The title is a tad misleading because it wasn't right after but it was a major factor.

There was a guy I had a LDR with. We were pretty much the stereotypical head over heels in love with each other. About a month ago, I came out, stating that this was what I ultimately wanted to do. Understandably he was shocked but supportive. He referred to me as my preferred name. Complimented me about how well I looked and so on. Then, after a while, he became distant. He had sent me a message that he was pulling a lot of late nights and given that we have about a four or five hour time zone difference, I figured he was just busy. He then sent me a message on skype about a week later saying that, while he still cares about me, he didn't want a relationship with a man, despite it still being the same me he was in love with.

As much as I can understand his feelings, it still hurts. I even went so far as to offer to stop the whole transition so we could be together. He was vehemently against it. He said he still wanted me as his friend and, with how I am as a person, I don't think that would be wise. I'm very possessive, jealous, and spiteful. I'm afraid that I would never get over this and just ruin what's left of our friendship by being a jerk to his g/f in the future (he doesn't have one at this point and doesn't plan to but I think pretty far ahead).

I'm not sure how I can deal with this. I haven't even come out to my parents yet and that will be...fun. So far I've more or less accepted that there wouldn't be anything romantic between us but I can't shake this overwhelming sadness.

First, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you.

I have been in that situation and it is no fun. Mine ended very similarly, despite not being an LDR. Like you, I find it super difficult to maintain a friendship with people I am no longer with. The best thing I did for myself was to ask for some initial space. I know he still wants to be friends, and you may very well be able to be friends after the initial pain wears off, but for at least a few months I've found its very helpful to just take a break from them.

Set some boundaries and a timeline for re-discussing them. For me, this was no texts/calls for a month, and then only one day a week for another 3 months. After that, we were both in better places mentally and could talk more without either of us getting overly emotional.

Good luck.

LDRs are hard for everyone who has one.  Being in close proximity with the person you're attracted to is important for significant bonding to take place and be maintained.  Without that bond forming an on-line LDR is going to be fragile and easily upset or broken.  Coming out is likely to have been more strain than your LDR could take.  All you can do is move on from this really.  As for taking revenge it's destructive both to yourself as well as the person it's being enacted against so it's not worth putting any energy into it.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you. I can only imagine it was largely due to the fact he didn't want to change how he perceived his sexual orientation? I hope the next guy you find will be more flexible in that regard.

The fact he didn't want you to stop your transition shows he was thinking about what was best for you. He could have demanded you stop and then force you to not be yourself and miserable for years but he didn't.

And yeah, LDRs are a biatch.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 12, 2015, 03:52:38 PM
Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you. I can only imagine it was largely due to the fact he didn't want to change how he perceived his sexual orientation? I hope the next guy you find will be more flexible in that regard.

The fact he didn't want you to stop your transition shows he was thinking about what was best for you. He could have demanded you stop and then force you to not be yourself and miserable for years but he didn't.

And yeah, LDRs are a biatch.

Not necessarily. He was bisexual. Though he said he prefers women more than men and also wanted kids. While I can tolerate (maybe) adopting, the thought of child-birth makes my insides squirm.

He was my  second LDR and we were on for about a year to a year and a half-ish. My previous LDR was about 4 years. IMO, they're not that much of a pain and they're significantly easier now than years ago because of social media, skype, and all that.

Well this is true, my last LDR was 12 years ago and the Internet wasn't as good for that stuff. She only lived a few hundred miles away and even though we saw each other face to face once a month it was still difficult.

If he is bi that is a different story (a trans guy friend of mind kept his bi boyfriend through his transition) but it sounds like he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you from that side of the fence. Hugs.

hi ben sorry to here your situation. i suppose best to be real with each other but it hurts. tomorrow is a new day:)

QuoteI even went so far as to offer to stop the whole transition so we could be together. He was vehemently against it. He said he still wanted me as his friend

Sounds like he might be a good person to have in your corner once you're in a better place mentally?

Hugs to you, dude, if you want one.

That's sad to hear, but it sounds like he tried to consider keeping things going but couldn't deal with it.  While it is great that many bisexual folk can roll with a transition, some people just aren't as flexible or pansexual as they or someone else might think.  Just keep in mind that he's possibly a great ally but you both should take some time out before getting social again.  All the guys I have dated- I expect they all would have not been able to deal with me becoming a man, as they all identified as very straight or only loosely bisexual.  Men can tend to have stricter sexual preferences than women as far as gay/straight identity stuff goes and it's been pretty well supported by research.  But there are still tons of pan/bi/gay guys who are into transmen or prefer to date guys based on their interests and personality rather than their bodies   I know many popular media make gay guys out to be super focused on looks and shallow but I have many, many gay and bi cis male friends and they have only continued to express interest in a relationship as I have transitioned.  You probably can't think of wanting to see another person yet, which is good, you need to take some time off- but know that there are many guys who WILL be able to date you as a man and would be thrilled to have a relationship with a cool dude

Thank you everyone. It really means a lot. Lately though, I've been suspicious of his true reason. When i came out, he was super supportive. Like nothing even hinting he was uncomfortable. Then he asked if it was too early to tell his parents. I said yes but he misinterpreted and told them, supposedly misinterpreted. That's when he started getting distant. I don't know if Im still in denial or if he was more influenced by his parents.

I'm sorry for your break up. Of course you're going to go through the grief stuff. I wouldn't put lots and lots of thought into the exact cause of the breakup.

I think you totally have it right that you might not be able to handle a friendship with him. You need some separate healing time at the very least.