I am nearly 51 years old and have always felt since about the age of 6 like I was a male in a female body. I'm not going to write a long story because we would be here all night if I did that so I will just write the highlights.
Everyone always said that I was a tom boy growing up because I would rather play with GI Joes than Barbie dolls. Growing up I was more interested in cars and playing baseball than cooking, dressing like a girl. I hated dresses, make up, basically anything to do with girly things. I hunted, fished, camped, etc. and to make matters worse I have always been attracted to women more than men.
A question I have for those of us. I have never seen or heard of this from anyone else probably because I haven't asked or really looked into it because I didn't want to find out I was even stranger than most of us. No disrespect intended there but you know what I mean.
I feel like I have a male appendage or could that be wishful thinking? I liken it to people who have phantom pain from an appendage that isn't there but I swear I feel it and look down to see nothing there. Or am I just odd?
Anyway, trying to make my family happy I did what females did and got married, trying to ignore that side of myself.
I married to make my daddy happy and give him a grandchild. I love my son but thank goodness I didn't have any more kids. I hated being married but thought it was due to being in an abusive marriage. I finally decided to leave after my son graduated high school and went into the Army. I had wanted to join the Army myself but because I didn't graduate high school I didn't get to. Anyway, I became a truck driver, something I had always wanted to do since I was a kid also. I absolutely loved it.
I dress in baggy mens clothes, I haven't worn a bra in over 25 years. I hate my breasts to the point I would love to get them cut off. If I was to ever win the lottery that is part of my plan. Would love to have short hair but it ticks the old goat, as I call him, because he's 14 years older than I am, off for me to have short hair. I don't wear nail polish, nothing girly.
I became friends with a man who wanted to marry me and I hesitated but went ahead and done it anyway. We've been married 3 years now and even though he's a great guy wayyy better than the first husband he's getting on my nerves because he wants me to dress girly, wear makeup, tight fitting clothes, etc. I told him that he knew this is the way I was when he met me, this is what he gets.
Plus our sex life isn't good. I have never really cared for sex at all. But I can get turned on just by looking at a woman but never had the nerve to actively look for 1.
After seeing Bruce Jenner's interview with Diane Sawyer last night I finally admitted to myself that this is not something I made up in my head, that this is real and I have to find a way to face it and finally be me for me and not be who every one else wants or thinks I should be.
Problem is I don't want to hurt the person i'm married to because he does love me and I do love him but more as a good friend than anything else.
So, am I an odd duck or are there others out there like me?
