Hey Katrina, Cynthia
LOL, now I feel bad for bumping this thread, you girls are obviously replying to my post from 7 years ago. Although I do see Devlyn caught on
I initially joined this site as Shandralyn Alaia back in 2008 and then kinda disappeared after a few months and didn't rejoin the site until May 2013 (although I think I did come in and lurk from time to time).
I'm in an completely different place now. There have been some pretty radical paradigm shifts in my life since the person I used to be originally started this thread. That is why I got such a kick out of it and reading about what I was struggling with mentally and spiritually back then. I just kind of had a moment of "Wow, I've come so far from the person I used to be."
**WARNING!! HUGE WALL OF TEXT IMMINENT**Sorry everyone, this thing just sort of took on a life of it's own
I'm in a much happier place now. I'm not religious anymore. My beliefs in the Mormon church came crashing down after years of questioning and finally with an experience where I finally realized how at peace I felt being true to who I am, and that there was nothing wrong or sinful about it. It was a hard transition though, for a time after my realization I felt angry and bitter that the beliefs I had been raised in had kept me from being my authentic self for so long. I nearly went atheist, but I realized my disbelief in any sort of God was heavily influenced by how hurt I was. I decided to take some time for internal introspection and had some very beautiful experiences in which I connected with my spirit, the earth, and the universe in a very profound way. I am now very spiritual. When others speak of God I think of the Universe, and how we are all a part of it one another. I also have an incredible amount of love for myself which came from those experiences, and that has been very important in my transition as there is so much strength that comes from loving yourself as you are.
As for my family situation, my wife and I ended up divorcing. Which, to be honest, would have eventually happened regardless of whether I'd transitioned or not. I still loved my wife as a person, but there were issues of broken trust that had hurt me deeply. I tried to forgive and move on, but it was difficult because the circumstances around what happened. Initially I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me and my issues over being transgender that was causing a distance between us. Feeling guilty I told her everything, how I'd felt I should have been a girl all my life. I felt awful because I'd kept it from her, believing that it wouldn't be an issue (because of the mentality coming from Mormon culture and beliefs "Just get married, have kids. You'll be happy then. It'll fix everything"). My wife listened to everything, asked some questions, and then explained that she was not interested in being married to a woman as she was attracted to men. However, if I wanted a divorce so that I could transition then she said she wouldn't fight me on it, she'd support me 100%.
Naturally, what my wife said seemed so accepting and loving that I just fell in love with her all the more for it. I said I didn't want to leave her. And I also had serious reservations about transitioning. I still believed it was possibly a wrong/immoral decision, and I worried that it was too late for me anyway and I'd never make a passable woman. My wife even reinforced that fear after I told her I wasn't going to transition... She told me this in a joking way, but I don't think she realized how badly it stung: "Well that's good, because you'd make a real ugly looking woman". Anyway, after our talk I truly felt my wife and I had patched things up and drawn closer together. I started visiting with a church therapist to deal with my trans issues (not the brightest of ideas) and things were looking up.
Well, 3 months later my wife came to me and confessed that she had been keeping something from me. I then learned that the distance I'd felt from my wife before wasn't because of me at all. She had made a decision that was a serious breach of trust and had been regretting it tremendously. I was shocked at what she told me, completely stunned mentally actually. I forgave her though because in part I felt responsible because in my struggles with my own issues I had been neglecting her needs. Plus, she had been so understanding when I came to her about being trans. She said that when I had first come to her those 3 months previous and asked to talk she feared I knew what had happened. But then I told her about my issues. She said that she didn't tell me about what she'd done back then because she felt it would have been too much for our marriage to handle. And I agreed, it probably would have. So I forgave her and we made up again.
But a couple weeks after that the mental numbness over the news wore off and things started to sink in. I thought back to when she had told me I could leave and transition if I wanted and she would be completely supportive. "Wait a minute", I thought, "Was she telling me to leave so she wouldn't have to tell me what she had done? Was she just seeing a way out?" I banished those thoughts at first, not wanting to believe she would do that. Plus, I was committed to making the marriage work. We'd forgiven each other and I just needed to move on. But I was totally unaware of how wounded I truly was over what happened. I told her I'd forgiven her but I was hurting. And I couldn't really talk to her about how I felt because then she'd feel like I hadn't really forgiven her. I tried talking to my therapist, but she said a couple things that were so offensive that I just stopped seeing her and refused to see any more therapists. If you're curious what it was, I was talking to her about my concern over whether I'd ever be happy if I transitioned, whether it'd be worth it. She basically said that she didn't believe transsexuals could ever truly be happy. I was incredibly upset over what she said, who was she to say whether someone was happy or not? Anyway, after that I told her about my situation with my wife. I expressed it in a way showing that I was trying to get over it and heal, at one point I basically said "she slipped up, she made a one-time mistake. I can forgive that." My therapists response: "Well in my experience no ever cheats just once." Seriously?? I'm trying to move on and heal my relationship and this lady is saying ->-bleeped-<- like that? Needless to say I walked out that day and never went back to a see a church therapist again.
But this left me trying to deal with my emotional pain alone. It really sucked, and as that pain kept coming back, those thoughts about what my wife had initially said kept coming back too. I was starting to believe that she really did just say those things so that she wouldn't have to tell me what she did. And that belief was pure poison to the love I had for her. For while I could forgive a one-time moment of bad judgement and loss of control, I could not get over the thought that she would tell me to leave and let me take the blame for a failed marriage sooner than tell me the truth, a truth that would put a big part of the responsibility for that failed marriage squarely on her shoulders. I started to feel bit betrayed, that she had tricked me into re-committing to the marriage before dropping her bomb. I also began to wonder how I could trust someone that would sooner tell me to leave then tell me they'd made a mistake. Like I said, these thoughts were poison to our relationship and it didn't take long before I was no longer in love with her. I still loved her as a person, and loved her because she was the mother of my children, and a good one. But the intimacy? Gone.
It was sad, and yet somehow I remained in that relationship several more years. I never spoke to my wife over how I felt, but I think she just intuitively knew. She would always ask me if I loved her, and I respond by saying "yes, I love you". But then sometimes she'd ask "But are you in love with me?". At that point I'd usually deflect the conversation. I ended up in a very dark place, struggling with gender dysphoria alone (my wife asked maybe once after I stopped seeing my therapist. I told her I was fine and she didn't press further or ask again), and in a distressed marriage (not quite broken, we were trying as best we could, but it was still falling apart). I was miserable, I started to wish for death on a daily basis. I tried to distract myself as best as possible, with games and hobbies, anything that would take my mind off of it, but it wasn't easy. I became numb, preventing myself from feeling anything so that I wouldn't have to feel the hurt and pain.
It was at this point that I think the universe stepped in to show me a better way. Things happened, and I feel it was more than a coincidence, it was synchronicity. It was early in 2013 and I had been laid off from my job. Fortunately I found a new job immediately and didn't suffer a period of unemployment -- I'd already done that before and it sucks. Anyway, my new job was with an employer I hadn't really heard much about before, and I really didn't realize how awesome of an employer they were at the time. I'll get to that part later though. Part of my onboarding process was that they sent me out for training in the SF Bay area for 2 weeks... Hmmm, now I wonder what is going to happen next?
Well, I knew I was miserable with my life in it's current state. Thoughts I'd locked away for years suddenly resurfaced. I wonder... could I be happy living as a woman? I was in the perfect place to experiment and explore. Before I knew it I was googling for businesses that catered towards the transgender crowd. In just a few searches I'd found one nearby, Carla's Boutique. They did makeovers, expeditions, they even had a social club that meets together regularly, and as chance would have it they were meeting together during the upcoming weekend where I currently had nothing better to do than sit in my hotel room. There was a lot of back and forth going on in my mind. I'd never dressed up and had makeup done before, how would I look? (I had tried just dressing up, but hated how I looked so much that I never took it further to include makeup or wigs) I'd never done something like this before, and it cost a lot of money, more than I should be spending. But then again... I did just get my tax refund. I could afford it... my wife is gonna be pissed when she finds out though.
I mulled it over for a while, but eventually I made the decision to get the makeover and go out with the social club that weekend. I had so many firsts that week, I bought my first dress that I'd need for the weekend. I remember sitting outside of Dress Barn and just being terrified of going in. The proprietor at the boutique had already referred me to someone there who has helped girls from the club in the past. And yet, even knowing there was an accepting individual in there I was still scared to death. Finally, with like 10 minutes to close I went in and as casually as I could walked around the store a few times, looking at stuff, but not really knowing what I was looking for since I didn't even know my size. Hell, I didn't even know the difference between the misses and women's sizes. I was obviously a lost puppy, which is probably why the gal that helped me knew who I was right away. She was really sweet and wouldn't let me put her off, which I tried to by saying they were closed and I didn't want to keep her late. She wouldn't have any of it and insisted I look around. She guided me to where I needed to go and was very helpful, I even tried a few things on and she was very complementary. There was not one disparaging remark from anyone in the store. In the end I didn't buy anything, mostly because I hadn't found what I wanted. But I did thank her for her helpfulness, the experience had been very positive. Ultimately that experience helped me have the courage to later go in to a Macy's and buy a dress on my own.
Anyway, I'm digressing big time here. I ended up getting the makeover and going to the social club that weekend and it was one of the best experiences of my life. At first I was shocked at how good I looked. I actually didn't hate the woman I saw in the mirror. Sure, there were some male characteristics showing through, but it was far from the dude in a dress I was so accustomed to seeing before. I wasn't completely passable, but I still looked pretty good. Maybe I could pull this transition thing off. Yes, I still had the 'passing' mindset, but that later became a non-issue. Because after the makeover, when I went out and just presented and socialized with others as a woman, I was shocked by something else entirely--how at peace I felt. For the first time in my life I was being myself, I wasn't hiding who I was. And I didn't fell shame, on the contrary I felt at peace. I felt right with the world for the first time in my life. In that moment I then knew that there was nothing wrong with this. I also knew that I would be transitioning, there was no question in my mind. This was my path to happiness, being true to myself. And yes, this is the experience that I spoke of earlier that shattered my belief system.
That night was an emotional roller coaster. I remember just sitting in my bed and crying. There were tears of joy at finally realizing that I could be happy being the girl that I'd fought so long and so hard not to be. And that there was nothing wrong with that. There were moments of anger at the beliefs I'd harbored for so long that had kept me from my truth. And there were tears of sadness knowing that my marriage was truly ended. I feared for the future, how would my wife and kids take it. Would my kids reject me or would they ever be able to accept me? And what about the rest of my family, and my friends? How would they take it? What about my job? I just got hired on and now I'm going to do this. What will they think? There were so many questions about an uncertain future. But in all that uncertainty, I was wrapped up in the warm re-assuring embrace of the one truth I had found, that I am Alaia, that this is me and being true to who I am is how I will be happy
I never looked back in my transition after that. It's now two years later and I've been on HRT for a little over a year. My marriage did end in divorce, but I think it was best for everyone. Neither my ex-wife nor I were happy. And it wasn't possible for us to stay together without one of us being miserable from compromising and living in a way that was not authentic to whom we were. Being separated we each have a better chance at moving on and becoming happy parents that are more capable of providing our children with the love they need. I did go into the details of what happened in my marriage more than I wanted to initially. I've moved past the bitterness and hurt I'd felt before, and yet when I tell people what happened it feels like I'm drudging it back up. So a part of me wants to just go back and delete it all. But for now I'm going to let it stay, only because I want to point out that not every marriage ends solely because of transgender issues. While I admire people for being willing to stick it together and work things out, no one should feel ashamed because they made the decision to separate. Sometimes it is just healthier that way.
As for the rest of my family, my kids know and are still coming to terms with it. I still get to see them, but for now I'm in tomboy mode when I do. They just aren't comfortable seeing me completely as a girl yet. My brothers and sisters are all accepting, some are more supportive than others, and all let me know they still love me. My mom and dad let me know they love me too, but mom is having a much more difficult time accepting this. She doesn't think it is right and has been trying to come up with other reasons why I may feel I am this way (like it was a nurture thing, something that happened when I was growing up that caused it). She also has told me about her fears over the 'eternal consequences' my decision will make. So there's a little bit of judgement I'm dealing with her, and 10 times as much from her husband. My dad though has been really good. He's said that while he doesn't necessarily understand or agree with my choice he still loves me and accepts me as I am. He's even started calling me 'Alaia' which made me cry the first time I saw it in his emails
My employer turned out to be amazingly supportive. I didn't know it at the time I hired on, but I later found out that most of my transition expenses are covered through the insurance I have with them (they paid more for a plan with trans benefits). They also had a gender transition guide already written out based on experiences with other employees that transitioned before me. As part of that plan they flew in a former employee that transitioned a few years back to do a training around awareness of what it means to be transgender, what's appropriate when interacting with someone that's trans, etc. It was really cool and I was impressed that my company would do so much in helping with my transition. People at the office treat me normally. As long as I'm getting my work done everyone's happy.
My friends from before my transition are still coming to terms with things. Some have been more supportive than others. Some have surprised me in their reactions as I was expecting things to be taken pretty badly and they ended up being pretty cool about it. Others were disappointingly not as accepting when I would have expected them to be. But I can't control how others are going to react. If my friends don't want anything to do with me anymore then that's their decision. I've made lots of new friends that are amazingly awesome and accepting. And I'm not just talking about other people in the trans community (although there are a lot of those). I think now that I am living an authentic life I am more open to new friendships. I'm certainly a lot more sociable. And I also think others see the happiness in me now and are drawn to that.
But most importantly, I am happy with who I am, right now at this very moment. When I look in the mirror I love the person I see looking back. I could have lost everything, my job, family, friends--which would have really sucked. But as long as I love that person I see in the mirror then I know I am okay.
