I feel hopeless. Although, I am not torn about being a woman, since I know I am. I am playing pretend being male, and I am not all that great since besides "biological" factors... I can't really become fluent in macho'ism. Why I say biological? I think exactly like a typical woman, so there must be something different about my brain itself; the hormones, the structure of it, something. When I see a tall man, he is attractive to me (wheras gay men tend to view both tall and short as attractive), I relate to women, I am feminine, ... there's feminine men, but mine are like based on science.
I don't believe in God anymore, or heaven, or even in the devil (I was once praying to him thinking he might answer my prayers). But he's just another false deity, in my opinion, to cope with the reality of the impending doom; death. Yeah, praying to something for eternal flames after death beats being a man, lol. So logically, the time between NOW and Death is all I have. I am more or less atheist, but slightly agnostic. The answer is pretty clear... transistion or commit an early suicide. I don't mean the suicide of my human body, but the suicide of my soul.
I think about money all the time... but then reality came to me. TIME>MONEY. Time cannot be bought, but money can always be earned. So even if it cost 200k (however long it takes to get it), then it's all worth it, since I'll be happy. I maybe mad. But I'll never find true love as a man either... even if I find true love, he will want me as a woman... because a feminine soul can only go so far. (I been there trust me.... a man love me.... he only found my face attractive... and people tell me it looks like a girl.... so no brainer there).
If my family rejects me outright (I won't come out to them until I am deep in my transistion), then it's better to lose people who you are going to lose to death anyways... They can cry rivers, but it's my life, and I only have to answer to myself.
I think I am pass the point of feeling awful about being a woman... since there's nothing wrong in being a woman, so why is it shameful?
I once thought becoming a female purpose was to only attract men, but it's not it at all, but rather... men don't treat males the same as females. I am not a gay man. I am a woman. I can't relate to gay men all that much besides our attraction to men. I relate to straight people quite comfortably. I think I am cursed... but people have suffer more worse fates than myself. Even if I was never with a man again, if I age as an old ugly man I might as well die... there's really no point for me to continue on. Even being an old woman is more desirable than an old man. I rather live 10 years as a passable woman than 40 years as a man (time>money; and money="purpose of life" for a lot of people).
Yet, now that I really really see all this.... I feel so hopeless. I feel like the road to happiness... is going to be difficult, and I'll never be able to do it. But that clock... There's no time to lose.
