I was born male. However, I am not. For as long as I can remember I have known I should have been female. Going through puberty as a male is the worst experience I have ever had. For perspective, I've had two back surgeries and I flat-lined both times and woke once. The body hair is disgusting. The natural smell of my body is unbearable. When I look into the mirror I see a stranger that I have never known. I can't stand this shell I'm living in.

I have been told what I should be like. As a male, society has expectations of you. Be strong, be tough, don't cry, never express your feelings or who you are. It's not who I am but it has been instilled in me from before I could walk. I think this is the reason why I live my life trying please everyone and be what I think society wants me to be. I feel as if I have lost myself and have become the lie I put on for everyone. I have to remind myself frequently who I truly am, but I can't express it. I have few people in my life, when you can't even believe yourself how can you trust others? I have tried to express all of this out loud and I stumble over it. I have difficulty telling myself out loud, but I can.

Men think I am obsessed with women because I stare. Women think I'm creepy because I stare. I stare for different reasons, admiration. The way natural born women are is beautiful. The way they move, speak, are able to and allowed to express things. I stare for another reason as well. Jealousy, They are everything I am but am not allowed to be because of how I look. Rarely I slip up and break my facade and act how I am. When I do I get ridiculed by nearly everyone. Occasionally there is a person that doesn't and a few have tried to apologize for the entire group.

I wear socks and shoes all day so nobody can see my painted toe nails. I clear coat my finger nails. I started cycling so I could shave my legs with no one being too weird about it. I hate having a penis. I hate not having breasts. I hate that I can't wear the clothes that I want. I hate myself.

I am working on coming to terms with having other people knowing. I told my therapist after almost seeing her for a year due to me having trust issues. We have been working on how I feel and she gave me some "homework" that I have to stop lurking and finally talk about it with others. I don't have anyone I can talk to about me being the way I am in my life. They are prodigious about everything I can think of. Once I finally "come out" I believe I will lose my family.

I understand that I've had about 20 years of knowing who I am. Others wont have that time to absorb it all.

To be honest this is getting tl/dr for even myself. I just want to thank everyone for allowing me a place to be.

Vivien_Rae
Welcome to Susan's family.

So many topics to explore and posts to read or write.

Many article of news, wiki, links, minecraft and chat.

Take some time and read over the links for the site rules.

Each link holds it own section.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
  


• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
  


• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
  


• Reputation rules
  
  


• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
  


• Photo , avatars, and signature images policy
  
  

Safe passage on your path.

Je suis un être humain,Popcorn?

Hugs

Quote from: Vivien_Rae on April 09, 2015, 11:53:36 PM
I was born male. However, I am not. For as long as I can remember I have known I should have been female. Going through puberty as a male is the worst experience I have ever had. For perspective, I've had two back surgeries and I flat-lined both times and woke once. The body hair is disgusting. The natural smell of my body is unbearable. When I look into the mirror I see a stranger that I have never known. I can't stand this shell I'm living in.

I have been told what I should be like. As a male, society has expectations of you. Be strong, be tough, don't cry, never express your feelings or who you are. It's not who I am but it has been instilled in me from before I could walk. I think this is the reason why I live my life trying please everyone and be what I think society wants me to be. I feel as if I have lost myself and have become the lie I put on for everyone. I have to remind myself frequently who I truly am, but I can't express it. I have few people in my life, when you can't even believe yourself how can you trust others? I have tried to express all of this out loud and I stumble over it. I have difficulty telling myself out loud, but I can.

Men think I am obsessed with women because I stare. Women think I'm creepy because I stare. I stare for different reasons, admiration. The way natural born women are is beautiful. The way they move, speak, are able to and allowed to express things. I stare for another reason as well. Jealousy, They are everything I am but am not allowed to be because of how I look. Rarely I slip up and break my facade and act how I am. When I do I get ridiculed by nearly everyone. Occasionally there is a person that doesn't and a few have tried to apologize for the entire group.

I wear socks and shoes all day so nobody can see my painted toe nails. I clear coat my finger nails. I started cycling so I could shave my legs with no one being too weird about it. I hate having a penis. I hate not having breasts. I hate that I can't wear the clothes that I want. I hate myself.

I am working on coming to terms with having other people knowing. I told my therapist after almost seeing her for a year due to me having trust issues. We have been working on how I feel and she gave me some "homework" that I have to stop lurking and finally talk about it with others. I don't have anyone I can talk to about me being the way I am in my life. They are prodigious about everything I can think of. Once I finally "come out" I believe I will lose my family.

I understand that I've had about 20 years of knowing who I am. Others wont have that time to absorb it all.

To be honest this is getting tl/dr for even myself. I just want to thank everyone for allowing me a place to be.

Hi Vivien! you're definitely not alone. In fact, all those I bolded are literally me. I think the most shocking is when you finally take time to yourself to sit down, and you realize, you're really living to please everyone else. That for me was ego shattering. I excel in sports, and when I fail I do better, I excel in academics, and when I fail I try twice as hard. People think I have this insane drive, focus, momentum, which I do but what they dont know is that is has developed out of a need to constantly stay occupied so I dont have to face this dysphoria. It is mentally and physically draining to say the least. As for the other things, my nails are painted a light purple right now and I know that "what if I have to take my shoes and sock off?" anxiety lol  welcome!

Quote from: TransSasha on April 10, 2015, 12:07:14 AM
Hi Vivien! you're definitely not alone. In fact, all those I bolded are literally me. I think the most shocking is when you finally take time to yourself to sit down, and you realize, you're really living to please everyone else. That for me was ego shattering. I excel in sports, and when I fail I do better, I excel in academics, and when I fail I try twice as hard. People think I have this insane drive, focus, momentum, which I do but what they dont know is that is has developed out of a need to constantly stay occupied so I dont have to face this dysphoria. It is mentally and physically draining to say the least. As for the other things, my nails are painted a light purple right now and I know that "what if I have to take my shoes and sock off?" anxiety lol  welcome!

Fully agree, incidentally mine are a dark purple. 

Welcome aboard Vivian,

As Sasha notes there are people here who can relate to how you feel because we have been there too.  Dysphoria totally sucks and getting to a place of self acceptance is part of the antidote.  I didn't realize how much work it was to "act like a man" until I finally gave him up.  Similar to Sasha I was an achiever and always busy busy busy.  Too busy to listen to my inner self or look too long at that feminine shadow that followed me until I started transition.

OK, I am part of the public education system and you get an A+ on your homework assignment   Seriously tho I do appreciate your understanding that others have a lot of catching up relative to how much is underground about us when we are not "out."  It is typically more challenging for those that have a long term assumption that our assigned gender is real.   In the isolation of the closet our secrets too often gets more toxic and I too was once one of those that convinced myself I would likely lose everything.  My therapist asked me how much I was willing to give up to transition.  I thought about it and finally concluded "everything" since what I had was based on an image that was not really me.  To my very pleasant surprise most people were cool, accepting or didn't give a rip about my internal gender identity struggles or what I was wearing.  Trust is fundamental to building relationships and I trust you will find people here and IRL that will earn your trust too.  Good luck from a girl with pink toenails.

I do have a few other problems that effect me from talking to people. RSBPD, SPD, and anxiety. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and have thought that most of it could stem from my disphoria. I've never had sexual attraction to anyone. That definitely sounds like a body issue, possibly not but I wont know unless I can become the person I'm supposed to be on the outside.

I hope you will then find this to be a safe place to explore out loud.  Your posts are read many times more than they are responded to and you may be helping others along the way with similar issues and concerns.  You already know that we are full of opinions, perspectives and experience but you can take it or leave it anytime.  Attraction and action are definitely impacted by our sense of self and confidence.  Learning to love yourself may sound like a corny cliche but it is true for many of us.  We have seen so many people here transition in one way or many and find that congruence of identity and appearance that relieves so much dysphoria. You have the advantages of youth and energy to direct your own particular way. 

Welcome to the forum Vivien, we're glad to have you with us

Back when I was still painting my toenails I use to paint mine red. 

Hi Vivien 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: Vivien_Rae on April 09, 2015, 11:53:36 PM
I was born male. However, I am not. For as long as I can remember I have known I should have been female. Going through puberty as a male is the worst experience I have ever had. For perspective, I've had two back surgeries and I flat-lined both times and woke once. The body hair is disgusting. The natural smell of my body is unbearable. When I look into the mirror I see a stranger that I have never known. I can't stand this shell I'm living in.

I have been told what I should be like. As a male, society has expectations of you. Be strong, be tough, don't cry, never express your feelings or who you are. It's not who I am but it has been instilled in me from before I could walk. I think this is the reason why I live my life trying please everyone and be what I think society wants me to be. I feel as if I have lost myself and have become the lie I put on for everyone. I have to remind myself frequently who I truly am, but I can't express it. I have few people in my life, when you can't even believe yourself how can you trust others? I have tried to express all of this out loud and I stumble over it. I have difficulty telling myself out loud, but I can.

Men think I am obsessed with women because I stare. Women think I'm creepy because I stare. I stare for different reasons, admiration. The way natural born women are is beautiful. The way they move, speak, are able to and allowed to express things. I stare for another reason as well. Jealousy, They are everything I am but am not allowed to be because of how I look. Rarely I slip up and break my facade and act how I am. When I do I get ridiculed by nearly everyone. Occasionally there is a person that doesn't and a few have tried to apologize for the entire group.

I wear socks and shoes all day so nobody can see my painted toe nails. I clear coat my finger nails. I started cycling so I could shave my legs with no one being too weird about it. I hate having a penis. I hate not having breasts. I hate that I can't wear the clothes that I want. I hate myself.

I am working on coming to terms with having other people knowing. I told my therapist after almost seeing her for a year due to me having trust issues. We have been working on how I feel and she gave me some "homework" that I have to stop lurking and finally talk about it with others. I don't have anyone I can talk to about me being the way I am in my life. They are prodigious about everything I can think of. Once I finally "come out" I believe I will lose my family.

I understand that I've had about 20 years of knowing who I am. Others wont have that time to absorb it all.

To be honest this is getting tl/dr for even myself. I just want to thank everyone for allowing me a place to be.

Ooohh wow... thanks for opening up like that dear. It is a safe place here and I wish you a pleasant stay here.    Things will turn out for the best for you in time be sure of it and believe in yourself. It will be hard going as you very well know based on your post. How old are you? If you are young like 20 years exactly try and see if you can get your parents to accept you and allow you to transition in private for at least a year until you pass. That way you can start living absolute adult life as a woman without the struggle of transitioning in public eye. I'm nearing 27 years old just lost my job and just started HRT a month and 2 weeks ago to boot. So finding a job in this economy to pay my bills and eat is going to be rough enough, let alone transitioning while going through this ordeal.

I wish you all the best and a safe journey.

Hi Vivien,

Welcome to Susan's!

I have some of the same issues that you and Sasha mentioned, but I hid it so well even from myself that I only realized my own gender identity a few months ago. I fear losing everything too which is what is holding me back as of now, but in any case, this place has helped a lot in keeping me sane.

Take care, and see you around
Cindy

Welcome Vivien, good to have you with us... wow a lot has happened in your life... your GID story is not uncommon, the rest is pretty amazing... as far as the living in a male body, I think you have summed up how most of us feel and have felt.

L Katy 

Quote from: Lady Smith on April 10, 2015, 01:22:05 AM
Welcome to the forum Vivien, we're glad to have you with us

Back when I was still painting my toenails I use to paint mine red.

There is something special about those reds lol

  Thank you all for everything you have said. It makes me feel sane. For those wondering, I'm 26 tomorrow (4/11). I realized that this is how I am around 5 or 6 years old. Been living a lie for so long it's hard to remember. I usually do red or pink but I wanted to mix it up  . I did manage to mess up a pair of socks though because a roommate walked in and I slipped my socks on quickly...before they dried. I had to go back over them later.

Edit: I don't think my family will except it. Someday I will have to tell them but they are very prejudice. Unless you are "white and country" then you don't matter and are a waste on this planet kind of thing. I was at a store with my step mom and two sisters and we saw someone that either didn't pass or cross dressed and they all said that "He doesn't deserve to live." I wanted to cry. I'm afraid to come out.

"Coming out" need not be your first step and people have way different strategies from slowly subtle to shocking alternatives.  Before I was out, i too heard so many people that i knew make horribly prejudicial remarks about us and the rainbow of people in the LGBTQ world.  No doubt that is changing as our visibility increases, laws start to protect us and eventually even hearts and minds change.  It is a totally different world than when I came out Bi/queer in 1982.  It does take time for some people to "get it" but many of us have been surprised by family, friends and coworkers that reveal themselves to be truly caring, accepting and supportive.  Hell some of us end up being sort of minor celebrities in our own backyards

In the mean time you can explore and consider your own unique path to simply being your real self.

Quote from: Vivien_Rae on April 10, 2015, 07:58:03 AM
Thank you all for everything you have said. It makes me feel sane. For those wondering, I'm 26 tomorrow (4/11). I realized that this is how I am around 5 or 6 years old. Been living a lie for so long it's hard to remember. I usually do red or pink but I wanted to mix it up  . I did manage to mess up a pair of socks though because a roommate walked in and I slipped my socks on quickly...before they dried. I had to go back over them later.

Edit: I don't think my family will except it. Someday I will have to tell them but they are very prejudice. Unless you are "white and country" then you don't matter and are a waste on this planet kind of thing. I was at a store with my step mom and two sisters and we saw someone that either didn't pass or cross dressed and they all said that "He doesn't deserve to live." I wanted to cry. I'm afraid to come out.

Yeah I'm a very introverted person and for many years I never really understood why. Like when I'm out in public, I can be extrovert at times, but I'm usually the one to sit quiet and just take in what everyone is saying. As far as the 5 or 6 years old, I'm starting to find that age a common theme among us.

As far as acceptance, it's pretty hard to gauge who will accept or who will not tolerate it. One of my family members is kinda like how your stepmom is and its hard hearing people say those things when you're stsnding right by and they have no idea toure struggling with this. Those are the moments I find I just want to burst out loud saying "so by your logic, I should just  go and kill myself right now, right"? Just to see their expression. I came out to my mom about a month back, literally on a whim. My mother is very religious, and comes from a very poor country, although doing very well now through hard work. I thought it would be hell telling her but she actually took it pretty well. She told me she knew nothing about it but she trusts I'll figure it out. . She had her suspicions as to who was going in her panty drawer years back too lol. Hard part is I told her I crossdress, nothing about my possibly being trans. That's going to be an entirely different battle...

Hi Vivien, welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm from Boston. Thanks for sharing a little about yourself with us. I'll be seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn