So, I thought I'd post this here, see what people think about my "situation," and then let the thread naturally evolve for anyone else if they wanted.  Basically, I'd like to talk about dating with respect to being trans, specifically looking for potential longer-/ long-term relationships, initiating, etc.

Warning: the first paragraph recounts my break up last year and is kinda depressing so, you might want to skip it if you'll feel uncomfortable reading.

I've had three girlfriends over the past 16 years, and have been on one date. Ever. To clarify, none of my girlfriends lived near me; the first one almost doesn't count because we were kids, and I broke up with her because she couldn't use grammar, haha.  The second one somehow 180'ed her sexuality (thought she wanted a trans boy, actually wanted a trans girl - we were teenagers) so, she broke up with me.  Fair enough, sometimes, people are just lesbians and don't know it, haha.  My most recent relationship was not until 11 years later (last year).  She was my first love; I'll always love her, there's no way around it.  She's kind, and smart, and talented, and beautiful.  She made me laugh, and no one ever makes me laugh.  I had hoped to marry her; I'd even picked out a promise ring. Long story short, she fell into a depressive spiral, mostly over her fear of coming out (she's also transgender).  I would have done anything to fix things for her but I found out the hard way that it's impossible to give happiness to another person.  In the end, even when she said that she was too scared to come out and I told her that for her, I was willing to be perceived as gay, or even to let people thing that I was "the woman," it wasn't enough.  No matter how much I loved her, she couldn't hear me through the cloud surrounding her.  I miss her, especially when it rains.  But... it's been ten months, and I'm already 27 so, realistically, I can't just lay in a puddle of impossible wishes. 

I have a date on Monday - my second date ever.  And honestly, I'm kind of nervous.  The woman I'm going out with is very nice, and she seems completely fine with going out with a guy who isn't read as a man very often.  My last date ended with my first kiss and me dropping my date off and then calling one of my best friends and asking him if I was a horrible person for kissing someone I didn't love.  I'm not *that* naive anymore but still, I'm worried.  I'm worried that no matter how nice she is that I won't really give her a chance because I'm afraid.  I'm worried that I'll fall into a relationship just because I'm lonely.  And I am terrified.  Absolutely terrified that I will somehow hurt this girl.  And I know that I'm not responsible for the feelings of another person but I can't help this feeling that I am, that it's my job to make sure everything goes well and that she only ever has good memories from me, and I barely know this girl.  I'm also worried that no matter how nice she (or anyone else I might date) is that maybe no cisgender woman will ever make me feel as much myself as I felt with my ex-girlfriend.  It was so easy, so natural to be able to talk with her, and not feel judged or I don't know...  I didn't feel like she expected me to be anyone but exactly who I was.  I think that being with her was the first time that I understood that whole yin/yang dichotomy.  Like, if she was the yin (dark/ feminine) side, and I was the yang (light/ masculine) side, but then I felt totally at ease with that yin drop on my side, and the yang on her side.  Oh my God, I sound ridiculous...  But whatever.  I laugh at myself sometimes because it feels like she ruined me for cisgender women but at the same time, I'm equally attracted to them just less at ease maybe?  (Of course, now that I've said that, watch all of the women on this site flee, haha.  Ladies, you're totally safe.  No more long-distance for me!).

I have no idea what to do right now or in general.  I don't go anywhere to meet women, and I rarely flirt because I don't want to deal with what I dealt with recently when I forced myself to do speed-dating and within three minutes, was misgendered and laughed at (to my face) by four different girls...  I'm not bad looking.  I'm reasonably successful.  But my personality doesn't suit most people, I don't think.  I'm a serious person, and I like talking about serious things.  I like other things but I never really feel comfortable enough to get to the point of expressing that.  And I feel completely, hopelessly responsible for the people around me, and for not offending or hurting anyone.  It scares me.  I don't want to ever make anyone feel the ways that I've felt sometimes - I think that's what scares me more than anything.  But I'm also lonely, and sometimes feel like there will never be anyone who loves me and whom I can love in return.  And I want that, I mean, I'm only human.  I want to find someone who shares my values and who wants to have a family with me but I sometimes really feel that that is impossible, not only because I'm transgender, which limits the number of people who may be interested, but also just because of who I fundamentally am as a person. 

I don't know if I'm wanting advice or consolation or just to get all of this out of my system.  Meh.   

lonely is my middle name. i'm like an unidentified object to either gay men or girls because i have no attractive scent, actually i have no scent period. all my dating with long distance and you can already tell that didnt last long. there was one i truly loved but she was so deep in depression, i couldnt do anything for her so i had to end it. sometimes its feels like my bed is cold because i wake up and no one is there next to me an it hurts so badly, those morning i truly do wish i wouldnt of woken up. i just get so depressed, it causes my whole day to fall to hell. anyways, imma just go crawl into a fetal position and cry while rocking back and forth now.

That's rough.  I mean, I'll be a hypocrite and say: don't give up!!

last time I had a relationship some had one just discovered fire.

thus why love is a very powerful thing. once you've known it, it'll rip your heart to unmendable shreds and leave you but an empty shell. oh the joys of the emotion off switch. flip it off, you;d feel nothing, absolutely nothing, however its a double edged sword. leave it off long enough, you;d never be able to turn it back on

you're comparing every girl/relationship to your ex and that's where your relationship problems start i think and i think us being transgender, we are more focused on the whole "no one will love me like so and so because i'm transgender" but nah, it doesn't work that way. you should just go on dates, have fun, and don't over think it. if you kiss someone, you kiss someone. if someone gets hurt, whether it's you or them, they get hurt. you can't just NOT hurt someone, no matter if you're just starting out or married for 20 years, it's inevitable and you can't compromise yourself to make them happy because you feel no one will love you unless you do (talking about letting yourself be seen as the woman, gay, w/e just to make your ex happy).

even the crappiest people seem to find love, so i don't think you're out of luck because you're a certain way that's far from horrible. i get the being serious thing but you're focusing too much on what others want or like, falling into a relationship because you're "lonely" and hurting THEM. it doesn't happen that way though because if you DID get into a relationship because you're lonely, it wouldn't flow and it would take more effort, etc. and you know it would feel just..wrong so i don't think you'd do that.

Quote from: invisiblemonsters on April 23, 2015, 12:33:33 PM
you're comparing every girl/relationship to your ex and that's where your relationship problems start i think and i think us being transgender, we are more focused on the whole "no one will love me like so and so because i'm transgender" but nah, it doesn't work that way. you should just go on dates, have fun, and don't over think it. if you kiss someone, you kiss someone. if someone gets hurt, whether it's you or them, they get hurt. you can't just NOT hurt someone, no matter if you're just starting out or married for 20 years, it's inevitable and you can't compromise yourself to make them happy because you feel no one will love you unless you do (talking about letting yourself be seen as the woman, gay, w/e just to make your ex happy).

In my case, I don't really think that no one will love me because I'm transgender.  If I'd had that thought before, the insanity of last year would have crushed those thought; at one point, there were (excluding my ex) at least four different people who were actively interested in me, everything from a mild crush to would have married me (incidentally, that person I do love and respect tremendously; I'm just unfortunately not into guys).  I'm not saying this to brag at all because it actually sucked for me to reject people knowing that it might or definitely would hurt them.  The issue isn't that I'm trans, although, the number of potential partners is decreased by prejudice.  The issue is who I am as a person isn't really compatible with most people.  I'm not at all popular among other transgender people so, this is how I know that it isn't a trans-specific thing.  I dunno...  We'll see...

Part of my personality pretty much precludes me from just "having fun" or playing around or whatever, and this seems to be a huge turn off for a lot of women my age.  It's not like I need to get married right now or need to have a really long-term relationship right now but I'm a very serious person, and I don't believe in wasting my time or that of anyone else.  I don't pursue people whom I absolutely know I'll be incompatible with in the long-term.

Regarding comparing everyone to my ex, I think that's a fair accusation.  I know I do that but it's hard to stop because I loved her so much.  She wasn't perfect of anything but I dunno... I felt more alive with her than I'd ever felt before.  I recognize that I was probably willing to sacrifice too much; I wouldn't even consider not having top surgery now but the being seen as gay thing, I don't really care.  I don't care how people perceive my sexuality because it has no bearing on anything about me, and it has nothing to do with them.

I dunno, sometimes I feel like there's this "game" that I'm expected to play.  Like I'm expected to say certain things and not say certain things just because I'm speaking with a woman.  How on Earth can I be expected to do that?  I'm an autonomous person, and they're autonomous people so, I feel like our interactions should be genuine and not designed to attract or entice or whatever.  I know how to flirt, of course, but generally, I don't do that unless I've already established some basis for the relationship - or unless I'm just so attracted that I fall into it (this happened with my ex and maybe two other people ever).

I feel like I'm lamenting "I don't know how to talk with women" but I'm actually just annoyed that I should be expected to talk with them differently.  I get it if the goal is to get laid but I'm not interested in that (not asexual, just not into casual stuff) so, I don't see why this is even a thing.

Ugh.  It's a mess.