So long story short, one of my backstabbing ex "friends" is now outing me to people. He's doing it in an underhanded manner, messaging people on facebook and telling them. One person he told even said something nasty, "I guess something in the water is making people second guess their gender now."

I know I should brush this off, hold my head high and press on but somehow I feel this can ruin my reputation fast. I know there are people who will stick up for me. Unrelated to this I killed off my facebook account because I was too addicted and I was getting NOTHING out of it. This was a few weeks ago. So far so good.

I mean I am not really against people knowing I'm trans but it is the whole context of how the news is spread. You know if it's a third party spreading a rumor they may add stuff to it.

Something tells me this guy is jealous that I am out and about with my gender identity. He used to perform with a glam rock band, cross dress and wear makeup. He says he isn't gay either but I haven't seen his wife or kids, and to be honest I don't really pry into people's business like that. Even if he was, I don't care, I would respect him and his orientation/identity anyway.

To be clear I am going to come fully out but I am not 100% ready yet.

But really, how do you manage "friends" like this? I don't even talk to this social circle anymore. I am unsure if my wife is talking to them because she used to confide a lot of stuff in one of their wives, something I got upset about because I felt she was telling people our business when she shouldn't.

Anyway just felt like ranting. It's dumb and its stupid and I just wish I could wipe the slate clean...

ouch. Yeah situations like this are tough but you have to be tougher and have tougher skin than those individuals. I can't really give much help here but I remember Kevin hart saying something on one of Oprah's specials or something and it stuck with me. He was saying, you have to first be ok with yourself with things people are going to try and use against you (it was his height for him). Once you already get it out in the open or in the clear, it can't no longer be used against you because its already been diffused and laid out on the table. I guess what i'm trying to say is, when (if) people start trying to confront you about this outing, remain strong. Don't budge or try to hide it. You have to own it because if people can detect that it bothers you or you're somehow ashamed of it, they will try and dig into you even further. but if you come with that "yeah, so?" attitude then they won't know how to respond because they were already expecting you to be ashamed and cower but you didn't. Also, yes. Now, I will say though, if you aren't ready to come out then simply deny, deny, deny lol (unless they have tangible proof). Staying off FB in general is a good idea.

Last thing: If you ever seem to forget, just read your signature box Kate! Don't let them win boo  😉

Sorry this is happening to you.

Perhaps coming out early is in order.

How do you handle them why simply by leaving them in the dust heap of the past. Seriously though how you handle them is your call. You could choose to call them out on it all though I'm not sure that will fix the issue. Either way they are no friend of yours when they are backstabbing you like this. I would hold your head high and forget about them. I know that is easier said than done. One way to do that is to come out to those who you want to tell in the end leaving them no one they can tell and spin this to who matters to you, but I wouldn't do that tell your ready. Sorry they are putting you through this. Good luck and hugs
Mariah

Quote from: iKate on April 12, 2015, 07:57:53 PM
So long story short, one of my backstabbing ex "friends" is now outing me to people. He's doing it in an underhanded manner, messaging people on facebook and telling them. One person he told even said something nasty, "I guess something in the water is making people second guess their gender now."

I know I should brush this off, hold my head high and press on but somehow I feel this can ruin my reputation fast. I know there are people who will stick up for me. Unrelated to this I killed off my facebook account because I was too addicted and I was getting NOTHING out of it. This was a few weeks ago. So far so good.

I mean I am not really against people knowing I'm trans but it is the whole context of how the news is spread. You know if it's a third party spreading a rumor they may add stuff to it.

Something tells me this guy is jealous that I am out and about with my gender identity. He used to perform with a glam rock band, cross dress and wear makeup. He says he isn't gay either but I haven't seen his wife or kids, and to be honest I don't really pry into people's business like that. Even if he was, I don't care, I would respect him and his orientation/identity anyway.

To be clear I am going to come fully out but I am not 100% ready yet.

But really, how do you manage "friends" like this? I don't even talk to this social circle anymore. I am unsure if my wife is talking to them because she used to confide a lot of stuff in one of their wives, something I got upset about because I felt she was telling people our business when she shouldn't.

Anyway just felt like ranting. It's dumb and its stupid and I just wish I could wipe the slate clean...

Perhaps taking charge of this on Facebook is the best way to handle.  Take the salacious nature out of it, and it's no longer a vicious rumor.

Quote from: ChiGirl on April 12, 2015, 08:26:05 PM
Perhaps taking charge of this on Facebook is the best way to handle.  Take the salacious nature out of it, and it's no longer a vicious rumor.

Good idea, but:

My wife wants me to hold off for a bit. I'm friends with her relatives and I guess she wants to prepare them.

My colleagues are on FB and coming out there means it would make no sense being closeted at work, and I am not comfortable coming out at work yet without a name change.

I think this is why I waited until the last possible moment before I came out to the vast majority of people, just a few days before going full time. My experience with trying to transition 20 years earlier was that the gossip spread like wildfire with God only knows what Chinese whispers added for good measure. Sadly there's not a lot you can do against people intent on damaging you through salacious gossip except combat it with the truth. When I came out my colleagues this time I said to them if anyone asks you for the goss on me tell them to talk to me directly if they're that interested. Happened a couple of times, usually it was enough to dissuade their interest.

Wow, that really sucks . I can't imagine having the decision of coming out taken out of my hands.  I'm so sorry 🙁

Hugs Kate... People can be so, so spiteful... Ex friends with a tool available to them can be very malicous! Haa didn't pick the value of the comment. 

Anyway be strong and better than them, as you are and do always... Killing FB is not a bad thing anyways, I opened a pseudo and will close my "male" one when I move on...

Anyway xoxoxo

L Katy

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 12, 2015, 09:03:22 PM
I think this is why I waited until the last possible moment before I came out to the vast majority of people, just a few days before going full time. My experience with trying to transition 20 years earlier was that the gossip spread like wildfire with God only knows what Chinese whispers added for good measure. Sadly there's not a lot you can do against people intent on damaging you through salacious gossip except combat it with the truth. When I came out my colleagues this time I said to them if anyone asks you for the goss on me tell them to talk to me directly if they're that interested. Happened a couple of times, usually it was enough to dissuade their interest.

Yeah, in retrospect it was a bad idea. However I hadn't come out to many people, just a few, and it's because they were pestering me with questions. I thought my friends had my back, guess not.

I hate gossip. Its why I don't bother much with irl friends other than a couple core ones that I know don't run their mouths. People like to talk and they don't think about what it can do and then someone puts their own spin on it and next thing you know, some imaginary you has done all sorts of stuff. 

When people ask me pretty much anything about me, I usually just blow them off with some smart alec response that would be literally correct but not tell them what they really wanted to know. Its a defense mechanism for me.