This might sound really stupid and perhaps there isn't really a good solution for it but bear with me a bit while I vent/semi-ask for advice.

DW is MTF and I'm FTM. She's always looked/acted like the "everyman". Where most of "problem" seems to lie is the male body she has and some of the benefits of having that. More particularly, we've started working out together at a gym and I find myself comparing myself to her. For instance, she'll be benching 100lbs and I'll be eeking out barely at 45lbs. She'll be able to easily push herself to 2+ miles on the elliptical while I can barely wheeze into the 1 mile mark. You get the point though without making this too long.

I know. It's stupid to compare especially given I'm horribly deconditioned and she used to be a fitness buff. However, a part of me wonders if I could do more if I was a guy or that I could do more easily if I had testosterone. On top of that, she seems to be getting in shape faster that me despite us working out at the same time/for the same amount of time and doing the same exercises. I enjoy our time together at the gym but it makes me wonder if it's a bad thing since I'm feeling so self-conscious.

Can anyone relate or help with this?

Given she was a fitness buff I'd say comparing yourself isn't very helpful. And yes, if you were on testosterone you would probably find your strength and stamina would increase but you'd still have to work on it.

Ditto what Ms. Grace said. If you haven't been working out very long or consistently, it's unhelpful to compare yourself to people who do it avidly. Testosterone will also help you increase those fitness milestones, and may be at least a part of why your friend is having more success than you presently.

If you were strong before , your muscles sort of remember and get into shape easier also. If DW was doing fitness for longer, it will be easier and faster for them. Have patience and just keep going, knowing that everyone has to start someplace. I would never think I could equal a distance runner since I never worked at running. It doesn't mean I would never compare them to myself, I likely would. Use it as incentive and try to leave the envy behind.

Might be stupid or obvious, but can I point out that being muscular is not a requirement for males, so not being muscular is not an "inadequacy" per se?

Quote from: suzifrommd on April 20, 2015, 07:32:41 AM
Might be stupid or obvious, but can I point out that being muscular is not a requirement for males, so not being muscular is not an "inadequacy" per se?

I know and I should know better never to make such a comparison. Muscular women are not any less feminine than women who are not muscular. Just in the same breath that non-muscular men aren't less masculine than muscly men. It's not doing anyone justice for making such a statement and I'm not directing this at you necessarily but I am sorry if I did upset anyone for saying/implying that.

It's just I feel more manly when I picture myself buff/muscular. It doesn't deter me to not work out because she's doing "better". If anything, I try to think of it in a more positive manner and use it as a reason to push myself harder. I want to be fit for myself just as much as I want to be fit for her and our kids. It's just that the doubts and insecurities creep in when I see her able to push herself 2x as hard but I can't. That probably has to do with more than her being born a male/having T though and I shouldn't compare since were simply different in terms of our health.

Quote from: wolfduality on April 20, 2015, 12:23:32 AM
This might sound really stupid and perhaps there isn't really a good solution for it but bear with me a bit while I vent/semi-ask for advice.

DW is MTF and I'm FTM. She's always looked/acted like the "everyman". Where most of "problem" seems to lie is the male body she has and some of the benefits of having that. More particularly, we've started working out together at a gym and I find myself comparing myself to her. For instance, she'll be benching 100lbs and I'll be eeking out barely at 45lbs. She'll be able to easily push herself to 2+ miles on the elliptical while I can barely wheeze into the 1 mile mark. You get the point though without making this too long.

I know. It's stupid to compare especially given I'm horribly deconditioned and she used to be a fitness buff. However, a part of me wonders if I could do more if I was a guy or that I could do more easily if I had testosterone. On top of that, she seems to be getting in shape faster that me despite us working out at the same time/for the same amount of time and doing the same exercises. I enjoy our time together at the gym but it makes me wonder if it's a bad thing since I'm feeling so self-conscious.

Can anyone relate or help with this?

So, I'm going to appear to be a jerk for a moment but follow my bitter logic and hopefully, you'll understand where I'm going...

You're wife is transgender, and so are you.  She has a male body, and went through a male puberty that involved a good dose of testosterone.  Because of testosterone (presumably she's not on hormones right now?), she's able to build muscle mass faster and therefore to lift heavier objects.  Is she inadequate as a woman?  Is building muscle bad for women?  Does it make her less than other women?  Does it somehow undermine her identity as a woman because she has more testosterone in her body than some (and undoubtedly less than others)?

She's your wife so, I'm going to assume that you are just about ready to throw something at the screen in absolute horror that I would even ask such ridiculous questions, right?

Guess what?  Most likely, that's exactly what she's worrying about.  Now, that's not to say that you have no right to these feelings - you do.  It's not to say that you should ignore how you're feeling or "suck it up and deal" or anything like that.  That was just an argument for perspective.

I'm a trans man also.  My ex-girlfriend was transgender.  We're exactly the same size but I have no doubt that she was stronger than me.  and what exactly did I lose by that?  Nothing.  What is the point of being stronger than the woman you love?  OK, being able to protect her if necessary is a good thing but honestly, wouldn't you want her to be able to protect herself because you can't be there every second of every day?  So, you want her to be safe but that has nothing to do with your strength because whatever you have of it (a lot or a little), you'll use it to protect her if necessary, and I'm sure she'll do the same for you.  It doesn't matter who's stronger at all.

It's fine that you want to be stronger and build muscle, and I support you wholeheartedly in your desire for that but I would urge you to focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be, and especially to not compare your strength with that of your wife because she is literally the last person on Earth with whom that should matter. 

Hopefully that made sense.  If all else fails, you should talk with her about it honestly, and I'm sure you'll reach a place where you can be more comfortable than you are now.

Cheers,
Ian

Men come in all shapes and sizes. From the macho Everyman to the sophisticated gentleman to just the regular guy.