Today was the last day I could have postponed my FFS without forfeiting my deposit so now I'm fully committed I guess.  I've got almost everything planned down to the last little detail but the reality of what I'm about to do is really starting to sink in.  It's led to some very strange thoughts.  This morning I envisioned a movie-like scene depicting and symbolizing the situation: The hard and painful decision to make to commit to surgery - final transition and the one-way trip it represents and the consequences:

Imagine you see a house on fire and there's a woman trapped inside that needs your help. You know that if you don't help them they will probably die.  You know if you do help them you're going to be hurt badly in the process and could die yourself.  There will also be extensive recovery after and you'll never be the same again physically or mentally.  In that moment what do you choose?

Now here comes the twist - the screaming person trapped inside the burning house is your future self.  But wait, there's a second twist - you're the one who started the fire in the first place and now it's burning out of control.  One way or another you have to face the difficult consequences of your actions and only one of you is likely to survive.  Both ways you suffer horribly.  Do you have the strength to run through fire for the better outcome?  Do you lose your old self in the process?  If you chicken-out, how do you live with that decision for the rest of your life?

  I've either confused the heck out of you or horrified you.  Anyway, that's where my mind is at.  I knew when I started transition that I had a very difficult decision to make that would lead to pain no matter what.  Obviously I'm hoping for the best but it's going to be very challenging getting through this time.  One month to go...

Been there, Violet. I didn't have FFS but I had SRS, and did a lot of second-guessing.

I kept coming back to this: If I do this, I may regret doing it. But if I don't, I KNOW I will regret not doing it.

That seemed to help.

Hugs. If it helps at all, I'm very happy I got my surgery.

Hi Violet Bloom,

I really have no idea if this will help but it seems to be the only thing my mind comes up with.

Is it really a one or the other?  My take is that it is not and here is why.  Yes, if you have the surgery, that is no doubt a one way street.  Not having the surgery is a two way street because you 'always' have the oppurtunity to go for it later.  Will you be out the deposit?  Yes, although what just may come out of that latter decision is just how real the sense of loss is.  Maybe because of these strong feelings you have an excellent oppurtunity to check.  If by giving up this 'one' chance, and the $, and you beyond any doubt realize it was a big mistake, that mistake can be a redo, the other cannot.  Hope that helped.   Dani

  Thanks for the input.  I'm not really struggling with the decision, although it may have seemed that way.  It's more that I'm feeling a sense of helplessness because I cannot avoid pain no matter how I play this.  I'm having kind of a 'shouting at the sky' moment.  I don't plan to back away from my commitment though.  Now I have to just stomach my anxiety and the short-term suffering to come in order to achieve maximum gain.

  I'm sorry to have been a downer.  I thought I'd post a follow-up to this because I just realized today how the 'scene' ends and it is a happy ending.  After I've rescued my future self and this crazy old house burns to the ground I get to build a brand new one and it can be exactly the way I always dreamed it could!  There will be fear, pain and loss (not to mention extraordinary expense!), but I'll get a fresh start and finally put all of this saga behind me.  Maybe 'future me' will keep a spare room available just in case 'old me' needs a place to stay and has a role to play.  I'll be okay!