I missed the 16 years here, but still don't think it's too unusual. I don't think the word "moron" is too great either. Perhaps people should be more forgiving of their own mistakes. "Gosh I screwed up, I could do this instead."

I don't have a list, Chris. My feeling is that people early in transition are still adjusting to their names, identity (that more matches their internal state, etc.).

--Jay

Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on April 09, 2015, 07:45:05 AM
Jay, (and everyone else!) talk to me more about early transition behavior. Negative self-talk is part of that?  What else is part of early transition behavior?
OP, thanks for bringing this up!

I ALWAYS cursed at the female body parts that I carried and still do at the ones that are still remaining. No words can describe my wrath however.

I very much agree with being kind to yourself and working against those negative thoughts. But this is not self-harm, as others had said. Although it can wear you down. Take care of your thought patterns when they start going into the negative. I find that telling myself "NO" in my head and just stopping that line of thought really helps! Wish you all the luck!

Quote from: JayI don't think the word "moron" is too great either.

That was my point -- it's awful that we direct this kind of language at ourselves, but far too many of us do, out of a lifetime of depression and self-hatred. It can be a hard habit to break, but it is possible to learn to be kinder to ourselves. The nice thing is that learning self-compassion can be a way out of depression: once people learn to be kinder to themselves, it starts to sink in that we might actually deserve kindness.