I don't really know how to start this. I've been lurking for a while, I think it's been about 9 months or so. I'm 16, I only really found out about transgender stuff online a year or so ago and realised or thought it was me. I tried to come out to my mother at the start of Februrary, she didn't get mad at me but didn't seem to get that I was trying to tell her I thought I was a guy (said 'I thought something was up, mothers know their daughters' straight after) so I tried to give her some time and even gave her a book called Transgender 101 I bought a while ago. A month later I brought it up again and she was really dismissive and finally we got into an argument and she told me that she didn't know who she was when she was sixteen, how could I possibly know, and that it was a big 'decision' that would effect the whole family. I told her that I knew a lot more about it than she seemed to think and eventually got her to get me an appointment with a gender clinic - or on the waiting list anyway, 4.5 months to go. Then about two weeks after that, three weeks or so ago, she got me to search her emails on her iPad for a reservation, I don't remember specifics. I found an unsent draft with no recipient written about me, telling someone about how I'm not in school and how I (used to) self harm and then that recently, quote, "She's shown a desire to have a sex change. Because she's never shown this desire before I believe that this is just a form of self harm, a belief she's been brainwashed into by the Internet". I thought it was stupid at first but now I can't stop thinking about it and I feel really scared that she's right, even though I was so sure before. I cut my hair, I wear male clothes and a binder and I've passed as male a couple times but now I can't stop doubting myself. Sorry for this massive wall of text I just don't know what to do.

Big hug! Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm pretty sure you're not brainwashed.    Family can sometimes be a curse. You need to live your life for you, because your time the influence of others is short. Most of your life will be lived not in the company of your parents, so try to view it as a temporary situation.

Hugs, Devlyn

I am older (43) but have also wondered if brainwashed but then I and you should think of this. Who would you like to see in the future as yourself? Are you really that person/gender? Hard questions I have been asking myself and in some ways it comes out the same yup time to do something but there are doubts that this is what it is if that makes sense. In time and thought it has become clearer not clear yet but I am sure given more time and thought it will become even clearer.

I hope that helps you in a sense its what you feel/think is right for you and it is hard to figure out what you feel with the pressures of society/family/friends perhaps telling you otherwise the best thing is follow your heart and mind.

She more than likely thinks you've been brainwashed, simply because you're young and parents for whatever reason can't understand that children still make cognitive decisions based on logic and reason. Brainwashed, not so much. Influenced? Maybe. But I believe it's more so from educating yourself about a certain topic and making decisions from there. It's like before the internet, there were probably a lot of trans individuals or crossdressers who couldn't even put a term to their behavior. They probably thought they were possessed, or cursed. But through education, were able to further understand what these things are, and how they come to be, and that you aren't alone. Aside from that, transitioning doesn't really seem like it would fall into the spectrum of self harm. Maybe in some extreme it could, but I doubt most people seeking to self harm would take that route.

When I first came out to my family both of my parents said the same thing, that I had just been "brainwashed by the internet". They knew I gamed a lot and that I always presented as male online and in the games I played. They also knew that my girlfriend saw me as male. Their argument was that I had spent so much time "pretending" I was male that I actually started to believe it and that I just found information online that would reinforce that idea.

For a while I was really worried that maybe they were right. I had spent a lot of time reinventing myself as a guy online, I had asked my girlfriend to use male pronouns for me, I had found all of my information about being transgender from online sources, then there were things like the "aiden" phenomenon where tons of trans guys adopt that name or a name with that or a similar suffix (although I hadn't). So I started to doubt myself and wonder if maybe they were right and it was some sort of fad or brainwashing type of thing.

But then I did a lot of soul searching and thought back to when I was a child. I realized that my gender had always been something I struggled to accept so it was nothing new, no one had brainwashed me into feeling the dysphoria I've always felt for as long as I can remember and it certainly wasn't a fad that would go away.

What my parents failed to understand were the reasons why I had begun presenting as male with my girlfriend and online and why I started researching transgender topics. I did all those things because I was uncomfortable with my gender to begin with and needed to understand why and if there was anything I could do to get rid of my gender dysphoria, not because someone had prompted me to as an attempt to brainwash me. I was also going through some issues with depression and anxiety at the time so I realized that not being in the right mindset had made me doubt myself and wonder if my parents could be right when deep down I knew they weren't.

Do lot of soul searching and talk to a therapist as soon as you're able to. Gender is a part of your identity so it's not something that a person can easily be brainwashed into. You're the only person who can see how or if things like gender dysphoria have affected you throughout your life and a therapist will help you get to the root of why you feel that you're transgender if you're doubting yourself.

Hey man,
I had some issues coming out to my mom like this too. I came out for the first time roughly around 14/15 and she didn't really believe me. She offered to let me see a gender therapist, which I did, but at the time I wasn't really for hormones. I stopped seeing her at about 15.5 because she couldn't help me anymore. She referred us to a doctor who could actually write a hormone letter bc apparently she couldn't, but since I didn't plan to start hormones until 17 or 18, I didn't ask for an appointment with her. Fast forward to when I'm 16/17, the summer before my senior year. I went to a summer program at the college I ended up attending the next year. At this summer program I met a guy who was also trans. He and his friend decided to refer to me as Dean and use male pronouns all the time, and everyone picked up on this and switched. He was about to start T, had his letter but was finding an endo, and meeting him and experiencing people affirm my identity really inspired me to start T- the reason being that I had seen how happy I would be if society started viewing me as male. (Social dysphoria was a large reason I started though I do enjoy the physical changes a lot.)

This is where problems arose. I talk about my friends a lot. I always have. Which means I talked to my family a lot about this guy. I don't remember exactly how, but my parents found out he was also trans. my step dad decided that I only wanted to transition to be like this guy. My step dad convinced my mom of this. Even though I'd expressed an interest a few years earlier, they must have always seen it as a phase. My dad at first thought the same thing however he quickly realised he was wrong and he's so much more supportive now. But all of this led to it being extremely difficult for me to start transitioning and it made me question myself too.

The thing is that nobody knows you except you. Nobody knows how you can make yourself happy except you. Whatever it might look like from the outside, you're the only one who can decide that you need to transition. The Internet isn't going to brainwash you like this and for the Internet to make you think being trans is true and transitioning is what you need, well there had to be reasons the Internet made you think this. Aka the "symptoms" or whatever actually would need to be there. There'd need to be a basis of truth. the only judge of how much you aren't a girl or how much you are a boy/agender/non-binary/etc is you. It's an identity, it doesn't always manifest itself early in life with "signs." The idea that it does is outdated and destructive. So many other narratives exist. So many transguys grew up even thinking for a while that they were feminine girls, but that doesn't mean they are only brainwashed. It simply means that they're a femme guy who took longer to put a name to some sort of discomfort in their life. My friend played with Barbies and loved pink but he is definitely a guy, he wasn't brainwashed.

And remember, doubt is normal. This is a big, life changing thing, and it can be scary to finally make a decision and put a name to how you feel. Telling others is even bigger. Everyone has doubts. Even when I would experience intense dysphoria and sadness about not transitioning yet, I would still doubt myself. For a long time for me I knew subconsciously that transitioning was the fix, but it is a big commitment and that was scary. We've almost all had doubts and worried about if we were wrong. Ultimately we all reach a point where we can finally see clearly life without transitioning vs life with transitioning. Or life coming out vs life staying in the closet. Or whatever the big decisions is. For me I saw my depressive moods steadily getting worse and worse and I could finally see clearly that without transitioning my life would be short and miserable. And I didn't reach that point until about two months before starting T. It can take a long time for doubt to stop being an issue, but we are always here to help you with any questions thatll ease your doubt and help you see who you are without the doubt in the way.

You can't make someone be what they are not. Reading things on the internet doesn't "brainwash" you. Yes, your gender change will effect the family, but you can't spend you're whole life ignoring your needs just to avoid your family being embarrassed. See if you can make an appointment yourself. Start by getting in touch with a regular psychologist and ask that person for a name of another therapist who deals with gender dysphoria. Sometimes  you have to take matters into your own hands. Since you are sixteen, I imagine you don't have a lot of money, but there are therapists who will drop prices, and making an appointment with one to get a name would be a one time thing.

Even though my parents were super good when I told them about my dysphoria, they agreed to go to a therapist who worked with parents of transgenders. That might be a good thing for your mother. The information will be from someone who is an authority figure, and the information may carry more weight with your mom than when you try to explain it.

If you know you are a man, then you are. It takes a lot more than reading a bunch of internet articles to brainwash someone. You've come out, now put your foot down and follow up with what you know is right.

sam1234

ouch. Honestly do whatever feels right to you. Obviously its dependant upon where you live but if you're consistent with transitioning and stuff its likely you are transgender. Can say ive ever heard of anyone being "brainwashed" but i have heard of social peer pressure from certain sites. Im sure you'll work it out. All the best

First of all, I think you're very brave seeing you're so young and telling your mother how you feel... congrats on that matter.
And you're not alone, every time I tell my mother something she also thinks I've been brainwashed by the internet. "you like girls? Internet's fault. You self harm? Internet's fault. You're depressed? Internet's fault" If I told her I'm trans I'd probably get the same answer I always do.
Something that helped me a lot when I was still questioning if I was trans or not was thinking "Cis gender people almost never ask themselves if they're trans".

My father told me this as well and I laughed and told him that he had been brainwashed by society far longer than I have been brainwashed by the Internet. I let him think on that for a while and he did apologize. Keep in mind at this time I had already been transitioning and this was right before my top surgery....yet after my hysterectomy....it was odd timing to me but that's parents sometimes.

I don't recommend this tactic if your mother may react badly since my relationship with my father tends to be different than some, more of an adult to an adult these days much of the time. Eventually I hope it will evolve back to that of parent to child but it may never. Some parents seem to cope like this it seems.

What I'm hearing sounds like a reflection of myself. Sorry I can see this ending up being rather long.

I had this inner turmoil. I couldnt shake it whatsoever. It was literally angel vs devil. I knew something was wrong but I didnt know what, then i came across transgender. Did it click - NOPE. why? because growing up I wrongly had assumed transgender was men in dresses. It didnt seem to fit and I was at war with myself everytime I was left alone, surrounded by my thoughts and feelings. Then I came across androgynous, and it clicked. I fitted the bill, I even did the gender test (not reliable but gives a good indication). I was at peace and I told my mum and she was like "...errr okay", she reasearched it and was sceptical but fine with it.

Fast forward a month, I literally came home from school, went to my room and crumpled down, the inner war had begun again. I was fine all day and then bam it was like a wall hit me. I now know this is my type of dysphoria but at the time I had no idea. Anyway I spent the next week trying to figure out what it was, what was wrong with me. I cant explain it but my heart felt heavy, like it was trying to sing yet I was suffocating it. It was hugely concerning because I'd never felt like this in my life, it wasnt mood swings it was me, trying to tell myself something. So anyway I pondered away, googled away, read away trying to find out what this was. I came across the term gender fluid, I realised it was gender related but i refused to even contemplate being transgender, I was still under the impression that trans was weird, for freaks. I COULDNT BE TRANS! I wasnt a "man in a dress". So I decided i was gender fluid, moreso masculine and that was that. The End


But not for long because fast forward another few weeks and bam again this inner war had started again. I was more concerned than ever. I was confused and scared. This was bad. Then I joined Experience Project (when it was in its prime, its a bit naff now). And I had made a few friends, this girl my age who lived 50 odd miles out, and this 40 yr old guy who I adopted as my Godfather due his amazing wisdom (and my lack of older male guidance in my life). And I was texting this girl on kik for ages and I said something really tongue-in-cheek, and she texted back saying. "my name you rude boy" what followed was gasps and shock and more gasps from me because I was like "cr*p, this girl thinks Im a guy! When she finds out im not shes gonna think me really weird" and then I thought, "wait why did she think I was a guy, I havent said anything to show that and my picture and screen name isnt gender specific and theres no gender markers on here" So I asked and she said you have an aura of masculinity (which wasnt wrong, ive always been seen as male until i said otherwise) Anyway I told her I wasnt sure what my gender actually was, turns out she was gender fluid and bi, so she was like imma call you a guy anyway, and i was cool with that.

Anyway a week or so passed, the war had turned more into a debate inside my head. What was I supposed to do, so I sat and reflected upon everything. And little by little it started to sink in, that maybe, just maybe I was actually transgender. (I was about 15 at the time). So what did i do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why? because i wanted to make sure, I knew my mother wouldnt reject me but i didnt know what or how to tell her. I'm known for my cautiousness, I didnt want to make a mistake. So I let it lie for a bit, and all was well-ish until March 2013. By delving into my past and analysing it, I uncovered some of my child abuse that id somehow managed to shield away from myself and it basically triggered continuous nightmares. That added to the gender confusion mounted up, when i knew i couldnt carry the burden anymore or else it would destroy me. So I wrote it all in a letter.

And immediately I felt a bit better, then I gave it to my mum and we discussed it. We sorted out the child abuse -police/court etc , but in a way that overshadowed the gender stuff. Everyone was more concerned that a person they had trusted was commiting these crimes and the gender thing was just accepted almost immediately. Obviously there was skeptism, but there were bigger fish to fry.

It was then and only then that we looked back through photos and in 70% im neutral looking, 20% male amd 10% female. Added to primary school work id done at age 6 saying "If I could wish for anything in the world, I wish I was a boy" (im annoyed my primary teachers didnt pick up on that), alongside many other incidents such as clothing/toys/friends/hobbies/personality, basically confirmed it.

Id honestly try giving the "test" a whirl. If you aren't sound of mind don't attempt it, but basically be a girl. Do what society expects and do it for 2 weeks or more. If you can do it without too much pain/uncomfort and can see yourself doing that for the rest of your life then your probably not trans. If you start to struggle, drop something eg stop wearing make-up or stop wearing dresses etc. and keep doing that until your comfortable. If you look androgynous you may be just that or fluid. If your more masculine then id say you may want to get a proper therapist to evaluate you because you're most likely trans.

Be true to yourself, because the truth will always come out- If it is Consistent, Persistent and Insistent then there's something not quite adding up! Best of luck
Gentleboy