This hurts so bad.
I did it. I have seen a lawyer and the papers are being filed on Friday. I'm leaving my husband of 30+ years. I'm taking half our furniture and moving to a different city, a trans-friendly city where I can transition more safely than I could here. I only know one person there and we are just acquaintances. 

He doesn't know it yet.  He's out of town vacationing w/ friends. I am having major second thoughts.

We were only 2 years away from having the house paid off and from his retirement.  That's going to go at the window now because I'm filing for divorce.  Instead, I now have a tiny, dumpy apt in a city where I don't know anyone instead of my big pretty house in our small town where  I know everyone and have a couple of very good friends (who probably will have a hard time being my friends if I come out to them.)

This isn't even about my being transgender. We never even discussed the trans* thing, except when he would teaslingly/ sneeringly ask if I thought I was trans*.
All the things in our major that are/were wrong--the lack of respect, the judgmental remarks until I 2nd and 3rd thought my replies, then didn't say anything after all because I didn't want to be criticized.  My own distancing, all of it that soured our marriage--I know those things are there, but now all I can think of are the good things and wonder what I'm doing.  He's texting me funny little notes.  For the first time in a year, I want to be held.

And I'm having to move while he's not here because of his uncertain temper.  Yeah, writing it down, it all adds up to the marriage being over, but deep down inside, I'm terrified to be alone. 

I hurt.  I feel so afraid. I've called all my friends and they all have lives that are busy right now.  Only one friend knows about the trans* thing, so I can't even be completely open with the other friends.  I can't afford to loose them right now. 

I thought I was ready for this.  I thought I was actually looking forward to it.  Now, all I can do is rock back and forth.  I had no idea it would hurt so bad.

I really want to 'fess up and throw myself on his mercy and vow to pretend to be a girl for the rest of my life.  It wasn't that bad, was it?  I could be okay in my imperfect marriage the rest of my life now that I know how bad it could be by myself, right?

Please, anyone, any words of wisdom here? 

Hi Chris,

I really am not the right person to give advice in this matter but I wanted to reply so that until someone with more wisdom than me is able to respond, you at least can know that you've been heard. 

Whatever your decision, just be careful and compassionate with yourself.

Best,
Ian

I wouldn't know exactly how you feel, getting out of your own is scary... especially when moving to another gender.  It's like, your old self DIED and you're born in your new identity. 

I have no history.  I have no work history, no credit, no nothing.  It's really strange being 31 and trying to establish credit once again.  I moved to a completely different state, but it is to be with someone in a relationship.  Credit companies won't listen to me when I say "hey that's my credit file over there"... I have legally changed my name, changed driver's license numbers, states, addresses, genders, etc... and credit companies are like "newp you start a new file".  Rolls eyes, w/e... I can't even get a SECURED credit card or charge card, "no credit file"... wth

I can only imagine you probably being a little older since you've been married as along as I been alive.  But trust me, you will feel liberated from this lie you've been living your entire life once you start the transitioning phase.

I am from the country as well, and when I lived back home I had a nice decent large house in the country side and now I am in an apartment in the city on the east coast.. luckily I have my fiance' who i've known for three years with me... otherwise id be a mess!

If you need someone to talk to, PM me.. we can chit chat... hugs... take care

Lexi

Hiya Chris

When I split up with my ex I told her it was because of me being trans, in reality it was so much more than that.
I told people that we never argued in our relationship but the truth was that I was always worried by her temper, I was also sick of her snide comments & unbelievable levels of lazyness.
I eventually moved out when she was with her family for a month & if you honestly feel the only way you can end a relationship is to do a midnight run then the relationship is probably an unhealthy one.

Ending a relationship is hard, it hurts even if you're the one ending it. In fact I often think it's harder for the one ending the relationship as they not only have to deal with the heartache but they also end up carrying alot of guilt about hurting the other half (even if the other half is abusive & deserved to get dumped).

From what you've posted about the relationship it sounds like an abusive/controlling relationship & not a healthy enviroment to stay in

Stay strong, big hugs

Jayne

Thank you Ian and Lexi and Jayne.  I think I understand now about rebound relationships. I want to be held--by anyone. I feel like I'm coming apart and just need someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me together.

Jayne, you're right, a midnight run means big problems.  I'm just sitting here in this half-empty house, waiting to go, wanting it to be  different so I can stay. Going through bargaining and compromising in my mind.  On the verge of calling him up, confessing what I was about to do, how much I've spent already, begging for forgiveness and promising not to rock the boat ever again.  I  am ashamed of myself. I thought I was stronger than this, until it comes down to reality.

I know other people have gone through divorce and move and transition all at once; I don't know why it doesn't seem possible for me. This just feels 'wrong.' And I'm not sure what part of it is the wrong part.  (Did I mention the part where I'll be living on savings until I find a job.  Yes, jumping with no net.  Not like me at all.  I don't like this.)

When I left my ex she was away for a month, I spent a very worried week packing up my life, I was terrified she'd come back early & find out what was happening.
The sense of relief when I took the last box out of that house was unbelievable. Only once i'd moved out did I phone her to break the news.
She said we could stay friends & spent the next 2 yrs playing mind games with me until she almost pushed me over the edge, she knew i'd been suicidal for months & kept pushing me closer to the edge.

The desire to be held is natural especially when you've been in a committed long term relationship but you need time to heal your wounds, if you can be strong enough to spend some time finding yourself then you'll come through this experience stronger & wiser.

If you ever feel your resolve slipping & need to talk then feel free to pm me.

forgive me for not understanding , but your saying he has no clue your about to do this

Quote from: stephaniec on April 22, 2015, 06:46:09 PM
forgive me for not understanding , but your saying he has no clue your about to do this

Sadly, that's right Stephanie. This isn't a knee jerk decision I'e made, which is maybe why I'm so shocked that I'm reacting so badly.  But my therapist and a few friends who know him all convinced me this was the only safe way to do this. it doesn't feel very honorable, but it's better than a possible physical altercation.  (He could go either way, mad or sad or option C. I can never tell, even after all these years together.)

Quote from: Jayne on April 22, 2015, 06:42:34 PM
When I left my ex she was away for a month, I spent a very worried week packing up my life, I was terrified she'd come back early & find out what was happening.
The sense of relief when I took the last box out of that house was unbelievable. Only once i'd moved out did I phone her to break the news.
She said we could stay friends & spent the next 2 yrs playing mind games with me until she almost pushed me over the edge, she knew i'd been suicidal for months & kept pushing me closer to the edge.

The desire to be held is natural especially when you've been in a committed long term relationship but you need time to heal your wounds, if you can be strong enough to spend some time finding yourself then you'll come through this experience stronger & wiser.

If you ever feel your resolve slipping & need to talk then feel free to pm me.

thanks so much for this Jayne. two years.  I don't know how I could handle that.  I won't be completely moved out until Friday. He is expected to return on Saturday, unless he comes in Friday evening.  Maybe, once I'm completely out, I'll feel better.
Thanks for the good advice on being held, and for the offer to pm you. (and thanks to Lexi for that offer, too)  I may do that in a bit.  I'm going to try to get some sleep, I think.  My head isn't on straight for much else.

I totally understand best not to chance a physical encounter. good luck

Hugs, Chris.  I kind of wish I had your bravery to up and leave a toxic marriage.  Good luck and we wish you all the best.  Remember that you are never alone.

I've had to end relationships. Not as long-terms as yours, but definitely ones I was vested in. It can feel great and horrible at the same time. Guilt is common. Especially at first, with all the second guessing.
But things improve and you heal and move on.
Good luck with this.

Hmm.  Curious situation.  I sense tumult on their side as you fear.   Just by the shock of "POOF YOUR GONE".  On the other hand you did this because you had reasons.  I don't know how to give my thoughts because I am not qualified as an acquaintance, friend or relationship advisor.  My only thought is have a distant means to communicate with them weekly. And in a manner that you will not, if weakness hits, give up your location or freedom until you find out yourself if this is right for YOU.   MIGHT I suggest a counselor.  God speed.       


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thanks so much, everyone. Your comforting words are much needed and appreciated.  I am soaking it all in and it is helping.

Hi Chris, hugs & x's

I have not been there yet, so I can only imagine what you are going through, it is forefront in my mind at the moment, I will have to encounter the coming out, probably ending up divorced alone too, based on comments and feelings that I pick up...

It is hard to end a married relationship, after all you have spent so many years together building your life and home... It will hurt, but I know that the pain will lessen over time, especially once you make new friends and build a new life...

Regardless of how things end up when you move, you have friends here...

L Katy

Quote from: katrinaw on April 23, 2015, 06:31:56 AM
Hi Chris, hugs & x's

I have not been there yet, so I can only imagine what you are going through, it is forefront in my mind at the moment, I will have to encounter the coming out, probably ending up divorced alone too, based on comments and feelings that I pick up...

It is hard to end a married relationship, after all you have spent so many years together building your life and home... It will hurt, but I know that the pain will lessen over time, especially once you make new friends and build a new life...

Regardless of how things end up when you move, you have friends here...

L Katy

thanks, Katy.  It's a tough an scary time.  I'm laying in bed right now, realizing I've only got one more night here and trying to find the strength to sort through our stuff. I have to leave most of it behind b/c my apartment is too small to hold 32 years worth of memories.  I really appreciate your kind words.  They help.

Dear Chris

It is so very hard to break away and start again - it takes real guts and conviction.  It's also hard to do it the way you've done, by sifting through the stuff accumulated over so many years.  And it does hurt.  A lot.  Certainly I was at my worst and most uncertain and insecure moment when I had to decide what to take and what to leave - the emotions are hard for an emotional person to deal with.

If you are sure that you must leave your husband, then your future path is clear.  That means to leave the person, not the place and all of its associations and comfortable clutter.  All of this becomes hard to separate in our heads.  The key thing is remember WHY you are doing this, and what led you to your current situation.  Judging from how you write, none of your reasons is frivolous or half-baked.  So stop, breathe, go for a walk, and remember these things.

I wish you the very best!
Julia

In all honesty, I am too young to know your exact experience. All I have is what I've experienced thus far. And based on what I've seen, I will always encourage everyone I meet that is contemplating leaving a bad situation of any form to go through with it and leave. Because we're only alive (that we are conciously aware of) once. It is senseless to me to waste that time. So please, for your sake, your health, your eventual happiness, and for the satisfaction you will get from living, let go of the negative that encompasses your life. Be free to make your decisions. Do what makes you happy. It is only after you have lost everything that you will be free to do anything. I hope you can do everything you desire.

thank you so much, all of you, for your replies.   I thought I was stronger than this.  I thought I had logicked it all out.  I didn't expect the pain.  The regrets. The doubts of maybe it's not as bad as I was thinking and maybe if we just did this or that.... 

He's out of town right now, texting sweet nothings to me and begging me to call him.   I just wish it could all be different....... (and I am having moments when I think it could be different if only, but--)

You left for a reason.   Sorry you are feeling pain but you have a reason(s).   Stay true to your plan until you know absolutely, that is is right or wrong.  Give it a minimum of three months if not 6.  No one gets up and goes like this unless they are damned sure they know it is best.   Just my 9cents


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